Question

Hey! I need some feedback on a short horror story i am writing! I need to know if it is a good start, as i have not finished it yet!

Answer 1

@iGreen , @paki , @uri , @Joel_the_boss , @Compassionate can you give me some feedback?

Answer 2

so weres the story

Answer 3

“Hey, wait up!” I yell. My friend, Toris, and I are going to go to a really creepy abandoned house at the top of the hill near my house, people say it's haunted, and we can't wait to find out. “I will slow down when you speed up, Lex!” he shouts back to me. “Yeah, right!” I yell up to him. My name is Lexi Galliano, but my friends call me Lex, in case you haven't noticed. Toris finally slows down enough for me to catch up to him, but just as I reach him, he swings right and jogs down the driveway to The House. “Here we are!” I say excitedly. “Got that camera Lex? Cause we are gonna get EVERYTHING on tape!” He says. Yeah, I got it Toris.” I reply. I reach into the backpack I brought with me and produce a professional grade camera, the one my mom gave to me after she died. I start the camera up and hit the record button. I point the camera at Toris. “You're on, you know.” I say. Toris looks straight into the camera and says,”Hello there viewers. What you are about to see is raw footage from Lexi and Toris' exploration of The House.” When he says the last few words he puts up his hands and wiggles his fingers towards the camera. I roll my eyes at him. Toris can be so stupid sometimes. “Let's just get inside before it gets too dark.” I say to him. I check my watch, 5:15. Toris nods and starts toward the front door. I point the camera at the door and walk up behind Toris. “Think it's unlocked?” He asks me. “I don't know. Probably. Nobody's lived here for like 20 years.” I reply. He shrugs and tries the door. It doesn't budge. Interesting. Its locked. I think. “Let's go around to the back door. Maybe that door's unlocked.” We start to head around to the back of the house, when we see that a window is broken about three feet above us. “Hey, Toris! I think I just found us a way in.” I say. “Yeah. But there is only one problem. How are we gonna get up there? It's not like we have a ladder or steps or something! I say we go check the door in the back. That makes more sense.” Toris says. I walk up to the wall. It's a brick wall, which would give shoes a little bit of traction. “How about we run up the wall and grab the window sill? We're both strong enough to pull ourselves up.” I say. I hand the camera to Toris, who points the camera at me as I back up. I take a deep breath, run, and jump onto the wall, beginning to wall-run. My feet slip off the wall easily, but give me enough traction to grab the window sill. I grit my teeth and pull myself up to the window and fall to the floor inside the house. My hands sting from broken glass cutting my hand. “Alright, I'm up! Your turn.” I say to Toris who is filming me from the ground. “Here, catch!” he says as he tosses the camera and my bag up to me. I catch them and set them inside against the wall to my right. I start to film him as he backs up and runs up to the wall, doing the same I did. He grabs the window sill, but his hands slip and he falls. “Ha-ha. I'm glad I got that on camera!” I say to him. He stands up and tries again, this time managing to pull himself inside. He stands up and says,”WHOO-HOO! We made it inside!” I look around me. We are standing on a landing on a set of stairs. Downstairs I can see a basement light hanging from the ceiling. I focus a little harder on the basement and make out a tipped over couch, a couple chairs, and a lot of boxes stacked up behind the furniture. I notice that the basement is flooded, with a strong smell of mold floating up to me. “Oh God, that smells.” I say. I start to walk up the stairs, with Toris following right behind me. I hand the camera to him, telling him to film everything that happens. We reach the top of the stairs and see a bunch of doors that are closed, almost inviting us to open them all and discover the secrets inside this house. We walk over to the first door and it opens before we can touch the handle. “Creepy.”I say. I look inside and see that the room is empty. Toris goes and checks the other rooms, with no luck. “That's weird. None of the rooms have anything in them. Not even broken stuff or water puddles. That was disappointing.” I say.

Answer 4

Does it show up alright on your end?

Answer 5

let me read

Answer 6

it shows up

Answer 7

ya thats a really good story just needs some polishing

Answer 8

here

Answer 9

now answer this Layers of graffiti ____ public transit vehicles in some large cities.


A.
decapitate


B.
deface


C.
osculate


D.
regurgitate

Answer 10

Are you asking me a question?
if so, it is B

Answer 11

thanks

Answer 12

np

Answer 13

mind helpind with 2 more

Answer 14

sure, ill help

Answer 15

Which word does not suggest hostility?


A.
confront


B.
effrontery


C.
osculate


D.
supercilious

Answer 16

D? Idk for sure though

Answer 17

k

Answer 18

Which word does not suggest a second appearance?


A.
disgorge


B.
efface


C.
recapitulation


D.
regurgitate

Answer 19

B

Answer 20

thanks

Answer 21

np

Answer 22

do u need help with enay thing else

Answer 23

nope! thanks so much!

Answer 24

np

Answer 25

later

Answer 26

see ya

Answer 27

This is pretty good! Post it on wattpad so I can follow with the progress!

Answer 28

@InExileWeTrust , I don't have a Wattpad account, but I will be posting updates on here!
I can fan you and send you messages with the updates, and you could read them there?

Answer 29

Sure!

Answer 30

Interesting story! I think it's a great start. What will happen next? Can't wait to find out! Very suspenseful so far, as everything seems ok, but there is more to come, and we know it's scary. Aaah can't wait!!

Answer 31

I look back for Toris and see that he is not there. “Toris?” I call out, hoping to hear that he just went down to the basement. “Toris! Where are you? If you're playing a joke on me, now is definitely not the time!” I say. I still don't get a response. I walk towards the staircase slowly, when I hear a slam behind me. I whip around and see that all the doors are closed........ except one. I walk towards the door, my hands and arms shaking. “T-t-toris?” I stammer. I see a white hand inside the room. My eyes get as wide as saucers. Toris doesn't have white hands. I walk towards the door still, going against my better judgment. I start to feel sick to my stomach, like I wanna throw up. “Hello?” I say. I get to the door and immediately regret coming here. I see a mannequin, which was not there before. It has it's head looking at me, and I see the damned thing blink. I scream, turn around, and run. I was completely beside myself with fear. I continue running downstairs into the basement. I run and dive behind the stack of boxes I saw earlier, sending a splash of warm water into the air. I look around and see that the front door is open. A thought suddenly hits me. This used to be the living room, not a basement. The light I saw hanging is from a broken ceiling fan. I get up and peek out from behind the boxes and see the mannequin again. My skin crawls at the sight of it. It just stands there, facing me. I don't waste any time staring, I make a dash for the door. I get outside and bolt down the street, turn right, left, then right again, and make it to my house. I run into my house and fling the front door closed behind me. I turn and lock the door. I do the same thing with the back door, side door, and every window inside the house. Only when I feel like there is no way to get inside now, do I calm down. I turn to sit on the couch in my living room, when I see my dad, brother and Toris sitting in the living room, staring at me. “What was that all about, Lex?” My dad asks me.

Answer 32

@InExileWeTrust , @horsegirl27 , the next part is finally here!

Answer 33

Hey @Keygrover , a new update to my story! could you give feedback?

Answer 34

Wow your good keep it up

Answer 35

Wow this is amazing

Answer 36

Thank you guys so much for the positive feedback! be sure to point out ANY AND ALL flaws in the story though! I would like to make this book as close to perfect as possible! Thanks!

Answer 37

There's no flaws to it it's just plain good

Answer 38

oh wow! thanks so much!

Answer 39

Your welcome

Answer 40

give me a second to read and edit

Answer 41

take your time....

Answer 42

What was your second question?

Answer 43

@Zyi6

Answer 44

Let me start off by saying that you are a good writer but even the best of writers make mistakes so i hope this helps


First off is this youre beginning? You are gonna need a stronger hook. Right now I feel like I’ve just been jammed into this story. Make me think a little and make me flow into the story.
The first sentence I corrected because it was a run on. “Hey, wait up!” I yell. My friend, Toris, and I are going to go to a really creepy abandoned house. It’s at the top of the hill near my house. Rumors flying saying it's haunted, and we can't wait to find out.
Okay so your beginning sentence you could actually make into n entire paragraph. Like give me more details! Why is it haunted? What happened there? What does it look like? What is the drive like? How do you feel…excited okay well tell me more. I want to be able to read this and visualize exactly what u see. Is the house big or small? I need more. And this is a perfect place to tell me.
You can probably take out the introduction of yourself or find a way to make it a little more settle
I like how you told me about how your mom died but you kind of left that a mystery im assuming that I will find out more about his mothers death as I read on.
When you write your being way too direct. Like instead of sayin “Hello there viewers. What you are about to see is raw footage from Lexi and Toris' exploration of The House.’ When he says the last few words he puts up his hands and wiggles his fingers towards the camera.” Try being less direct like saying this, “Hello there viewers. What you are about to see is raw footage from Lexi and Toris' exploration of The House.” I found it funny how excited we both were as I watched Toris wiggle his fingers towards the camera, as if he knew there were something to capture. It doesn’t have to be that but that was the example I had.
You can be less direct when u say I rolled my eyes at him or even make that sentence a little longer juicier
Also I would try to split this up into more than one paragraph
I feel like I don’t know enough about these characters like I have no idea what they look like
Try to use other words than I say. Like said, explain, exclaimed. Just mix it up
I like how youre describing the smell and the mold but u could even get into more detail with that. Like for me if I smell mold I get a head ache, or I feel like im gonna vomit. Give me some more.

Honestly youre a very talented writer and you know how to write but I need more fluff, I need more juice and I need more detail. Other than that it is very good. Well done

Answer 45

wow. Agree completely when I look closely

Answer 46

this is the second part

“I call out, hoping to hear that he just went down to the basement” this sentence doesn’t quite make sense. You can take out the word hear and it would be fine.
I kinda feel like its getting a bit cliché. This line, “Where are you? If you're playing a joke on me, now is definitely not the time!” I know ive heard a million other times. Say the same thing but make it different. I want to read your story and feel like I just entered a new experience.
When the door slams did you jump did u freeze? What?
“My eyes get as wide as saucers.” I love this nice simile!!!
Im also a little confused on if this is happening now or if it already happened? U change from past to present tense a lot.
The water u said before there was mold what was it like to dive in that water.
I really like how u ended it. I assume this isn’t the actual end but I still liked that.
Many of the past critics apply here as well but overall nice job way to go!

Answer 47

Very nice story! Is there any continuation to that? (I hope it does! ) ^_^ I really like it! good job @Zyi6 and be sure to follow ispike's suggestion to make it perfect.

@ispike thumbs up for your feedback. I will never notice all the necessary improvements without your helpful suggestions :)

@sylvester13 I think it is better if you post your question in a different post, so that more people will help you and give you more explanations next time (:

Answer 48

@Zyi6, I suggest, that since this post is very long now, that you make a new post, with the next part you are adding, and with the earlier parts rewritten with the suggestions. Post all 3 parts together too. Then when people read you story, they can just read it all at once, and you will have changed the first 2 parts as @ispike suggested

Answer 49

And @sylvester13, I agree with @Data_LG2. You need to make a seperate post for your questions. They count as spam in this post now. It makes it difficult to read the story and comments. So @Zyi6, that's why I think you need to make a new post, with all 3(yous aid you were doing the next part today) sections together, with the first 2 changed as suggested

Answer 50

Yeah I basically said the same thing twice :P

Answer 51

I agree, will do

Answer 52

cool!

Answer 53

Hey you should post this horror story on a website called wattpad. This is a good horror story.

Answer 54

You said u would do the 3rd part today when will u post it?

Answer 55

True, it just needs some polishing. Other than that, it's a good start to your story. :)

Answer 56

you are super good but, what about your friend, would you leave him or go back to get him? i think you should explain your thoughts a little more so the audience knows more about your character. get what i am saying?