Question

Hi, I'm practicing essays for the SAT, and I was wondering if someone could read my essay, and tell me what I could improve on? I've attached the file.

Answer 1

Speaking as a teacher, your essay was well written. Depending on formatting requirements, be careful using personal pronouns. For example, in APA formatting, the author is discouraged from using my, mine, or I. Instead the author should say things like: This authors best friend, or even just name the person. Personalizing a paper is actually discouraged nowadays. (Side note: what a shame) Anyhow, I would also have lead with your friend's circumstances and finished with Einstein. The reasoning is that the first and last parts of a paper are usually the most "remembered" by the reader. Ending with an "unknown" (no offense to Cathy), leaves the reader (and ultimately the grader) a little less impressed. Your observations were good. I would probably want to see a little more than just two. That would depend on the expected length of the essay. Another good strategy is to always predict the opposing ideas, and then knock them down, which I think you did, but it was glaring to the reader. I think you are well on your way. You will probably do well. I know I sound like I am nit picking, but I just want you to see what a grader will see. Keep up the hard work, you'll do fine.

Answer 2

Wow! Thanks so much, deltamarch! I don't think you were nitpicking at all! I found this very helpful and friendly! I do agree that it's a shame to not be able to write in the first person - oh well . . . I think that's a great tip, though, to add the example of Einstein at the end - I would, as the reader, also be left with a much stronger impression.