Question

I'm wondering if someone can have a look at this and tell me what they think of it so far? Thanks

Blue walls, a deep turquoise blue. On the walls hang little paintings, with inspiring quotes on them. A single bed against the window, a green shag rug. On it sit a guy and a girl, huddled around a laptop with coffee cups in their hand, leaning against the bed. A mirror hangs, on the adjacent side of the room, framed with faded pictures and old memories.

Answer 1

In the mirror, a reflection can be seen, of the study table, cluttered with books, medals and trophies as if to hide the girl’s various accomplishments. The boy reaches over to the dark oak side table beside him, slowly sliding his fingers across the smooth surface, stopping now and then, to touch the various trinkets that sit atop it. The girl watches as his mouth contorts into a soft smile before he turns his bright blue eyes around to face her. She lifts up a slender finger to flick the long, black locks of hair out of her face. The charm bracelet on her arm jingles. Below sparse lace of cardigan, goosebumps. The boy guy shuffles over and reaches back for his grey sweater and swiftly puts it around the girl’s shoulder. She smiles gratefully.

Answer 2

The girl reaches over with her blood red painted nails and hits the green triangle on the screen. Then she pulls the hoodie more securely around her shoulder. The screen goes blank and her shoulder tenses. They stare intently at the buzzing screen; heads so close they were almost touching, the coffee cups all but forgotten. Slowly, as the music begins, she relaxes back against the bed. A movie starts playing on the screen. The guy glances over at her. Their eyes meet, and he they grins at each her. Slowly the guy brings the cup of scalding hot coffee to his lips as he carefully watches colour rise up to the girl’s cheeks. She blushes and looks away.

Answer 3

The movie ends, music stops, the screens goes blank again. The room is enveloped in a peaceful silence as the girl and her companion sit on the green shag rug, thinking. The bright blue light of the alarm clock on the side table changes as the minutes pass. 5 minutes pass. As the clock hit 7:07, suddenly, as if risen from a slumber, they look up at each other, almost simultaneously. it seems. The wheels turn, in their head, as the same idea comes to both of them. Slowly, the girl reaches over to her side table and picks up a crinkled up piece of paper with the project details on it. She holds up the paper and carefully starts reading; the boy follows her bright hazel eyes as they scan the piece of paper. A dent appears in the middle of her forehead as she furrows her stick thin eyebrows in concentration. She sighs, and looks up briefly to notice the guy looking at her. Letting her dark black tresses fall from her shoulder so they covered her face, she continues to scan the piece of paper. She looks up slowly as a grin spreads across her beautiful face, putting her pearly white teeth on full display.

Answer 4

I think it's good. I wouldn't use just boy or girl. Maybe use a descriptive term (i.e. the laid back fraternity brother). I think the wheels turn in her head is a cliche. I think you write really nice though.

Answer 5

Thanks so much. What would you suggest instead of the wheels turning in the head because my prof hates cliches?

Answer 6

maybe "they turn to face each other"

Answer 7

But I already said that they face each other in the previous sentence.

Answer 8

oh.. oops

Answer 9

their eyes light up
PS it says "the clock hit 7:07" not hits

Answer 10

...

Answer 11

Their minds both become one, like synchronized swimmers ready to drive into a pool... It's corny, but something like that.

Answer 12

Oh haha... I didnt even notice the hit vs hits thing thanks. mmm.... alll good suggestions, thanks guys. I'm gonna have to log off and turn off my wifi now though because my laptop is almost out of battery, but thanks

Answer 13

good luck :)

Answer 14

I think that erdog82 is right add more than just boy or girl, but pretty good so far.

Answer 15

@NerdTime1997 @erdog83 @Antlers THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH for giving me your feedback. I really appreciate it! I'm going to go back to the description and fix up the "guy" thing. I'm wondering, should I just give him a name or do a description for him? Also this was for my final assignment for my English class for the fiction unit and its based off of an overheard conversation (that was the exercise that we had to use), so now that I've done some extensive detailing and setting the scene in the beginning, I have no idea where to go from there because the conversation is... well weird to be honest. Any suggestions?

This is the conversation. I have no idea how to add concrete description and stuff to this:

Girl: You can direct it! I can play the lead role. I want Mathew McConaughey as my Jack.
Boy: No way, you can’t have him.
Girl: Oh yeah? Why not?
Boy: Because then I want Megan Fox.
Girl: You’re not even going to be in it! You’re the director!
Boy: So?
Girl: Nope! You can’t have Megan Fox. Besides she’s so over rated.
Boy: Then you can’t have Mathew McConaughey either.
Girl: You suck! Can I have Ryan Gosling? Titanic 2 would be the best movie ever with him in it!
Boy: No!
Girl: Channing Tatum?
Boy: Absolutely not!
Girl: But – but – but, WHY NOT?
Boy: Because then I want Emma Watson.
Girl: No way she’s forever going to be Hermione! She can’t be in Titanic. No way.
Boy: If I can’t have Emma, then you can’t have Channing Tatum!
Girl: Well then, who am I going to get to be my jack? You know Titanic wouldn’t be the same without Jack. You can’t just have Rose but no Jack!
Boy: I’ll be Jack!
Girl: No you’re the director!
Boy: So? I want to be in this movie!
(There’s silence as the girl looks at the guy, blinking slowly)

Girl: See I have it all planned out. Mathew and I would meet on the set of Titanic. One day we’d both end up staying late for work and be the last ones out. He’d catch my eye and I’d catch his. And then, Bam! The earth would stop spinning; the angels in heaven would start singing; everything would move in slow motion. Everything would seem prettier and brighter as we would slowly drift towards each other-
Boy: Oh god, STOP! STOP! STOP! I don’t want to hear about your Mathew McConaughey fantasy. Ugh!
Girl: Just for that, I’m not inviting you to my wedding to Mathew.
Boy: Then I’ll break in, just as you guys are saying your vows, and scream at the top of my lungs – “Stop! She’s mine! You can’t marry her!”
Girl: No you won’t! This is my fantasy! You don’t get to be in it and ruin it!
Boy: And why not?
Girl: Because… ugh! You are impossible!
Boy: You want to hear my fantasy?
Girl: No!

(The girl looks at the guy – frustrated. The guy stares back, while smirking)
Boy: Well I’m going to tell you anyways. Megan and I would meet at a bar; she’d be wearing this backless shirt that hugged her in all the right places. Her long – oh so long legs – would be -
Girl: Eww… Stop! I don’t want to know your gross fantasy! You know what? You’re not allowed to get married!
Boy: Oh yeah? Says who?
Girl: Me!
Boy: Jealous?
Girl: God no! I have Mathew!
Boy: No you don’t! Remember I’m going to break into your wedding and claim that you’re mine!
Girl: But - but – but.... NO! You can’t!
Boy: Yes I can! You’re not allowed to marry anyone either!
Girl: I can marry whoever I want! You don’t get to make that decision for me! Now who’s jealous?
Boy: I am not!
Girl: Yes you are!
Boy: No I’m not!
Girl: Yes you are! I can’t hear you! NANANANANA
(Another Person walks in)
Person: Oh god, cut it out you two! I swear you guys are worse than a married couple! I hope you guys never get married!
Girl: Oh yeah? Who died and made you the queen?
Boy: Yeah! If I want to get married to her then I will!
Girl: Yeah, in fact you know what? I’m not getting married to Mathew! I’m getting married to him! And just for that comment, you have to be the Maid of Honour.
Person: Oh joy… (Whispers) finally!

Answer 16

@erdog82 * sorry

Answer 17

^The conversation up there was exactly how I heard and saw it including the stuff in the brackets.

Answer 18

Hmm. They seem really immature and at times cheesy. It really distracts from the reader. Even though this actually happened, doesn't mean it's good for a story. I would cut down on the jealousy and stick to him or her not bother by it. The beginning was funny, but then it got drowned out by the cheesy lines. For description I would show little ticks (i.e. touching her hair if she's nervous or him zipping up his jacket when he's annoyed). Just subtle drops. All in all, good start.

Answer 19

I know, the conversation is absolutely ridiculous which is why I'm struggling so much with it,
I might cut down on some of the lines a bit I guess. I guess my TA never really said that I cant cut and tweak lines. Thanks for the help though.

Answer 20

“You can direct it! I can play the lead role. I want Mathew McConaughey as my Jack.” She says, her eyes twinkling with excitement. The boy frowned at this.
“No way, you can’t have him.”
”Oh yeah? Why not?”
“Because then I want Megan Fox.” He said, while running his fingers through his chocolate brown hair.
“You’re not even going to be in it! You’re the director!” she rolled her eyes at him.

What do you think?

Answer 21

Ha. I thought you came up with this dialogue.

Answer 22

No way, this is just too weird of a scenario and dialogue to come up with. This was an actual conversation that I eavesdropped on. Our prof told us to do a ton of eavesdropping and be ready to write it all down in a notebook, laptop or phone.

Answer 23

This is another one I got at work, which was also an actual conversation I heard and had to hand in. These are both real, I kid you not:

From the depths of a bookstore

The couples corner...

"Aww stop you're such a good guy"
"I bet I'm a better kisser"

"This was just a one time thing? You've seen him only once?"
"I love him"


The back room...

"F@$& this guy"
"What did he do?"
"He tickled me!"
"He tickled you?!?"
"He tickled me..."
"oh."
"It was more like a hug..."
"Oh"
"To my midsection, he hugged my midsection"
"Oh."
"Do you want to be my bodyguard?"


"You tickled him?"
"I tickled him!!!"
"You tickled him...."
"Well it was more like a hug."
"Why?"
"Because I can't keep my hands off of him"
"He's freaked out by you"
"Oh this is just an everyday routine for us."
...
"He gave me a ride home once"
"Cool"


The till...

"I haven't seen you in forever"
"I know, it's terrible! Come here, I need a hug!"
"Aww..."

....
"I didn't get a hug from her. How come you did? I want a hug."
"Ask her"
"No"
...
"I didn't get a hug..."


The coffee shop...

"Can I get a grande peppermint white mocha?"
"Yeah, can I grab a name?"
"Yeah it's shr- nevermind you probably won't be able to spell it. It's sha-"
"You have your vest on. It has your name on it"
"Oh."

Answer 24

I would make this about a middle school or high school love because that was my first impression I got. I think you can have a lot of fun with this actually. Both ultra jealous, obnoxious and self conscious.

Answer 25

Ha the other one is really funny. You might find that one to be more enjoyable. It's funny that eavesdropping is required for you're class.

Answer 26

Well considering I am a university student, I find it hard to write from the perspective of junior high students. I am going to try my best. And yes, I wish I would have been allowed to use the other one because it's much funnier and easier to work with. Haha... I love it, I got some really funny conversations out of them!

Answer 27

But, the dialogue sounds okay so far though? From what I've written I mean.

“You can direct it! I can play the lead role. I want Mathew McConaughey as my Jack.” She says, her eyes twinkling with excitement. The boy frowned at this.
“No way, you can’t have him.”
”Oh yeah? Why not?”
“Because then I want Megan Fox.” He said, while running his fingers through his chocolate brown hair.
“You’re not even going to be in it! You’re the director!” she rolled her eyes at him.

Answer 28

Looks really good. Even though rolling your eyes isn't really a cliche, I would maybe try to use another motion. If you can't, that's fine. I just know my professor is a stickler for cliches.

Answer 29

Okay. Well good luck with everything.

Answer 30

Oh my prof LOATHES cliches. Thanks a ton. I'm going to go work on this a bit now. :)

Answer 31

Oh real quick: how about this instead of the eye rolling?

she clicked her tongue in disapproval at him. (or is it clucked? I never got that expression right)

Answer 32

that would be a great one