Question

Can someone help me remove 58 words from my scholarship essay. Ive already removed over 50 words. The scholarship only allows 700 words and I have 758. Please help me

Answer 1

What's the scholarship for ?

Answer 2

Pinellas County schools are forcing seniors to fill out this scholarship website. And it requires an essay on "Describe the greatest challenge you have had to face; or expect to face in the future."

Answer 3

Ah .. Well I know most people don't want to read about person al stuff , because , lets face it , they don't really care about your home life .. :/ Take out the part with your mom not being in the picture .. ( Not being mean , they just don't want to read about it , they'll think it's a sob story . )

Answer 4

Or , if you want . Revise it & Make it shorter .

Answer 5

Actually they do. That's the whole point of scholarship essays is to see how hard you will work. Im asking for help on what word can be paraphrased not to rewrite the whole thing

Answer 6

I never said rewrite the whole thing .
& Just shorten it , it's 58 words . I can't do it for you because that's not the point of this website . It's to guide you in the right direction . I don't care if you get in or not , just shorten your sentenced , a paragraph is 7 sentences . Take out a few sentences .

Answer 7

Alll of my paragraphs are 5 sentences except one. Yet other people post questions and get exact answers.

Answer 8

Sentences *

Answer 9

Well that's other people , I don't do that . I guide in the right direction like you're suppose to . If they're all exactly 5 sentences , shorten them .

Answer 10

Your not being helpful and you cant even type correct.

Answer 11

Okay , I space out my punctuation , I've graduated already . Thank you .

Answer 12

Honestly I don't care if you've graduated already or not. Your not helping me so stop commenting.

Answer 13

But shut up & listen . Take this sentence , for example :
" Since my mom wasn't in the picture as much as she should have, I missed out on being able to go on mother-daughter dates, allow me to go to sleepovers with friends, and just the enjoyment of having a mom around. "

Just keep it simple like this : " Since my mom wasn't in the picture as much as she should have, I missed out on the enjoyment of having a mom around. "

There ; You've already taken out 18 words . It's simple . Don't get pissy .

Answer 14

I am helping , I just helped you . I'm looking for anything else that can be taken out .

Answer 15

Sorry its just the school is hounding us on it. And ive already removed a lot of words. And it originally looked great. That looks good

Answer 16

From reading the first paragraph , this sentence : " Also I had to step in as the mom for my little sister and brother. " Doesn't really need to be in there , I figured since you're mom's an alcoholic , it's clear you had / have to take care of your younger siblings .

Answer 17

I don't see why there can't be an 1,000 word limit . Not 700 , it's stupid for some colleges to do that , but it's their choice .

Answer 18

Now you've removed 33/58 .

Answer 19

I know. It makes no sense for them to make the limit that low. If I remove that sentence then ill only have 4 sentences :/

Answer 20

And not entirely. In many family's the older siblings will not help out with the younger ones. Thats why I put that sentence there.

Answer 21

It's your intro , usually an intro introduces what you're about to talk about .. But where yours is going , I figured you were helping out . I wish I could say the same for myself because in technicality , I'm the younger one & I got pregnant & My 23 year old brother hasn't offered to help me one bit .. I'm 19 & all , but he just doesn't see to help me . But enough about me . (x You can take "totally" out in the second paragraph , second sentence I believe .

Answer 22

Is there a better way to phrase that sentence? In the intro I mean.. Okkk did that. I have 740 words

Answer 23

" Of course I would tell my mother that she needed to go in and speak to his teachers. Except some how she would never go. "
Can be said : " I would tell my mother that she needed to go & speak to his teachers, but she would never go . "
Lost 5 here ..

Answer 24

" Also I had to step in as the mom for my little sister and brother. "
Other than the way it looks , I would take out " Also " & Change " sister & brother " to " younger siblings " .

Answer 25

Okk 733.. I thought you couldnt start a sentence in an essay with "I"?

Answer 26

You can , How else would you reply to a " What do you think " question ? You would use I think .. etc .

Answer 27

Alright

Answer 28

" As a result of her not being there, I started to fall behind in school, and had difficulty keeping up during practices at cheerleading. No one knew what was going on in my family, I was embarrassed and I didn't have the confidence to something about it. "
Take out " at cheerleading " & Change " I was embarrassed & I didn't have the confidence to do something about it. " To : " I was embarrassed & I couldn't bring myself to speak up ."

Answer 29

Okk.. What do you mean take out cheerleading? Just the words "at cheerleading"?

Answer 30

Yeah . Tell me how many you have after that .

Answer 31

Umm ok

Answer 32

729

Answer 33

Finally I started to ask my teachers if I could possibly get extension due dates on some of my assignments. Most of my teachers understood my circumstances and gave me the extra time. It was harder trying to explain to my little sisters and little brothers teachers. Since my little brother liked to be the class clown, his teachers would write notes home in his planner explaining what he was doing or did for the day and sometimes asking for a parent conference. Of course I would tell my mother that she needed to go in and speak to his teachers. Except some how she would never go. I believe it was harder for my little brother and I. He was falling behind in class from trouble reading. He would guess a word by the first two letters instead of sounding out the whole word. It took me a while to help him catch up, but he did it and was able to move on to the next grade.

Take out these words / phrases : " possibly " , " some of my " , " Most of "
Change : " It was harder trying to explain to my little sisters and little brothers teachers. " & Shorten it to " It was harder trying to explain to my younger sibling's teachers." Did you take out the part about your mom not going to the meetings ?

Answer 34

Alright , how many do you have left to take out?

Answer 35

I have 722 .. So 22 words -.-

Answer 36

I'm not trying to take out a whole lot at a time , Sorry .. I still want your essay to sound good .

Answer 37

Its ok

Answer 38

The hardest parts for my little sister and I would be trying to get her projects done for school and getting to cheerleading practices.
Make it : " The hardest parts for my little sister and I would be getting her projects done for school and to cheerleading practices. "
Took out 2 words .

Answer 39

We always got her work done somehow, whether we had to try and write her assignments out instead of typing it for her teacher. Trying to get rides to practices in Pinellas Park was hard for my little sister more than me. Since she was on a younger team it was not easy finding parents that lived in Pinellas Park to drive her home to Clearwater. But usually we could find someone nice enough to drive us!

Take out " Somehow " . Revise the explanation :" Whether it was writing it out by hand "

Answer 40

Trying to get rides to practices in Pinellas Park was hard for my little sister more than me. Since she was on a younger team it was not easy finding parents that lived in Pinellas Park to drive her home to Clearwater. But usually we could find someone nice enough to drive us!

Revise to " Getting rides to practices " Take out " But " You can't start any sentence with But .

Answer 41

Okk 713

Answer 42

This is in the last paragraph , tell me how many you have after these changes.

Take out " unexpected " , changed " I did miss many " I missed opportunities " , Change " little brother & sister " to " Younger siblings " , change " My mother did start dating a man she knew from high school " to " My mom perused a relationship with someone from high school. "

Answer 43

707... Are you sure about taking out unexpected?? It sounds weird with out it there

Answer 44

Well , it would be " Shoved into a parental role . "

Answer 45

Okk

Answer 46

He was a great help in the first year he was in the picture. I made a huge choice to contact my dad after not talking for seven long years and asking him if I could move in with him.

Change : " he was in the picture " to " he helped us .
Rephrase to this :" I made a huge choice to ask him to move in after no contact for seven years . "
Tell me what's left .

Answer 47

"He was a great help in the first year he helped us." Does that look a little weird? ... And the second sentence you have- I asked to move in with him not him move in with me lol. So - I made a huge choice to ask him if I could move in after no contact for seven year

Answer 48

Here : " He was a great help during the first year he was with us . " & Yeah , Sorry . I'm doing a photography assignment & Helping you pick apart yours .

Answer 49

Ohh okk.. What about that other sentence? And I have 705

Answer 50

That last one is fine .

Answer 51

I moved in with him last year after christmas. I still stay in contact with my little brother and sister, constantly but I don't speak much to my mother.

Capitalize C in Christmas . & Change " I still stay in contact with my little brother and sister, constantly but I don't speak much to my mother. " to " I still stay in contact with my younger siblings but not much with my mother . "

Answer 52

It looks pretty good to me . I'd give it a 100 . Minus a few capitalization errors , but put it through a proof reading thing that should catch your misspellings / capitalization errors . Other than that , good luck on your scholarship .

Answer 53

Okk thanks for your help!!

Answer 54

You're welcome . (: