Question

Does this have potential?

Answer 1

Listen my children...
As I tell you a story...
One filled with sickening things, oh yes, it's gory..
Of this new creature, that roamed the streets
That crossed through ponds and many an alley
As the old rickety shutters of the abandoned started to creak...
The creature, he moved, making no sound
Glancing suspiciously, his colorful eyes, darting to and fro
As he quietly climbed up and down buildings, from the top to the ground...
He quickly moved away from any shining lights, for some reason unknown to man...
He slipped into dark shadows, disappearing into the night, little did he know that a girl had saw his curious antics and watched him, her eyes wide with wonderous delight
Some say he was a vampire and would've sucked her dry if he saw her...
Some say he was a werewolf spy, coming with others to take over mankind
But I know what it was!"

"What was it Momma? What was it?"

She chuckled softly.

She leaned forward, and started whispering like it was a secret. "It was a *working on name*!"

"Oooh!" I had whispered.


I chuckled to myself. Thinking fondly over that memory. I loved my Mom so much, but really, *working on name* ? Sounds like a unicorn that works at a deli mart.

Answer 2

help me!

Answer 3

um...

Answer 4

with my question?

Answer 5

oh

Answer 6

I think it starts off great! :) The meter starts to lengthen as you progress through the piece, but im guessing you want that. As for the name, well, it depends on what mood you want to instill in the reader. From the beginning, i felt a dark chilly name coming up. However, the last sentence made me think it was supposed to be something comical...Which are you looking for?

Answer 7

Oh, it's supposed to be a little comical, it's a mother telling a story to her daughter :D I'll send you the rest

Answer 8

oh random thought... I think that altering the sentence to "One filled with sickening things, oh yes, it's QUITE gory.." gives it a Dr. Seuss kinda feel... if you want

Answer 9

Mmk, yea, that'd be better :P

Answer 10

the name sounds decent. I can't think of anything off the top of my head but maybe you could try to make it more punnish and complex by having a deli meat or cheese in the name rather than linking deli+unicorn

Answer 11

*by punnish, i have made up a new work to mean "of or relating to a pun"

Answer 12

XD

Answer 13

JSYK im just spewing out ideas here:
salamicorn
udelicorn
pubicexorn (...reference to publix)

Answer 14

any ideas yet?

Answer 15

hmmm, I see what you mean...but this is actually a serious book, believe it or not...

Answer 16

Cuz since this isn't like a kids book or anything, its' gonna be for teens/young adults, I just want her to have a childish flash back

Answer 17

Oh gotcha... I wouldn't try to make a punny name then. I would just go for something slightly dark and ominous.

Answer 18

Thanks!

Answer 19

Sure :)