Question

♥Revise this for me Please?:))

Answer 1

On the way from the airpot a man wearing a coat in 90 degree weather jolts Maya’s shoulder in a crowd, causing her luggage to tumble. She attempts to gather her belongings, but it’s no use, the crowd’s current is to strong; plus there wasn’t anything to important in her bag anyway. After the stranger that jolted her is gone, she discovers her cell phone is too. She calls her own number, and the man answers. She explains that the cell phone has personal information on it and asks the man to meet with her. He hangs up. Instead of going to the police, Maya decides to take matters into her own hands, procrastinating the arrival to the new house.

Answer 2

What is the purpose of this story? Is it being written to apply for a job, academic program,...?

Answer 3

Sorry, I had to re-post this.
I tweaked the wording a little.



While she was walking from the airport to her new home, in the sweltering 90-degree heat, a man in an overcoat jolted Maya’s shoulder, sending her luggage tumbling. She attempted to gather what has fallen, but the crowd’s current was too strong; it was no use. Since there was nothing of importance in her bag, she quickly adjusted her speed and continued forward. The inappropriately dressed stranger was gone, and, she soon discovers, so was her cell phone.

Using a pay phone, she called her own number and a man answered. She explained that there was information on her phone that she needed, and asked the man to meet with her. Instead of calling the police when he hung up, she decided to take matters into her own hands, delaying her arrival to her new house.

Answer 4

Dangit! I made a couple of mistakes, anyway...

"She attempted to gather what has fallen..."
THAT SHOULD BE "HAD."

"... and, she soon discovers, so was her cell phone."
THAT SHOULD BE "DISCOVERED."

Answer 5

Thanks! This is for my own pleasure! I make online stories :)

Answer 6

No problem! :)

Answer 7

Gabriella derives from a divorced family. She came to South Florida with her mother and older sister to live in her grandfather’s house that he assigned to her mother on his will. A new place, a new day, and new strangers. Gabriella strives to change herself, trying to obtain her vision of reachable perfection. She hopes that this year she will finally become perfect. She deals with serious insecurity issues, and compares herself to every girl she meets.

Can you help with this?

Answer 8

How about something like this...?

Gabriella derives from a divorced family. She came to south Florida with her mother and older sister to live in the house her grandfather left to her mother when he passed away. To Gabriella, this new place signifies new classmates, and this makes her feel very insecure. She has serious self-image issues, and compares herself with every girl she meets. Throughout her live, Gabriella has strived to change herself. She wants nothing more than to be perfect in the eyes of her peers. She is hoping that, this year, she will finally reach this unobtainable goal.