Question

can someone read my poem and tell me what they think?

Answer 1

whats your poem

Answer 2

i've just been critiquing my writing style

Answer 3

lie your so casual, how you dance around in my mind finally tripping out my mouth like broken melody's
like shattered vowels cutting through my teeth
where is your manners?
you invite yourself into conversations you werent welcomed too
do you ever think about what youve done ?
youve become a variable in a equation that you do not fit in
youve made me keep a mental note of you
youve made me rememeber you
do you know what youve done to me?
i thought you could save me
i thought you could hide me
but everybody knows whats done in the dark comes to light
but i believed you over them
do you know what youve done to them?
yesterday i heard my baby cry because she found out about you
and i always told her not to give into you
but i gave you to her
my mouth became your auction
and you auctioned my words off to the highest bidder over and over
do my words have any value to you?did i tell you i could feel the pain in her cry i felt her cutting resntment into her arms
do you know how many hearts youve broken today?
do you care how many families youve torn apart today ?
lie i made a promise i'd never tell you again and again and again
this would be my last lie

Answer 4

if i get a good response i will post more of my poetry

Answer 5

i liked it

Answer 6

lol okay but why @kaykay99 if you don't mind me asking

Answer 7

very descriptive and vivid.

Answer 8

oh ok thank you @kaykay99

Answer 9

welcome

Answer 10

I read your poem. The writing style is very deep, sad and emotional.

Answer 11

When I critique, I try to highlight what is effective (the Good) and what is unprofitable (the Bad).

I like the emotion that soaks the words and the details that pull other people into the story. The repetition of the line "do you ever think about what youve done ?" is nice, too.

For the first half of the poem, the varying line length bothers me; I prefer more uniform line length. Also, there is no concern for grammar and punctuation whatsoever, which I find to be an important aspect of poetry. Punctuation tells the reader when to speed up, when to pause, and when to stop. Much emotion, material, and technique is lost without it.

Lastly (and back to the Good),The last two lines are beautiful and impactful; I especially like the "again and again and again" part.