Question

I'm a bit new, and I am more of a critical person so please be frank!

Answer 1

The Orphan and the Cab
By: Story8750

Prologue

"He held her hand tightly as she screamed through the pain. He tried to keep her calm and told her she was doing great. Kept telling her to breathe and never left her side. Two hours of this by and a little girl was brought into the world. But just as soon as she was brought into it the doctors came in and said she's been taken out of it. Silence filled the room and both became numb. From their on months and crying and sekf blame filled their once happyt home. Both in a state of shock stopped trying and grew very distant over the years."


Six thousand five hundred seventy four days, nine hundred thirty nine weeks, two hundred sixteen months, eighteen years. I've waited eighteen years to leave the orphanage. Not talented or pretty enough to be adopted. My hair too wild to be tamed and my annoyingly bright blue eyes throw off my bronzed skin and dark brown hair. Also another reason I have never been adopted is because I chose to hide away when the "buyers" other wise known as future parents. I just hid up in my tree daydreaming of the day I would walk out the doors on my own. I'd eat a cookie thinking how if I can last this long on my own I'm strong enough to last this way for the rest of my life. I used to think that maybe I could live with Ama my caretaker, well the Orphanage caretaker. But she died last winter of Leukimia, it makes me sad to think shes gone but some nights I can wake up and feel her there. Helping me after I have had a nightmare. Giving me a cookie with some milk and always reminding me, "Sweets do not give bad dreams, only the sweetest of all." I believed her than and I still do because on the nights she wasn't there I could just picture the nights we sat in the kitchen together. Her sharing her cooking secrets with me.But today is not the day to cry, today is the day to create a new Identity, a better person than Natalie Parrish. I decided my name long ago but never said it aloud, like it was my own little secret. Melody... Melody Erin, international spy... obviously not but its the thought that counts. I have the grades to be an exceedingly succesfull person but I couldn't stand an office job. I have tons of money from Ama, she had no one to leave it to and she was always my family, and I was her's. I also saved all of my money, Every tooth fairy cash saved, Christmas money, and birthday change.Except couch cushion money, every child needs a sugar boost at least once in a while. If you don't than what kind of childhood did you have? I stood at the gates waiting for them to push the button to open them and when they did I looked back and saw no one there, waving bye, no smiles or tears. That little notion that no one is here for me anymore pushed me out those gates faster than I anticipated. Good timing too, I saw a yellow cab I called for about a half hour ago. It pulls up in front of me and I hop in with just a back pack, and a new dream... to travel, i’d rather a yellow cab than a brick road.

“Where to?” is the first thing I ask this gorgeous mess that luckily for me hops in. First pick up of the day and I end up at an orphanage expecting a new family and I get the girl who wasn’t picked, really surprising to because she isn’t ugly. It’s pretty depressing. She is gorgeous though, with her dark hair and bright eyes, gorgeous skin. I sneak a look at myself hoping to look acceptable, at least presentable. Nope, my black hair short spiked looks like I just woke up, which I did but at least my face doesn’t show it. I quickly grab my leather to hide my cut off shirt but then mutter “screw it” when I remember it’s 90º out and I’m wearing jeans and my good pair of black sneakers.I look up and see her studying me a bit, as soon as I catch her in the act she looks down and says something I can’t quite catch, so I quickly say, “What was that?” She perks up and says, “ Sorry I didn’t mean to be rude.” Shocked I sit stunned for a minute trying to think what in gods name made that voice. But before the silence gets dragged on too long I smirk and say, "It’s fine and all, as long as I can stare at you from time to time.” She gets a big smile on her face now and says, “Sounds like a deal” Than before I am even able to pull of the curb she quickly says “ By the way, is that an Irish accent I caught?” Crap I must have let it slip without noticing again. Makes me feel good that she doesn’t mind. She speaks again, “ Cause it’s either that or you just happen to look Irish” I laugh and say no you caught me fair and square, and what makes me look Irish?” She points at my hair and I put on a confused look and say, “Not all of the Irish have black hair!” I can’t help but laugh now.

Answer 2

Sorry about those, I copied it from my online note pad

Answer 3

There are multiple grammar errors in your prologue. I will try to tell you all of them.

Your sentence starting with "kept" is a fragment.
You are missing commas and words are used that shouldn't be, like in "But just as soon as she was brought into it the doctors came in and said she's been taken out of it."
Correct ---> "But just as soon as she was brought into it, the doctors came in and said she had been taken out."
Normally sentences should not be started with but due to it being a conjunction, but some people do start sentences with but anyways.
Original " From their on months and crying and sekf blame filled their once happyt home. Both in a state of shock stopped trying and grew very distant over the years."
Correct ---> "From there on, months of crying and self blame filled their once happy home. Both in a state of shock, they stopped trying and grew very distant over the years."

I stopped reading, but the prologue sounded awesome as far as a story goes! Just watch your grammar errors. I stopped reading because of the errors, but the prologue was great!

Answer 4

Also, be careful of punctuation errors.

Answer 5

How old are you? I say if you learn correct English and the rules to apply, you should become an author. Work really really hard on learning how to write a proper sentence and how to use correct punctuation. You could write a heck of a story if you knew how to use correct grammar and punctuation. If you are young, don't worry about it, as you will probably learn throughout high school.

Answer 6

Sorry about that, it was an old story that I had written a long while back, sorry about the errors, sometimes my cousin looks through it and messes with it to upset me, very sorry, but thank you all for the critical thoughts, very much appreciated!

Answer 7

No problem! It was great!