Question

Can you rate my memoir essay???

Answer 1

For 8th grade English class, we had to write a short memoir. I just wanted opinions before I submit anything.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B2XTgWz9jeJCLVFvaERPY3F6amM/edit?usp=sharing

And is this considered a memoir???

Answer 2

Here is the rubric...the rubric is for the final draft, and mine is a rough draft, so keep that in mind

Answer 3

You started off the paper very strong and I really enjoyed reading it. I was so into it. There were some questions I had though...

1.Why were you in New Mexico anyway?

2. Did you see the bears out of the corner of your eye while playing mario bros? I would include that in your paper.

Errors I Found:

1. "As I trekked up the dusty road with my dad, I saw a freshly killed bird lying in on the jagged road." That sentence is a little oddly worded because you describe the road twice in that sentence "dusty" and "jagged." I would say something like "As I trekked up the road with my dad, I saw a lifeless bird lying on the jagged road." Just reword your original sentence :)

2. "The scorching rays of the sun beat down on us as we continued on our pursuit of the bears as I carried out my personal vendetta." I felt that it was right on the edge of becoming a run on sentence. I would stop the sentence after "Bears" and leave out the part where you carried your own vendetta.

3. this whole paragraph needs help. There is a lot of repetitive information and it can be condensed. I will start with just one thing that needs to be fixed. "Around me were enormous mountains covered by huge green trees." You already stated that in the beginning of the paper and I don't care as the reader to see that again. I would say something like, "Around me were the aspen trees that I had spotted from the hotel balcony. They are even more beautiful and luscious up close." Just flows better :)

4. You used "scorching sun" twice. use a different adjective :)

The rest of the paper is all right. It gets very dramatic when you find out that there are no bears. I'm not sure I like the dramatic effect too much but it's not like terrible. It's not good or bad.

Very GREAT job with vocabulary. You used very intriguing words and I enjoyed the paper. Just fix a few minor mistakes and you'll be on your way!

Answer 4

And it could kind of be considered a memoir. The real definition of a memoir is "a historical account or biography written from personal knowledge or special sources" and you did write in past tense. Some areas you didn't but that's an easy fix

Answer 5

Thank you, I have already submitted the rough draft, but I'll be sure to take your advice in the final copy :)

Answer 6

No problem, good luck!