Question

Comments?

Answer 1

“This is going to be so much fun!!” Abbigail squealed as she, Daniel, Rachel, Lawrence, Elizabeth, and Ally entered the building to look around.
“Hey, Josh!” Dante called, “You got everything out of the trunk?” He snickered knowing the answer.
“No, I haven’t! And you could’ve helped you know!” Josh wasn’t pleased or laughing at this. “Instead of standing there and looking like a mindless git!”
At this Dante burst into laughter; “I’m good Josh, thanks for the offer, but I’mma go inside and look around a bit and try to…” His voice trailed off as he went inside, still slightly chuckling.
Josh sighs and gets the rest of the stuff from the car and brings it inside. He looks around a bit before calling everyone to the dimly lit dining hall to make rules while they're here. When they are finished making the rules, they play games. There’s an assortment of games they play; like Checkers, Jenga, and Spin the Bottle (Dante’s favorite because he got to kiss Abbigail 4 times :p).
There was laughter and giggles and of course, roughhousing everywhere you looked. No one knew that….
Dante and his twin brother Lawrence were cooking dinner and dessert for everyone. They made glazed chicken with mashed and scalloped potatoes and some vegetables. For dessert, it was vanilla ice cream and sponge cake.
After eating everyone decided to play hide and seek, Josh was the seeker. He waited for everyone to hide and go their separate ways before trying to find them. He found Lawrence after only a little bit of searching. Josh told Lawrence to head back to the dining hall and then they parted ways.
After about thirty minutes after finding Lawrence; Josh hears a shrill scream of “No! Stop it! Stop it! Plea-!”. Then it stopped. Josh stood there for a minute before he turned around and ran towards the scream. As Josh ran, he tripped over several things and fell a couple of times and when he got to the scene he tried to open the door. Won’t budge… He thought and tried several other methods before the door finally opened and what lay there horrified him..
There lay a small, pale body, in a puddle of blood, blonde hair soaked and multiple stab wounds to the stomach and chest. Josh fell to his knees and let out a stifled scream of pure shock and horror. He couldn’t breathe or speak at this very moment.
When the others heard his scream they came rushing over. They all stopped and looked horrified….but Dante was worse. His eyes were wide and he was almost as pale as the body that lay on the floor..drenched in blood. Dante falls to his knees beside Abbigail’s limp dead cold body and tries to act like it’s a joke, a messed up joke.
“C…Come on Abbi...t...this isn’t funny..!” Dante said with a half sob and laugh. Dante tries shaking the body, trying to find any sign that this is all a prank…or a joke. But after a while he just gives up and looks at the ceiling, tears streaming down his face. He makes no noise whatsoever.
Ally kneels beside Dante and rubs his back in a comforting manner. “Hey..it’ll all be okay…we’ll find who did this, don’t worry Dante..” Ally whispered with a soft calm almost motherly tone.
At this Dante fell apart and clinged onto Ally as if he was dying. He cried so hard it was just hurtful to watch. Who would do such a thing to a sweet, innocent girl? She had so much more left in her.. It just doesn’t make sense! Why would someone kill her? Of all people….why her..?

—End of this part I guess— —Start of this part. Ally’s POV—

It’s mealtime now. We just got done burying the body out back. We’re all not very hungry but we eat anyway. That’s what Abbigail would want anyway… Dante hasn’t touched his food. I’m worried about him..
“Dante….You need to eat, I know it hurts but you can’t starve yourself…Abbi would want you to eat…” I say as comforting as I could, I don’t think he took that the right way…
Dante throws his silverware down and stands abruptly, knocking over his chair “Don’t mention her name!” He yells and storms off. Rachel automatically follows suit….strange…she’s more attached to him…ever since…but no! She couldn’t have done that..!
I sigh and get up and follow them “Dante..! Rachel!” I catch up to them and stop them “Guys! Come on…let’s go back to the table…”
Thoughts!!: “Dante just glared at me and shoved past me. But Rachel heads back with me…wearing a giddy…all too-happy smile…maybe she…? No, she couldn’t have…But what if…?”
After a few hours, I go check up on Dante and he’s sitting on his bed….with a gun pressed against his head. I rush over, grab the gun, and toss it on the ground. “Dante! Are you mental?!” I scream at him. “What were you thinking?!” I start crying “God Dante…why?” I fall to my knees in front of him, praying to the lord that Dante doesn’t do anything like that again.
A couple of minutes later Josh comes to get us and I motion to the gun; “Take that and hide it, Josh. Dante almost…I don’t know what to do anymore! Everyone’s just…” I hide my face in my hands and cry. It’s too much.
Josh takes the gun and goes to hide it. I take Dante out to the dining hall and get him something to eat and force him to eat so he doesn’t starve himself to death. And for the first time in a long time…there was laughter from the others, which made me happy!
—End of this part and end of Ally’s pov— —Onto this part Dante’s pov—

I sit there, alone in my bedroom, gun pressed against my head. “Should I do this…?” I thought over and over, debating for hours…if I should pull the trigger. Then Ally stormed in.
“Dante!” She shrieked “Are you mental?!” She was furious and took the gun from me. I didn’t resist her though, I don’t even think I would be able to even if I tried. After that, Josh came and took the gun away..
And that’s how I’ve ended up in the kitchen being forced to eat…I don’t want to eat…It wouldn’t feel right… Why can’t they understand that?
I heard someone laugh and so I looked, it was Rach (Rachel), she was laughing. It was a nice change in the atmosphere but ... it didn’t feel the same though, it was less of a laugh and more of a cover-up for ... something…
“Rachel…?” I asked softly; “Rachel can we talk…?”
Rachel looks at me and smiles, “Of course!!” Rachel and I got up from the table and I took her to an empty hallway
“Rachel…don’t get me wrong, I think you’re a sweet girl…but..did you….have anything to do with Abbigail’s murder…?” I ask with a slight hint of hurt and betrayal
Rachel gasps and it’s a more worried one than a surprised gasp. But I don’t notice right away, “W-What?! Why would you think that?!” She asks with surprise. “How could you think that Dante!” She was hiding something…I just…couldn’t put my finger on it…
It’s lonely nowadays, nothing makes sense to me, why are they happy? They shouldn’t be laughing or having fun! It’s not right….
Then everything went black…

Answer 2

(This is being posted for a friend of mine!)

Answer 3

I hope y'all like it c:

Answer 4

I read the first part, which is Dante's POV I'm guessing.

First off, I'll say something I liked. The description of the food was quite good. It made me a bit hungry, haha.
" They made glazed chicken with mashed and scalloped potatoes and some vegetables. For dessert, it was vanilla ice cream and sponge cake."

I do think you should try to find a way to break up the sequence of names here: "“This is going to be so much fun!!” Abbigail squealed as she, Daniel, Rachel, Lawrence, Elizabeth, and Ally entered the building to look around."

Perhaps two or three people are getting stuff out of the trunk. One or two others are carrying in the food.
Maybe someone is horsing around in the driveway, etc. You can visit each character and what they're doing and take a moment to describe something about them. Not only does it give more insight into the characters, but it'll help us connect with them more and remember them.

Answer 5

The sequence of action starting out here "After about thirty minutes after finding Lawrence; Josh hears a shrill scream of “No! Stop it! Stop it! Plea-!”" was very well done. I liked the tension and motions lacing through the scene.

One of the reasons I liked it though was because a lot of visual descriptors were used. This comment is similar to my earlier one, but I would like to get to know the characters more and to picture them better as they are moving through the scene.

For example, at the beginning all these characters enter a "building." But that building is not described so I don't know what to picture. The author may have something in mind, and I think the story could benefit from adding more of that vision in.

Answer 6

In short, more imagery and character detail.

Answer 7

Thank you fr your input! I'll fix that up. I'm her editor and I'll let her know. I thank you for your feedback!

Answer 8

What's the scene when they arrive?

"He found Lawrence after only a little bit of searching."
Where was Lawrence hiding?

Answer 9

Okay that's fine. It doesn't have to be that detail. It's something worth discussing because it could alter the structure of your story. As a reader I feel as though I've started a movie, eight characters have been mentioned, and I know a little bit about some of them, and then one of them is killed (the action has started to climb).

I think you could spend a little more time in the exposition.

Answer 10

Oh wow, that's a lot of writing. Is the creator of the story on QC?

Answer 11

She is

Answer 12

Can you ping her or is she staying anonymous?

Answer 13

So she's currently on a break from this site due to bullies and suicide baiting form previous things. I can give you her user if you'd like.

Answer 14

Or maybe her other friends user or both. We have many people working on this

Answer 15

Sure. They can reach out whenever or just read my comments. I hope the story continues to develop (:

Answer 16

Thank you. Do you want them now? I'll send you a message in the messages section or here. Which ever you'd prefer.

Answer 17

I think you can give them the link for this post and they can reach out if they'd like.

Answer 18

Okay. Thank you once again! I'll talk to her about it. I'm currently at her house. I thank you a lot and this was helpful.