Question

ITT: Critique my unfinished short story for my literature class.

Answer 1

I can't look at it :/ I'm sorry.

Answer 2

D:
y u do dis

Answer 3

Because I don't have the new version of Microsoft word D:

Answer 4

o. In that case...

Answer 5

im going to take notes as i read

Answer 6

doit

Answer 7

P1) **"That was good, in the sense that there was no crime to be taken care of, but it was also bad because the force were bored out of theirs minds". This sentence can do the job, but I would reword it differently, particularly the 'bored out of their mind bit'. Maybe specify that James had yet to be out on an exciting adventure. "It was good in the sense that there was no crimes to be taken care of, but James was waiting anxiously for a phone ring to adventure" or something along those lines.

P2) **Change OK to okay.
**Try using some variety in words like "said" or asked


I have to run to the grocery store but when I get back ill finish this, ok?

Answer 8

mmk gurl

Answer 9

> James, an intern of a newly assembled police force, was staring out of his window daydreaming.

"James, an intern of the newly assembled Crime Syndicate, often daydreamed while looking through the depth of his window."

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>The city may have been bursting with life, but it was a slow day for the Time Corps. There had been very few calls to the main office. That was good, in the sense that there was no crime to be taken care of, but it was also bad, because the members of the force were bored out of their minds.

"The city isn't usually quint and bleak. However, today marked a slow progression for the Time Corps. Very few calls had been made to the main office - which meant criminal activity was more static than usual; least the neurotic asymptotically criminals passively etched their way under our radars. In direct correlation, members of the syndicate were rather gloomy and lull.
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I've written a book before and love literature. I would change every single line if I had the time, but these are a few changes I would make.

Remember, if you want to write a good book, don't keep using the same words. Use abstract words and never repeat yourself. Detail is vital.

Answer 10

>if you want to write a good book
it's a short story for literature class that's based off of a skit for a 9th grade history project that I did. Lul.

Answer 11

Also, I don't want to use words with 54238695743652 syllables, at the risk of looking like I have no idea what I'm talking about, because I'd have no idea what I'm talking about.

Answer 12

Also, never end a sentence in, "is," "was," or use things like, "Is it," or, "from what you can see."

Try to use the least amount of words as possible.

For example:

"By the time he was given the OK to go home, it was 8:00 PM. When he arrived at his house, he scurried around his disorganized room for his vest and handgun."

Could be written as

"The dark and dismay atmosphere that encompassed him only attributed to his drunken state. The clock struck eight! Quickly! He thrashed thereabout his disorganized room searching for his vest and handgun!"

When you want to promote intense actions, use short sentences and exclamation marks.

Answer 13

Also, "By the time he was given the OK to go home, it was 8:00 PM" is a run-on sentence. Should be, "It was eight pm by the time he was given the cue to go home."

Answer 14

@poopsiedoodle , I hate to be the bringer of bad news.

Answer 15

he wasn't frunk tho

Answer 16

drunk*
fak u keyboard

Answer 17

Uh - righto, but "drunk," doesn't refer to your BAL.

Drunk is a term often used in reading. "Drunken state." "Drunken staggering." It means you move with a heavy center of gravity.

Answer 18

yeah, but he wasn't exactly in a drunken state either. Just making an even bigger mess than there was already while being 3excited5me

Answer 19

Even if he was 3923excited39234me, "stagger" would be a better word to use. Or, "360 degrees and walked away." Something along those redundant lines.

Answer 20

comp pls
I'm not a professional writer ;_;
he was just excited, not impaired

Answer 21

Why not learn some l33t writing skills?

Answer 22

cuz dat wut i m do
This is the first thing like this that we've done though, so I don't expect harsh grading, and there will probably be suggestions like nobody's business.

Answer 23

You need to be torn apart for every aspect of your writing. Destruction is the best way to learn.

Answer 24

pls

Answer 25

gooby no

Answer 26

lol I wonder which person was using Comp then... :P