Question

I'm writing a story... work in progress... feedback?

Answer 1

Phoenix had overslept for his first day of a new school. He would wake at his alarm going off, which had gone off three other times. His parents never woke him up anymore in fact they always stayed in the room anyways. Phoenix got up and saw what time it was a hurried to get dressed. He threw on some black skinny ripped jeans with a white button-down shirt. He brushed his teeth and ran his fingers threw his hair. Once he was ready, he grabbed his bag, put his laptop in there and his keys and locked up the house behind him. He hopped into his car and drove off the school. Phoenix pulled into a parking spot, grabbed his bag and phone and ran inside. He went into the counselor’s office, they gave him a schedule and welcomed him to the school. Phoenix smiled and said, “Thanks” as he walked to his second class, considering he slept threw his first class. Phoenix walked into his second period class, which was Algebra, and handed his pass to the teacher. The teacher told him to find an empty seat and take some notes. Everyone looked up, when he entered the room. The girls had legit drool coming from their mouths and the boys were super hyped for a new hot guy to join their clique. Phoenix took a seat near the front and pulled out his notebook. He started taking notes, He didn’t mind the attention, but he didn’t pay attention to them. Until someone passed him a note, he opened it and read it. It said, “Your kind of hot, meet me by your locker at lunch.” It was signed by someone named, Taylor. Phoenix signed and put the note under his book.

Answer 2

It looks good keep up the good work

Answer 3

it is awesome baby keep up the good work

Answer 4

It's amazing. Keep it up!!

Answer 5

Well, it seems everyone completely forgot about giving any sort of positive critique.

For one, no one can tell what your story is even about. There's no plot. This is literally the very beginning and your character is doing everyday menial tasks. We have zero incentive to even care about this Phoenix guy. You also made some grammatical/sentence errors.

"His parents never woke him up anymore in fact they always stayed in the room anyways."

You need to change that to, "His parents never woke him up anymore. In fact, they always stayed in their bedroom anyways." (Shows what specific room they're in and has a proper break in the sentence so that it doesn't read unnaturally).

"Phoenix got up and saw what time it was a hurried to get dressed."
Instead, change to, "Phoenix got up, saw what time it was, and hurried to get dressed."

"He brushed his teeth and ran his fingers threw his hair." Look up the definition of "Threw" and "Through" and put the correct word within your sentence.


"Once he was ready, he grabbed his bag, put his laptop in there and his keys and locked up the house behind him. He hopped into his car and drove off the school. Phoenix pulled into a parking spot, grabbed his bag and phone and ran inside. He went into the counselor’s office, they gave him a schedule and welcomed him to the school. Phoenix smiled and said, “Thanks” as he walked to his second class, considering he slept threw his first class."

Yeah, no. You need to change up the way you word things so it doesn't sound so bland and robotic. Simplify things a bit and add more descriptive language. Change that to this:

"Once he was ready, he grabbed his bag, placing his laptop and keys inside, and locked up the house behind him. He climbed into his cherry red Mustang and drove off to the school, feeling the engine thrum energetically beneath his legs. Once he came to a stop in the school parking lot, he grabbed his things and rushed inside. He walked into the counselor's office; they gave him a schedule and welcomed him to the school. Phoenix smiled and said, “Thanks,” as he walked to his second class since he slept threw (through, actually, not threw) his first class."


"Everyone looked up, when he entered the room. The girls had legit drool coming from their mouths and the boys were super hyped for a new hot guy to join their clique. Phoenix took a seat near the front and pulled out his notebook. He started taking notes, He didn’t mind the attention, but he didn’t pay attention to them. Until someone passed him a note, he opened it and read it. It said, “Your kind of hot, meet me by your locker at lunch.” It was signed by someone named, Taylor. Phoenix signed and put the note under his book."

Now what the heck is that? 🤦🏻‍♂️ Get rid of that whole paragraph. It reads like the cheesiest teen drama movie ever. Realistically, girls aren't going to be actually drooling over a guy like a dog salivates over a steak and the guys are not going to be "super hyped for a new hot guy to join their clique". For one, that sounds ridiculously gay, and for another, more like a girl thing than a guy thing. You also misspelled "You're" with "Your" and "Sighed" with "Signed."

Instead, it should read something like this:

"Everyone looked up when he entered the room. The girls eyed him with a mixture of curiosity and lust while the boys showed interest in Phoenix's athletic build, thinking he'd be a great addition to the school's football team. Phoenix took a seat near the front and pulled out his notebook, beginning to write his notes and make up for the time he's lost because of showing up late. He didn’t mind the attention from his peers, but he had more important things of interest on his mind at the moment...until someone passed him a note. He opened it to see, “You're kind of hot. Meet me by your locker at lunch.” It was signed by someone named Taylor. Phoenix sighed and put the note under his book."


Of course, this still has its flaws and I highly doubt someone would reach out with a note to the new kid to go tell them to meet at his locker, of which no one would even know about because he's the new kid, but whatever. This at least makes it a bit more presentable and more interesting to read.

You're welcome.