how is this for the first chapter of my sorta fictional book?
Adventure into the world of Myntra
Jackson walks towards the movie theater waiting for Mason to arrive. He finally spots Mason pulling into the parking lot. Jackson starts walking to the parking lot but someone comes up behind him. Mason seeing this happen runs toward Jackson in an attempt to stop his attacker. Jackson yells “Hey who is there, show yourself before you get hurt. “ The person behind Jackson was his sister Kira. Kira walks out from behind her brother and then replies to Jackson " Jack stop yelling it's just me Kira.” Mason who finally reaches the two replies to both Jackson and Kira as such, “Hi Kir, hey Jack, I hope you didn't mind me inviting her here to come with us Jack?”
Jackson replies “No I don't mind at all, I just wish you had told me sooner I was almost about to expose our powers from Mintra. What movie are we watching or are we not watching a movie because half the time when we come to the theater we go to Myntra?” Mason replies to Jackson, “No sorry Jack we aren't here to watch a movie we are here because there is a call coming from Myntra but we are missing Clara and Melissa the leaders of this group or so we tell them.”
Melissa and Clara arrive having a conversion of their own. Melissa says this to everyone, “Hello everyone so as you know this is no ordinary trip to Myntra This will be a mission of high level. The heirs to the throne of Myntra have been kidnapped; the king and queen have requested us to save them from their captives. Yea, you're right Clara, we are still missing Sarah, but we haven't got time to wait for her.” The young teenagers head off to the forest behind the theater in search of the new gateway to myntra.
As the brave group of teenagers makes their way through the forest, Jackson, the oldest of the squad, wonders if his powers will soon disappear because his sister manifested powers to take his place as the strongest of the group. Jackson asks Melissa “Hey uh Melissa I have a question for you about what happened to the other kids from Myntra and Earth did they start to lose their powers once their sibling has manifested their own power?” Melissa simply replies “ Jack, I see where you're coming from but let me tell you this my mother who is a fae from Myntra told me that we will be fine. The Myntraian part of us will never go away, we are the heroes of Myntra.”

Question

how is this for the first chapter of my sorta fictional book? 
               Adventure into the world of Myntra
Jackson walks towards the movie theater waiting for Mason to arrive. He finally spots Mason pulling into the parking lot. Jackson starts walking to the parking lot but someone comes up behind him. Mason seeing this happen runs toward Jackson in an attempt to stop his attacker. Jackson yells “Hey who is there, show yourself before you get hurt. “ The person behind Jackson was his sister Kira. Kira walks out from behind her brother and then replies to Jackson " Jack stop yelling it's just me Kira.” Mason who finally reaches the two replies to both Jackson and Kira as such, “Hi Kir, hey Jack, I hope you didn't mind me inviting her here to come with us Jack?” 
Jackson replies “No I don't mind at all, I just wish you had told me sooner I was almost about to expose our powers from Mintra. What movie are we watching or are we not watching a movie because half the time when we come to the theater we go to Myntra?” Mason replies to Jackson, “No sorry Jack we aren't here to watch a movie we are here because there is a call coming from Myntra but we are missing Clara and Melissa the leaders of this group or so we tell them.”
  Melissa and Clara arrive having a conversion of their own. Melissa says this to everyone, “Hello everyone so as you know this is no ordinary trip to Myntra This will be a mission of high level. The heirs to the throne of Myntra have been kidnapped; the king and queen have requested us to save them from their captives. Yea, you're right Clara, we are still missing Sarah, but we haven't got time to wait for her.” The young teenagers head off to the forest behind the theater in search of the new gateway to myntra.
As the brave group of teenagers makes their way through the forest, Jackson, the oldest of the squad, wonders if his powers will soon disappear because his sister manifested powers to take his place as the strongest of the group. Jackson asks Melissa “Hey uh Melissa I have a question for you about what happened to the other kids from Myntra and Earth did they start to lose their powers once their sibling has manifested their own power?” Melissa simply replies “ Jack, I see where you're coming from but let me tell you this my mother who is a fae from Myntra told me that we will be fine. The Myntraian part of us will never go away, we are the heroes of Myntra.”

NeverEverDone · Answer

this is really a great start! like i love how it jumps into the action with Jackson and Mason. and the mission to save the kidnapped heirs is intriguing. i like the sibling dynamic between Jackson and Kira, and Jackson's worry about losing his powers add some nice tension. maybe a few tweaks for the flow and more detail could make it even better. but yeah i am curious to see where it goes! but yeah i will give it a 7.5/10 for great start ^^

Evyleafs · Answer

I think the first chapters pretty good, but my input would be that in the start I felt that in the beginning the reader would feel pretty lost Idk if its just me but I like to kind of have an Idea of what's happening in the first 4 or 3 sentences. But I do like that towards the ending the pieces start to fit together a bit.  I like how they all interact with each other. I think so far its going good tho =]] keep it up and don't lose motivation like I do lol

MAGABACK · Answer

@nevereverdone wrote:

this is really a great start! like i love how it jumps into the action with Jackson and Mason. and the mission to save the kidnapped heirs is intriguing. i like the sibling dynamic between Jackson and Kira, and Jackson's worry about losing his powers add some nice tension. maybe a few tweaks for the flow and more detail could make it even better. but yeah i am curious to see where it goes! but yeah i will give it a 7.5/10 for great start ^^

agreed

forgetmylife · Answer

intriguing story

Kaeno · Answer

@nevereverdone wrote:

this is really a great start! like i love how it jumps into the action with Jackson and Mason. and the mission to save the kidnapped heirs is intriguing. i like the sibling dynamic between Jackson and Kira, and Jackson's worry about losing his powers add some nice tension. maybe a few tweaks for the flow and more detail could make it even better. but yeah i am curious to see where it goes! but yeah i will give it a 7.5/10 for great start ^^

thank you

Kaeno · Answer

@evyleafs wrote:

I think the first chapters pretty good, but my input would be that in the start I felt that in the beginning the reader would feel pretty lost Idk if its just me but I like to kind of have an Idea of what's happening in the first 4 or 3 sentences. But I do like that towards the ending the pieces start to fit together a bit. I like how they all interact with each other. I think so far its going good tho =]] keep it up and don't lose motivation like I do lol

I forgot to put the little prologue in with this the reader wouldn't be confused at all with the background in the prologue

QuietLuxe · Answer

i like it so much

DevotedHeart · Answer

You've really captured the essence of the story while keeping the pacing tight. The transition between the characters' interactions and the setup for the mission is smooth. You’ve also kept the intrigue alive with Jackson’s concern about his powers and the mystery surrounding Myntra. I like how you focus on the group dynamics and the sense of urgency without dragging it out

V4MPZSKII · Answer

W

Gdub08 · Answer

W. 10/10.