There was once a kid named James Afton who was the smartest in his grade. He was an a+ student and came from a well-known family of skilled business. His parents fell in love 20 years ago and 16 years later he was born. As he grew up he became lonely his parents loved him but never had time for him and but he could never find the love at his school he tried several times in girls his grade but one day out of the blue a new female student was added into his classroom she was a blond girl with green eyes and had freckles on her face at first he thought she was like the other girls but at there break she went up to him and started to talk to him he thought it was a prank but five minutes later he fell in love with her ever since then that went out on dates every weekend and a few years later had a family James works as an animatronic maker and his wife is a businesswoman for an every well-respected company that helps those who needs jobs

Marry Schmidt- Had lived with her father for the longest time and all she can remember was him always yelling at her, every day she would come home from school do her homework, and listen to her dad scream at her for not doing things when he was home all day. She never wanted to live with her dad but she knew that it was best for her until she could move with her mom. In about 6th grade I got a call that I was going to be with her mom soon and I kept going with all the cuts on her arms, I finally found the light at the end of her tunnel, but when she went to grade 7th that’s when her life changed. As soon as she walked into her new classroom she was a shy type of girl but very smart. On January 12, she fell in love with James Afton and confessed her love for him. That day she had gotten nervous then walked up to him and told him how handsome he was, the way he made her feel, and how she could see herself marrying him and how much of a gentleman he was. After about the 3 dates she asked him if he would like to be her boyfriend He said yes and she was filled with happiness and joy, After that about 7 years went by and they got married, it was a long road but they made it through, and right now we are working to make as much money as we can for the upcoming baby!

Their baby boy’s name is Luke Afton and he loves these parents and he is doing well at school, his parents and he on the weekends go out to places like the mall, parks, restaurants, etc. They had their issues also i would like you guys to make a better one

Question

There was once a kid named James Afton who was the smartest in his grade. He was an a+ student and came from a well-known family of skilled business. His parents fell in love 20 years ago and 16 years later he was born. As he grew up he became lonely his parents loved him but never had time for him  and but he could never find the love at his school he tried several times in girls his grade but one day out of the blue a new female student was added into his classroom she was a blond girl with green eyes and had freckles on her face at first he thought she was like the other girls but at there break she went up to him and started to talk to him he thought it was a prank but five minutes later he fell in love with her ever since then that went out on dates every weekend and a few years later had a family James works as an animatronic maker and his wife is a businesswoman for an every well-respected company that helps those who needs jobs

Marry Schmidt- Had lived with her father for the longest time and all she can remember was him always yelling at her, every day she would come home from school do her homework, and listen to her dad scream at her for not doing things when he was home all day. She never wanted to live with her dad but she knew that it was best for her until she could move with her mom. In about 6th grade I got a call that I was going to be with her mom soon and I kept going with all the cuts on her arms, I finally found the light at the end of her tunnel, but when she went to grade 7th that’s when her life changed. As soon as she walked into her new classroom she was a shy type of girl but very smart. On January 12, she fell in love with James Afton and confessed her love for him. That day she had gotten nervous then walked up to him and told him how handsome he was, the way he made her feel, and how she could see herself marrying him and how much of a gentleman he was. After about the 3 dates she asked him if he would like to be her boyfriend He said yes and she was filled with happiness and joy, After that about 7 years went by and they got married, it was a long road but they made it through, and right now we are working to make as much money as we can for the upcoming baby!

Their baby boy’s name is Luke Afton and he loves these parents and he is doing well at school, his parents and he on the weekends go out to places like the mall, parks, restaurants, etc. They had their issues  also i would like you guys to make a better one

P1n3appl31 · Answer

It's a lot and I think my eyes hurt XD but, a few corrections and this looks good!

BonBunny · Answer

james afton?

BonBunny · Answer

@b1az34 wrote:

@bonbunny wrote:

james afton?

you got a problem with it?

no- i like it. The story is active, i like that, good job

J4ke · Answer

Nice story. I would love to read the next one you post. :D

b1az34 · Answer

@j4ke wrote:

Nice story. I would love to read the next one you post. :D

about that i have no ideas or motivation but feel free to use this

UkuleleGirl · Answer

If this were a real story, try using punctuation and periods at the end of each sentence. In english we call those ongoing sentences. Which the reader is not fond of. :)

UkuleleGirl · Answer

If you don't know what I mean, Try capitalizing the first word in every new sentence. That should be a start! Cya.

b1az34 · Answer

@ukulelegirl wrote:

If this were a real story, try using punctuation and periods at the end of each sentence. In english we call those ongoing sentences. Which the reader is not fond of. :)

yes or no do u like it

YRJ8498 · Answer

it's ight

TheWraith2021 · Answer

Your story is rushed. We're supposed to believe these kids wanted love and they went to school to find it? No offense to the school system of course, but school's not exactly the place I go to look for the love of my life. Also, these two just happened to like each other. Okay, we can roll with that. But then this guy falls in love, skips the crush/infatuation stage, and falls in love within five minutes. Fastest anyone has ever fallen in love, I'm not going to lie. I kept reading to see some chemistry between them, hoping to see some sparks but out of nowhere--BAM!--they're married, have a kid, and are working to be prepared for said kid.

And you have A+ spelled as "a+", and other capitalization errors. You also have run-on sentences and could use better punctuation. If the assignment was to write a short story, I don't think a love story is the way to go. That takes time to build up, otherwise it comes off as rushed and the readers don't care about it.

Monicaiswriting246 · Answer

its a good start to something that could turn out amazing. Just watch the grammar and try to keep the reader invested, otherwise good job!!! :]

4479 · Answer

i think split it up into more paragraphs so it is easier to read ;-;

b1az34 · Answer

guys this is an old story and i need ideas fpr the next one