Question

First draft of an untitled story--I would appreciate criticism and thoughts regarding it!

Answer 1

Here it is.

Answer 2

This is really fascinating! I got hooked in the very beginning! I like the concept of the glass, for some reason. I wonder what the "cure" will be? Hmmm . . .

Anyway, I liked it. You had proper grammar, good spelling, and a good tone to it. When I read something, I like to have it where I imagine someone is reading it to me, and that's the vibe I got from this. The only issue I have (and it's only a small issue!) is that the language you use doesn't correspond as much with the language the characters use. I was getting a sense that this would be a Lord of the Rings type of tone, but the way the characters talk makes it sound 21st century-ish.

Otherwise, I'd say you're on the right track. Keep up the good work! :)

Answer 3

Thank you very much! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Glass is always fun. What's even more fun is trying to decide whether the glass should be transparent, regular glass, or beach/sea-glass. If it were sea-glass, what would the color be? That's really neat to think about, though I haven't decided. Thoughts on that?

I try my best to make sure it's presentable. XD And that's kind of interesting, because when writing in third person, or even in any other person, I think of someone reading it aloud (without being in monotone). So it's pretty cool to see it had that effect for you.

When in third person, I tend to use a tone independent of the characters' tones; this is because, quite simply, the narrator isn't any of the characters (usually). This isn't even supposed to have a specific tone, and I certainly wasn't aiming for a Lord of The Rings-esque one. And about 21st Century, this isn't a fic that takes place in the distant past or future, but in a world separate from our own. And the year is actually 2014--I have Character Sheets that go a little more into detail about that, and they're in a previous question. I'll make a new one to show the additions made to them, though, which includes more information.

Alright, Ma'am...Sir..Gaberdeen-person! I'll see what I can do to improve it.

Answer 4

@ManImStumped

Answer 5

Well, wow, that was far better than I'd imagined.. but so short T_T
I would love to read more. So now, what I got from it:
- The writing style: Fascinating, truly, and so incredibly original and unique (at least in my knowledge), it felt almost poetic. I found myself frequently reading it as I would a poem, and the words were, for lack of better words, flowy. Sorta like Gaberdeen, I also found myself wondering what accent I should read it in, so I stuck to some sort of posh Old-English. Pretty darn cool, if you ask me
- The idea: Really cool, and though I had originally thought, yesterday, that it might've been cool in Xenophon's perspective, seems you've proven me wrong. It was great starting with the young lady, and the feelings (of loneliness) were not force-fed to me like I found other stories often tend to do.
- Universe: Is this an alternate universe? Or a parallel one where they will be able to see what is happening in the present (our) world? Sorta like angels I guess. Please do explain what this place looks like too!
- Chapter: The length seemed mighty short :( I WANT MOAR :3
- Title: What will it be :o

And yea, that's pretty much all I can think of right now. Thanks for sharing, and please continue to do so! Goodnight again :)

Answer 6

I'm kind of confused as to how you guys like it so much, since after a point I kept on thinking it /wasn't/ great. And yes, it's short. I rarely make a chapter that is longer than 2-4 pages.
-That is so weird to me--I've never thought that my writing style was all that different from others'. Poetic? Well, I was just trying to have the narrator show how Lividenya felt and what her situation was. Yay, Flowmotion! And about accents...I don't think I've read it that way. XD
-Lividenya and Xenophon both do have really different views of the world, but Lividenya's perspective will allow more wonderment as time goes on. You should also take note of her "job" as an artist, and how good she is and isn't. That will actually become important later on. Xenophon's perspective, as I said before, will definitely be shown, and once it is, you'll see how things really come together. About loneliness...I was actually really sure that I'd wrote in too depressing of a way, or that I WAS "force-feeding" loneliness. Glad to know that you didn't think of it that way.
-This will be explained as the story goes on. But it is an alternate universe, and it is set in that universe's twenty-fourteen (because I'm a cheapo, kind of).
-I know, and I'm sorry, but you'll have to deal with it for now. >:D Muahaha.
-I'm thinking of Connectivity, because of the plot and the kinesis powers (they sound somewhat similar). How about that?

You're welcome! Oh, and the character sheets have been updated.

Answer 7

But Third Main Chara is still not yet developed.

Answer 8

:D A new character sheet! I'd like to see it soon. And dude, a unique, original story is always hard to come by. Let's hope all your characters stay compelling B)

P.S - Are you planning to get this published? If you were, what kind of book would it be? A novel? Novella? Will it have pictures? Age rating? Intended audience? Publishing company? Cover art? Pen name or real name? I've always been too lazy to complete any story I start, so it gets me excited when someone IS actually gonna likely finish something :D

Answer 9

Want me to attach the file here, or in a new question? And while I agree that there are many Same Stories out there, I know many fanfic authors who have highly excellent work.

...Welp. Now I feel bad, because it's highly likely I WON'T finish this. I have so many unfinished works that it's not even funny, but some of my works are more complete than others, like one I was making for English class before the end of the semester.

If I DID finish and publish it, it would have a picture at the start of each chapter, probably. It would likely be for Young Adults (pre-teens) and Teens, both sexes, but really for just about anyone who can understand and like it. Not sure about publishing company. Of course there'd be cover art. Tough one; real or pen? I might go with pen, the name being my current username, Frost Felon.

Also, for novel/novella: https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070417120952AAX6KBY

We've been discussing sub-plots and the like, remember? So based on this comparison/contrast, it'd be a novel, though likely a short one (as in, pages 100-300).

Answer 10

And you didn't even comment on anything I said except the "New Character Sheets" part. XD

Answer 11

I did too :o, I said I wanted to see it! Did you post it up yet? Also, novels are awesome, not that I don't like novellas, but its easier to appreciate the subplots sometimes cause its like taking a break from the main plot. You should try to figure out what your main conflict will be, and then your subconflicts after you've chosen the supporting characters. I always feel like its important to have supporting characters in case you want to make a sequel or a trilogy.

Oh, and just a heads up. I may or may not be on your behind the whole time, /forcing/ encouraging you to finish ;)

Seriously, its totally worth it if you do, since like, you can get money and your name out if you finish. Totally sweet deal.

Lastly, how old are you? Are you done high school yet?

Answer 12

Oh man, I'm so sorry for the late reply! Some trouble came up and I couldn't get the time sooner!

I can understand that--novels take you on a longer and possibly more exciting adventure, in some genres. And yeah, supporting characters are great! ^_^

Uh-oh! Apparently, my English Teacher might be doing the same thing. I gave her this first draft, as well as some others; she hadn't read them yet, but she said that if and when I complete the novel, to give her a signed copy. XD

Possibly. But I'm quite the lazy person, so I don't know if I COULD do it.

Fourteen, fifteen later this year. Finishing 9th.

Answer 13

:o you're young! Let's hope you finish :)

Answer 14

Yeah, I hope so too! So, do you still want me to post the somewhat-improved character sheet, or...?

Answer 15

Yeah, I'd like to see it

Answer 16

Okay. It STILL doesn't have that third character, but I'll post it in another question.