Question

Can someone be so kind to check my essay intro, please?

Answer 1

Throughout the years our society has changed our view of what a beautiful women should look like. Models from all over the world are a big influence on how we are supposed to look. In fact, the majority of teenagers suffer of low self-esteem due to their “imperfect” appearance taking them to the life of anorexia and insecurity. Truth is that we are being misled by a wrong image. Celebrities and models are not quite perfect like they seemed to be. To be exact, Victoria’s Secret models are forced to follow a ridiculous diet to maintain a “healthy weight”. According to my research on how much a person should weight, these models are beyond underweight. The average weight of these women is 120 pounds and their height varies from 5’9- 5’10. Based on the height to weight ratio chart, a women their age and height should weight 153 pounds, being 132 under weight, therefore these models who seem to have a “perfect body” are in reality unhealthy.

Answer 2

I think you should start writing the body paragraphs first before writing the introduction. There are points in the introduction that is a little too specific, as such the facts about average weights. The introduction is meant to introduce the reader into reading the essay by a brief outline and to draw the reader into reading the essay. This introduction fails to introduce the main parts of the essay. There are general words in the thesis statement such as society and view that are vague. Which society is our society? Which view is being discussed? As I said, write the body paragraphs first, then write the introduction and the conclusion.

Answer 3

Firstly, there are grammatical errors. The first sentence does not have an agreement between the subject and verb. It's either "a beautiful woman" or "beautiful women." In the third sentence you say "suffer of ", it should be "suffer from." You also say they are taken "to" the life of..., that doesn't sound right. It would probably be better to say that they are lead into becoming anorexic. Your sentence beginning with celebrities is also incorrect. It should be; "Celebrities and models are not quite as perfect as they seem to be." The rest of the paragraph does not belong in an introduction. Those sentences are giving details that are not necessary for an introduction. I understand what you are saying but you need to put your words together in a better order. Read and reread.