Question

oKAY READ THIS ITS MY ROUGH DRAFT PLEASE HANG ON ILL POST IT

Answer 1

HONK! A car wailed as Lana slide accidentally in the other lane. “Watch out! You’re going to get the police called on us…” I said. She thought to herself that it wasn’t her fault… don’t they ever check THEIR makeup in the mirror? Everyone needs to. Looks are everything. She was on her way to her three o’clock scheduled hair appointment. Split ends aren’t her friend and she needed a new color as well, I mean with her new identity change she didn’t want the police catching her. I rolled my eyes even thinking about it. If you are lost by now, (which I’m sure you are) I will begin to explain Lana’s self-obsession and why we are running from the police… It all started when she was just ten and starting fifth grade. Her real name is Elizabeth (after the English queen of course,) she didn’t care for it sounded too snobby and that she had to live up to it being all lady-like kind of like the queen. She had always thought of her life as a work of art and that nothing held her back, that she was free. She had always been poetic and too smart for her age. She wanted to be unique and not like everyone else so that’s just what little ten year old Lana did. Her first day of school she walked right in grabbed her already written nametag that had “Elizabeth” in pretty cursive letters, and rushed to the teacher and said in a matter-of-fact tone that her name was “Lana” and “did she not learn to ask kids before she wrote their nametags? You could cause more problems with parents in the future just be glad I came to you first.” The teacher then changed her name (kind of reluctantly, I might add) to Lana. She acted the same through middle school, head cheerleader, track star, etc. Starting to care about her looks more and more the older she got. Remember how she said she wanted her life to be a work of art? Art is beautiful and looks the same throughout its life. So why was she starting to look less beautiful and older? She grew up with this mindset. When she hit high school her parents sent her to the most elite boarding school in the country. She got wasted every night, went to parties, did drugs etc. She noticed one day as she woke up with one of her daily hangovers she looked in the mirror and started thinking how she’s ruining her life. She’s ruining her looks. Her life was no longer a work of art, but rather a piece of torn cardboard. She wasn’t beautiful. She was ugly. Her WORST nightmare. From then on Lana left behind her partying days and excelled in school. She had scandalous relationships with older men, including teachers, which in return she graduated at the top of all her classes. Her life was turning around. She was offered a modeling job in New York, and gladly took it. The only problem she had now was LOVE. What’s so hard about that? Wouldn’t you think it’d be easy for hot smart model to get a boyfriend? Yeah well it wasn’t. She started drifting back to her bad days. She slept around with older men in the industry to get higher paid jobs and to be promoted. Suddenly a crazy idea popped into her head…. If she can’t find love why not become rich and drown her sorrows with money? This is how it all started. One of her victims was an older man about 65 he was mildly attractive for his age he had a house in 10 major states across the country and owned a private island. She got married to him, begged him to not make her sign a pre-up which with enough begging and ‘special’ favors he didn’t force her to, and then they lived in his million dollar apartment in New York City. She would make him breakfast every morning before both of them headed off to work, (his work included a golf course and lunch at the country club,) but one morning he noticed his coffee tasted different. He just ignored it thinking she accidentally added extra creamer, but what he didn’t know was that she put rat poisoning into his coffee causing him to drop dead from ‘natural causes’ while sitting at the lunch table at the country club. I could have just told you about how she killed older men for their money to make this shorter, but this case was the most interesting one because she stayed with this man and she wasn’t even brought to court for him, the judge ruled that he died from ‘natural causes.’ Seems a bit eerie to me. Now you’re thinking wow! Why is the narrator writing it all down for everyone to just read? He is just asking to get arrested! Here is the thing about that: Last year she noticed me walking outside, I work down the street and I pass by her modeling agency every day to the restaurant right beside of it. She noticed how expensive my suit was and my Rolex watch and asked me to take her out instantly. I said yes wanting to get closer to her knowing that it would help me with my investigation. She told me her life story late one night when we were sitting on my yacht in the ocean, she told me I was the first man she ever truly loved. I am married to her right now and I have known her for a long time actually, but I am sad to inform you she is planning on killing me today. Well she at least thinks that. I am a detective I work for the FBI and have been tracking down big cases like this, we have been suspicious of her for a while. I have investigated her case for ten years. I put cameras everywhere she goes I know her schedule, her real name, and everything. I know her weaknesses and her strengths. I know that she was brought into the office to get interrogated and questioned about every man she has EVER been married to and why they are all deceased. I have to also want to say this…. We are both in the car at this very moment together. I snuck her out. I couldn’t take it. She might be a psychopath but she loves me. I love her. So cops, FBI, the government, now that you’ve read this… come catch me. Trace this IP address if you want. We won’t be here by the time you guys get here. We are on a murdering spree. You might be next… who knows.

Answer 2

this is the detective if youre a picture it type of person

Answer 3

this is lana.

Answer 4

Hey, @sorryimkiwi ,
\(\tt\color{blue}{Welcome~to~OpenStudy!}\)

Great story! Keep writing it.

Answer 5

It's perfect I like it so much that if u made a book I would totally read it. I felt like it came to life. Keep up the good work

Answer 6

Very nice!! :)

Answer 7

Thank You Guys I appreciate it so much (:

Answer 8

Learning that the narrator was a detective was an unexpected twist...as with the ending of the excerpt. You were able to catch my attention right at the beginning. Keep it up! :)

Answer 9

That is SO KIND Thank You !

Answer 10

thats good.

Answer 11

i felt like i was watching an movie.nice

Answer 12

Okay so the first thing I’m going to stress is paragraphs! You have to break this up.
I’m a little confused on who she is? Is it Lana and if so are you a mind reader or something? Since the main character is the narrator then they cant really know what other people are thinking. You would have to say things like “I could tell” or “she looked like”
I find it very interesting how u call the men her victims. I like that a lot.
There are some grammar errors.
And honestly I feel like youre only giving yourself enough room to write a short story. I feel like you should have started with the detective thing.
Also I still don’t understand the point of that first part. I didn’t like it until you started to explain things. But once I understood I liked it a lot.
Also you can take more time on each topic make an entire page about her parting and what being art means to her. I want to know more about that stuff.

Youre obviously an incredible writer but I found this more of a lay out sort of thing. I often find I get really excited about writing things and then I don’t take my time on it. So I go through it once really fast to get that out of my system and use it as a lay out. Then I take each point and go into detail with them. Overall its an incredible story and you’re an amazing writer! Well done. Please keep pursuing

I hope this helps! Any questions or help with anything please let me know or tag me or whatever i would be more then happy to help!!!

Answer 13

@sorryimkiwi