chat I'm writing a song and I need opinions on the
lyrics I have so far!

"Cuz you were my lucky guide,
that in the shattered me,
your aim was so perfect that you hit it immediately~
My heart?
the one thats empty and bleeding,
my own blood is on my hands
thanks to your hellbound actions
in this situation, there's no god to speak of
because you were my devil in disguise,

I saw stars shining in your eyes
heaven was in your touch but hell is in your hands

(plz I'm open to any opinions, especially feedback on how I can get better)

Question

chat I'm writing a song and I need opinions on the 
lyrics I have so far!

"Cuz you were my lucky guide,
that in the shattered me,
your aim was so perfect that you hit it immediately~
My heart?
the one thats empty and bleeding,
my own blood is on my hands
thanks to your hellbound actions
in this situation, there's no god to speak of 
because you were my devil in disguise,

I saw stars shining in your eyes
heaven was in your touch but hell is in your hands

(plz I'm open to any opinions, especially feedback on how I can get better)

forgetmylife · Answer

It’s not bad it has potential but you should focus on

Imagery and Emotion: Strong emotional narrative with vivid phrases like "shattered me" and "my own blood is on my hands."

Thematic Contrast: Effective juxtaposition of guidance and curse, capturing the complexity of love

Suggestions for Improvement

Clarity and Flow: Consider tightening lines for smoother rhythm; for example, rephrase "thanks to your hellbound actions."

Rhythm and Rhyme: Ensure a consistent meter throughout the lyrics for better musicality.

Repetition and Hook : Introduce a memorable refrain or chorus that encapsulates the song's theme.

Specific Line Suggestions

- Shorten or restructure "your aim was so perfect that you hit it immediately" for brevity.

- Reconsider "there's no god to speak of" for smoother transitions.

This feedback should help you refine your lyrics while maintaining the emotional depth that you’ve come up with.

iluvpanda · Answer

uhm, the lyrics sometimes get confusing but: (These are all suggestions)
-"Lucky guide" >> "guiding light"
-The part where u say "that in shattered me" i dont get wha u mean here
- Change "the one thats empty and bleeding" to "The one that sits empty and bleeding"
- Substitutions for hell bound are hell-bent or hell-born. You can also change the sentence completely to "thanks to da sins u craved into me"
- Instead of "situation" u could use "story"
- the last line could be changed to "your touch was heaven, but your hands dragged me to hell" or smth similar.

I hope this helps 😭😅

forgetmylife · Answer

@iluvpanda wrote:

uhm, the lyrics sometimes get confusing but: (These are all suggestions) -"Lucky guide" >> "guiding light" -The part where u say "that in shattered me" i dont get wha u mean here - Change "the one thats empty and bleeding" to "The one that sits empty and bleeding" - Substitutions for hell bound are hell-bent or hell-born. You can also change the sentence completely to "thanks to da sins u craved into me" - Instead of "situation" u could use "story" - the last line could be changed to "your touch was heaven, but your hands dragged me to hell" or smth similar. I hope this helps 😭😅

I agree with her as well I think her statement proves to be more clearer to understand.

zanesafoodie · Answer

@iluvpanda wrote:

uhm, the lyrics sometimes get confusing but: (These are all suggestions) -"Lucky guide" >> "guiding light" -The part where u say "that in shattered me" i dont get wha u mean here - Change "the one thats empty and bleeding" to "The one that sits empty and bleeding" - Substitutions for hell bound are hell-bent or hell-born. You can also change the sentence completely to "thanks to da sins u craved into me" - Instead of "situation" u could use "story" - the last line could be changed to "your touch was heaven, but your hands dragged me to hell" or smth similar. I hope this helps 😭😅

(10/10 thanks!)

zanesafoodie · Answer

@iluvpanda wrote:

uhm, the lyrics sometimes get confusing but: (These are all suggestions) -"Lucky guide" >> "guiding light" -The part where u say "that in shattered me" i dont get wha u mean here - Change "the one thats empty and bleeding" to "The one that sits empty and bleeding" - Substitutions for hell bound are hell-bent or hell-born. You can also change the sentence completely to "thanks to da sins u craved into me" - Instead of "situation" u could use "story" - the last line could be changed to "your touch was heaven, but your hands dragged me to hell" or smth similar. I hope this helps 😭😅

I'm in school rn but i'll have a brain-dumping session later lol, not only am I going to refine this one, but work on another one I plan on starting called "here's my heart of gold'

iluvpanda · Answer

@iluvpanda wrote:

uhm, the lyrics sometimes get confusing but: (These are all suggestions) -"Lucky guide" >> "guiding light" -The part where u say "that in shattered me" i dont get wha u mean here - Change "the one thats empty and bleeding" to "The one that sits empty and bleeding" - Substitutions for hell bound are hell-bent or hell-born. You can also change the sentence completely to "thanks to da sins u craved into me" - Instead of "situation" u could use "story" - the last line could be changed to "your touch was heaven, but your hands dragged me to hell" or smth similar. I hope this helps 😭😅

mb i meant carved not craved 😭

LoverGIRL1 · Answer

it looks good but idk

zanesafoodie · Answer

@lovergirl1 wrote:

it looks good but idk

lol thanks