Question

Check My Answer?

Answer 1

Use temporal transitions to revise the following paragraph. You may need to create additional details or information. Use proper spelling and grammar.

Leah grabbed her purse and got on the bus. She pulled out her phone to text her friend. Someone on the bus asked her about her phone. The bus arrived at the mall, and Leah got out. She had forgotten her purse!

Answer 2

9:30 AM - Leah grabbed her purse and got on the bus. She sat down and pulled out her phone to text her friend. Looking around, the bus seemed to be empty. She felt a bit worried, as the bus she rode was always full. Luckily she had her phone, and her friends many messages to reply to, keeping her occupied for the time being. Then, out of the blue, came a boy! Out of nowhere! Leah was shocked! The boy walked toward Leah, then sat right by her! Not knowing who the boy was, Leah began to sweat. She turned pale and her legs began to quiver. She was scared out of her socks, and riding on a deserted bus during the night made it even worse! But it seemed that the boy only wanted to ask her about her phone! Leah was never more thankful in her life. They talked for what seemed like years! About the phone, about school, and about themselves! Shockingly, it turns out the boys name was Max, just like her little brothers name! As time passed by, Leah felt more at ease on the bus. She felt happy too, as she made a new friend!
Then, the bus finally arrived at the mall, and Leah got out. She waved goodbye to Max, who waved bye back. As the bus got further and further away, Leah noticed something! She had forgotten her purse!

Answer 3

I think it sounds good, but you have a few too many exclamation marks.

Answer 4

How About This:

8:30 PM - Leah grabbed her purse and got on the bus. She sat down and pulled out her phone to text her friend. Looking around, the bus seemed to be empty. She felt a bit worried, as the bus she rode was always full. Luckily she had her phone, and her friends many messages to reply to. Leah was occupied for the time being, and wasn't all that worried anymore. Then, out of the blue, a boy came out of nowhere! Leah was shocked! The boy walked toward Leah, and sat right by her. He kept staring at her and her phone. Not knowing who the boy was, Leah began to sweat. She turned pale and her legs began to quiver. She was scared out of her socks, and riding on a deserted bus during the night made it even worse! But it seemed that the boy only wanted to ask her about her phone! Leah sighed for relief and began calming down.
They talked about the phone and introduced themselves to each other. Their conversation seemed to go on for years! Shockingly, it turns out that the boys name was Max, just like Leah's brothers name! As time passed by, Leah felt more at ease on the bus and around Max. She felt happy too, as she made a new friend.
Then, just before the clock struck 9, the bus arrived at the mall. Leah waved goodbye to Max, who waved goodbye back. As the bus got further and further away, Leah noticed something...she had forgotten her purse!

Answer 5

That's much better. The only other change you need to make is where you have, "Shockingly, it turns out that the boys name was Max, just like Leah's brothers name!"
You should have "it turned out".

Answer 6

Thank you! Would that be all?

Answer 7

I checked it . . . . WITH YO ヽ(*・ω・)ﾉ PEACHES

Answer 8

Yes! I think it looks perfect now :)

Answer 9

SUCCESS! THANK YOU ALL!
And Chi Chi - That 71 Man

Answer 10

Your welcome!!

Answer 11

maybe @***[ISURU]***
can help u