Question

Can someone plz help me ?
I writing the essay for Rutgers University
and i just need some opinions about my first paragraph

here is the essay question

Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered.

Answer 1

Leaving a great family, I felt heartbroken and delighted at the same time. I was enlightened for going on a plane for the first time in my life. However, felt deserted because I had to leave every part of my family and culture. The plane was like a free bird reaching the far clouds. While on the plane, I felt as if I was going on a trip to Alexandria and not to a new country named America. I guess that alliteration in the names convinced me that they were the same, which was far away from the reality.

Answer 2

@monokerous can u plz check this ?

Answer 3

Is this an entrance essay?

Answer 4

yes

Answer 5

@monokerous

Answer 6

should i add another intro paragraph instead of starting right away with my travel experience ?

Answer 7

Hmm... Personally, I think it would be better to start off with something about yourself. (your background, what you believe, what future do you see for the world/humanity, your characters and why it makes you such a great leader.) Basically, you're trying to sell yourself. I'll give an example... The applicants are like phones and there are thousands of them... But there is only one buyer. So your goal is to capture the interest of the buyer so that he will pick you and not another phone instead.

Answer 8

character and qualities*

Answer 9

Check out these essays. Be sure not to plagiarize!

http://www.internationalstudent.com/essay_writing/college_essay.shtml
http://www.sparknotes.com/college/admissions/page21.html

Most importantly, sell yourself. ;)

Answer 10

@monokerous

should i write about the enduring experiences of being the laughing stock of my class because i did not know how to speak English in the past

and then go to the present where I have shown them how i improved and became the top of my class ?

Answer 11

@monokerous

Answer 12

Hmm... I'm not too sure that is what the question is asking.

Answer 13

and in it i inluse how that will affect me when going to the university

Answer 14

meant include*

Answer 15

It's asking you how do you think you can benefit from and contribute to the university.

Answer 16

as in, what qualities you have.

Answer 17

and what can you do for them? (If you have a talent or expertise.)

Answer 18

it is just that the samples u have sent me did that

they stated a part of a memoir or a background taht they had and then tranformed that background into how they will benefit from the universites that they are applying to

Answer 19

It's different. They got a different question. For this question, the university is asking you specifically about how you can contribute.

Answer 20

oh ok

Answer 21

but, if you think that you can pull it off, then go ahead.

Answer 22

ok then

Answer 23

Just make sure to include how your experience can help you contribute to their community.

Answer 24

oh ok thanku

Answer 25

you're welcome.