Question

Could you critique and help me edit my poem?
(posed below)

Answer 1

Black Lines:

Black lines define you life,
separating wrong from right.

Black lines box you in,
creating boundaries as you live.

Black lines tear you apart,
Expectations eating away at your heart.

Black lines define your path,
telling you where to pass.

What if you try to toe the line,
or even pass to the other side?

What if you don't even want to stay,
stay in that life that constrains your days?

What if you want to run away,
to run and run and run to escape?

And what if you simply hate,
hate the way you have to stay,
neatly in boxes,
all black and white,
with other people choosing your fight.

Telling you you're wrong,
telling you they're right,
telling you to choose their fight.

When you have a fight all your own,
how do you stand and stay strong?

Your fight is just as important as theirs,
and they don't even act like they care.

They let you suffer through the day,
let you wallow and wallow in pain.

When you need them to help you out,
when you yell and scream and shout.

Nothing happens,
no one hears.
The whole world deafens its ears.

So why should you help them out?
Why should you make a sound?

To help their cause,
to help their fight.

Because you're the nice girl,
oh yeah,
that's right.

Even if you can't help yourself,
you try to help somebody else.

So that they can escape from your pain,
so that their life is not in vain.

I can solve your problems,
help you with your needs.

But when it comes to saving me,
an endless ocean of pain and grief,
pulls me under,
hold me beneath.

It's much easier to sink then swim
so I've given up,
my door has closed,
the black lines engulf my soul.

Because I'm different,
the black lines don't have room for me,
so they leave me behind.

A trail of destruction follows in their path,
a palpable trail of the souls they've smashed.

So don't build boxes,
don't draw lines,
don't hurt the people they leave behind.

Remember me,
remember this.
Remember the pain that tore me to bits.

The next time you judge,
the next time you hurt,
remember the pain inflicted by words.

Remember that girl,
remember that boy,
remember their lives once filled with joy.

Someone took that,
replaced it with sad,
drew black lines and called them bad.

Remember the day he jumped off the bridge,
Remember the day she cut her wrists.
Remember, remember, remember it all.
Remember the people you've watched as they fall.

Don't let it ever happen again,
Don't let another person pretend
that their fine,
that they're alright.
You know they're not so help them fight.

Help them with the blackness and pain,
don't let their life got to waste.

Sometime in the future,
They'll thank you,
you see.

I don't know if it's to late for me,
but help someone else,
help them for me.
Save them even if I can't save me.

Go help someone,
do it now,
wait even a moment and you could miss out.

They need you,
they need you now.

Answer 2

Nice job! Why don't you try posting this over here as well?: http://openstudy.com/study?login#/groups/Writing

There's a much bigger group of active and experienced writers over there, who may be able to give you some advice.

Answer 3

oops...that's where I meant to post, sorry.