Question

Writing A Book. I Need Thoughts On The Prologue. Any Takers ?

Answer 1

BANG!
I ducked just in time to see my my sister, Angel, fly past me into the cream colored wall. With a face full of pain and agony, her distorted body flops to the floor and lies there in a puddle of her own blood. I look up to see the terrible creature. It was almost the size of the room. Which would explain the torn-in-half doorway. I stared into its blue eyes. They looked almost human. Its mouth agape in a loud howl of greif. I let out sharp cry as it ran past me on unusually light footsteps. As it ran past, it had a slight limp. A very deep cut had been placed on its left leg. I cradle my sister in my arms and think to myself, "How will I explain to this mother ?" A thought flashed in my mind. I lay her down with a silent tears falling down my cheek. I place one last kiss upon her forehead and ran into the kitchen, checked the time 3:03am and darted to my mothers room. I stare at the doorknob and wonder whats on the other side. I reach for the doorknob. My heart skips a beat. My hand finally grabs the metallic silver knob, and slowly turns....

Answer 2

" A very deep cut had been placed on its left leg" Cuts are not placed. A different word could be used.

"How will I explain to this mother ?" Obviously rephrase. This and to should be switched.

"I lay her down with a silent tears falling down my cheek." A single tear or many tears? A can only be used with one tear.

"I place one last kiss upon her forehead and ran into the kitchen, checked the time 3:03am and darted to my mothers room." Between checking the time and the actual time, there is no transition. It does not flow nicely. Also, there should be no "and" between forehead and ran. I would suggest turning it into two sentences, maybe? Your choice ultimately.

"I stare at the doorknob and wonder whats on the other side." What IS. Whats should have an apostrophe. So, whats should be what's.

Other than these noticeable things, I quite enjoy the prologue. As long as the story isn't as idiotic as Twilight.

Answer 3

Also in "I ducked just in time to see my my sister, Angel, fly past me into the cream colored wall." remove the second my :)

Answer 4

Another thing: "It was almost the size of the room. Which would explain the torn-in-half doorway." I would try and integrate these two sentences. It seems so sudden to end the first sentence then read the second. It's not a nice flow.

Answer 5

thanks. my friend said i had typos. im tired of saying I over and over again. so id rather keep the adjoining sentences together. so there should an and in "I place one last kiss upon her forehead and ran into the kitchen"

Answer 6

i was raised on the literature taught at a very bad, low grade school so i need all the help i can get.