Question

Critique my expository essay on responsibility?
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1LeiwkkFPWCkVt3NvN_acU4aSRMml5ABjfu-wT8COT-8/edit?usp=sharing

Answer 1

It's for 9th grade, it's supposed to be 26 lines, and the rubric is: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B4tmR1QB2SUTSnlVQ1JheE9YdzA/view

Answer 2

I like you essay

Answer 3

maybe alittle more of these "," would do in one of your sentence
grammer is good

Answer 4

i like the beginging it a pull for the readers

Answer 5

its*

Answer 6

i think you should delete the "Besides" in the beginning of the 3rd paragraph. It sounds better without it! :D

Answer 7

Thanks! @Phebe
@jellybean11122 I wasn't sure if I should leave that in or not. The essay has a conversational tone, and "besides" adds to that, but it doesn't seem quite as grammatically pleasing.

Answer 8

That's true... it does sound like you r creating a conversational tone.
I mean deleting it makes it sound more professional, but you can keep it if you want! :))
Oh and also......... maybe you should delete the "and" in the 3rd paragraph, 3rd sentence!
Usually, sentences in an essay aren't supposed to begin with the words "and" or "but."

Answer 9

welcome!!

Answer 10

Yeah, I should probably do that, I'll change that :)

Answer 11

good idea :DD good luck with this essay! hope you get a good grade~