Question

Poem Critique?

Answer 1

"Life Isn't a Game"

The games we play,
Pretending that we’re someone we're not,
Fickleness blowing on the wind.

You go but you'd rather stay.
Can't find an answer when someone puts you on the spot.
In a place, but can't find it again.

Seem like we know what to say,
We're really just fumbling around, bailing when things get hot.
Ah, Humanity and Chaos, the places they've been.

Humanity has no set path nor way;
People who are real shouldn't be afraid of being caught
They shouldn't be embarrassed, no chagrin.

What if people were real?
What if we said what we thought and what we feel?
Now, doesn't that idea have a certain appeal?

Answer 2

Feedback is welcome. This is just something that I scribbled down and I want to do what I can to make it better.

Answer 3

Hi, it's a really great poem!

Here's what I would suggest though:
-use more enjambment because it will create a smoother poem. When you end every line with a comma or period, when read and spoken aloud, it sounds sort of choppy and halting
-in stanzas two and three especially, the second line is a lot longer than the first and third; i would say to perhaps create more equally long lines. the use of enjambment will help with this structure!
-in the first stanza, i would suggest to say "fickleness blowing IN the wind" not "ON the wind"
-"Ah, Humanity and Chaos, the places they've been." Great line! I see you wrote a stanza on Humanity. Perhaps you could also add one about Chaos?
-And last stanza is perfect! Great lines!

Here's what I would suggest to create a smoother flow for the last stanza though (using enjambment!)

What if people were real? What
if we said what we thought and what we feel?
Now, doesn't that idea have a certain appeal?

Just so that the two "What if" questions sort of blend together :)

Those are just suggestions, but really, your poem is great and just follow what you feel is right and what you feel that you want to do with the poem!

Answer 4

Thank you very much!!! That was very helpful.. :)

Answer 5

this is amazing

Answer 6

@geneticrockhopper247 i have to disagree a little with@iheartfood like it was choppy yes but i had the feeling u did that on purpose. I mean if u didnt then hes totally right but i thought u made it choppy for like a symbolism sorta thing i guess. To make it have that edge because thats how life is. A little choppy. Also for me it was kinda in the flow that i feel like life is especially how u described it. I personally loved it.

But no matter what critiques while always helpful when it comes to poetry the poem is about the writer and the writer alone so if u think its perfect than its perfect. But always still have open mind to critics u never know what u might learn

Answer 7

yes, definitely. i just wrote what i thought, but everybody's different! like i said, the key thing is to follow your instinct :) say what you want to say and don't change what you're dead set on because of what others say :)

Answer 8

I just came back to this poem.

Yes, the lines are choppy on purpose. I chose different lengths to give the overall feeling of chaos, ans I used an ABC ABC ABC ABC DDD rhyme scheme to tie it together, kind of like life. The DDD was separate to propose the solution to the chaos.

Answer 9

ahh okay very cool:)

great job!