can someone please help me, checking over my introduction paragraph, looking for grammartical errors and if it makes sense...please!

Question

anonymous · Answer

~very well structured *^.^* ~ honest opinion 
~just make sure u indent at the beginning 
~you can go very far with this topic, and i think you covered a lot in this intro, and your body paragraphs should be just as strong.

anonymous · Answer

my professor likes short sentences and to be direct

shadowlegendx · Answer

Keep in mind that not all zoos are like the one that you describe. The zoo that we have here in Honolulu is amazing, kept in good shape along with keeping the animals healthy. Also you can easily learn from the animals as they have easily spotted large sings next to each animal exhibit that display very well written paragraphs with interesting information on the animal(or plant as we do have a garden area at our zoo). The animals are always kept in evironments that comply with the animal(s) that stay in it.

shadowlegendx · Answer

Here is an example: http://www.honoluluzoo.org/support-the-zoo/enrichment/tiger-animal-scents.html

anonymous · Answer

for this paper im trying to state a problem and then a solution, my audience is a person in the field who disagrees with me

anonymous · Answer

you saying that i should restructure the whole parapraph identifing that some zoos are well kept?

shadowlegendx · Answer

I said to " Keep in mind ."

shadowlegendx · Answer

To restructure the whole paragraph is your choice

anonymous · Answer

i do have some soucres that show  that some zoos do care for animals.. do you think it would get me a better grade if i did restructure it?

adrynicoleb · Answer

You did pretty good on your own; good job! :)

- Try to fix that one sentence. It was hard to see what you were getting at there... The one that says. "The state, government, and zookeepers do not see the animals as anything else, but money these funders do not allow most importantly for these animals to live a healthy fit life which affects them in the future when wanting to procreate, and secondly the public does not gain any knowledge other than what a neglected and abused animal looks like "  You could turn that into three separate sentences. (Yes, it is a run-on sentence.) 

For example: "Secondly the public does not gain any knowledge other than what a neglected and abused animal looks like." can be it's own sentence.

- Use more descriptive words. It helps to grab the reader's attention and interest them a bit more. 
- It has a good flow and length to it. 
- "Funders" is not a word.
- Try not to be repetitive with the words you chose. It distracts the reader from the information and can confuse them. It can maybe even seem as if you're saying the same thing over and over. If you want to use a certain word again, just use the synonym. Or rather, a word similar to it.

For example: Instead ---> But in reality

-Make sure to have commas after transition words.

I hope this helps you out a little bit!! If you want help after you revise it, feel free to tag me. :)

anonymous · Answer

thank you so much... i will work on it right now, so i can tag you for the revision

adrynicoleb · Answer

Cool beans :)

anonymous · Answer

what do you think?

adrynicoleb · Answer

What you did with that run-on sentence is awesome! I think those three sentences are the most well-written. :D

I would work on the first, third, and fourth sentence a little bit more though. Since you are describing, try to be a little bit more clear. It helps to use words that catch the readers attention instead of common words that are used everyday. 

I would change the second sentence to: "But in reality, you are walking into a facility that holds animals captive in small concrete cages with metal bars."

Simple things like that could go a long way when it comes to writing :P

anonymous · Answer

thank you so much for your help, i really appreciate it!

adrynicoleb · Answer

You're welcome! I'm glad I used my time wisely. :P

anonymous · Answer

one more question is it okay to use I me mine in a research paper?

adrynicoleb · Answer

What do you mean?

anonymous · Answer

can i say use first person or second person "i think this" or "you are thinking this" does it sound okay or should i stick to three person

adrynicoleb · Answer

Hmm. Well, since you have already used third person, I would stick with it. But it also depends on what you are going to write. It's all up to you :)

anonymous · Answer

oh okay...thank you!!

adrynicoleb · Answer

You'll do awesome. :P Bye :)

anonymous · Answer

bye! good night