Question

How can I make my writing more detail, without overdoing the adjectives? I've been told my structure is good, but could be more fleshed out.

Answer 1

Hm...can you shake a piece of your writing with me?
and maybe try looking for bigger words?

Answer 2

yeah ...can you tell us what topic you are writing on ..that way we can provide mor e ideas !

Answer 3

or are you asking in general ?

Answer 4

Sample: [Its from a fanfiction I recently wrote]

Rigby was now twenty-four and held a job at the Park.

During their elementary school years, when Rigby was constantly following Mordecai around, with one hand in his mouth, chewing away at his nails, they would go to the ice cream shop.

Mordecai’s mother would often walk them to the parlor. Mordecai would order vanilla and Rigby chocolate fudge ripple.

Mordecai’s mother would sit and talk to them about school, friends and anything else that would come up.

Those were good times, times when Rigby did not worry or feel scared. Everything was peaceful.

After work he walked to an ice cream shop. He walked in; the bells chimed after him. He took a deep breath. The smells of chocolate, strawberry and vanilla hit him. He welcomed it and drew in another breath, as he continued forward.

He gave the employee a forced smile, before his eyes flickered down to the flavors encased under the glass. He knew what he would ask for. The same flavor he ordered every single time.

Chocolate fudge ripple.

“Here,” the employee handed him his ice cream in a waffle cone.

He took the cone in his right hand and took out his wallet to pay.

Answer 5

I would say you don't need more detail really..just different wordings?

Answer 6

How so...

Answer 7

your writing is clear and that's good. i agree with the previous post that you don't need more detail. something i think you could work on is flow between the actions. your example shows good description(!) but the structure of it can end up sounding a little bit like a list. sort of like: "the character(s) did this. then he/they did that. then he/they did this other thing." i get a clear sense of the setting, which is great. do you think you could work on connecting the actions? maybe you could try using some transitions between the actions to make it flow a bit more. the end part where he is walking into the ice cream shop has good sensory details and better flow than the beginning. but let me give you a concrete example from that section that might help show what i'm talking about.

there are a couple of simple things in the first two sentences of that section that you could do to help the flow. the original was: "After work he walked to an ice cream shop. He walked in; the bells chimed after him." an example with more flow: "After work, he walked to an ice cream shop. As he opened the door, the bells chimed after him." what i did was add the word "As" to help it flow, and instead of repeating the word "walked" i changed it to "(As) he opened the door. . . " variation of wording really helps things sound less like a list and helps with flow, so that's a rule that you can maybe apply to some of the rest of your work. also maybe you can try using some connecting words such as "as, then, after, before, often, there were times when. . . " etc. these can help make a story flow. please ask me any questions you have about any of this.

Answer 8

Thanks, that makes more sense.

Answer 9

let me know if you have any other specific questions or if you need help with a piece of writing you're working on.