Question

Criticism? It would mean a lot. Will award metals(:

Answer 1

Her milky skin shone in the pale moonlight, dark hair cascaded down her narrow shoulders and brushed her lower back. A red overbust corset defined her already striking body, the body that deliciously jiggled when she walked. It was a saturday night, but she fought against the sidewalk crowd; heading toward the doubles and houses, while everyone else flocked away to the bars. She crinkled her nose every time someone brushed into her, as if the skin on skin contact disturbed her.
The lively streets of downtown New York didn't seem to be an ideal place for such a caliginous woman. Her body language expressed a yearning for concealment and solitude, not neon street lights and concourses of people. She drew slow hard glares from the passersbys, and took haste to return them with just as much venom.
I watch her disappear into the throng and sigh, If only I could teem with the company of a woman like that.
My eyes wander as I do, away from the gaggle into a back alley, and are again caught by a fit young woman,this one clad in skimpy dress. Shes walking alone, and under closer examination seems to be in great health; albeit the stench of alcohol coating her is gagging me from a mile away. She will do fine, however.
My pace quickens and soon i'm beside her.
‘Fine evening it is.’

She jumps and loses her footing, grabbing the rim of a nearby dumpster to keep from falling. Her voice is soft and her speech is slurred, a hint of a southern accent trails her reply;

‘I s’pose so.’

She struggles to walk a bit faster, though her drunkenness prevents it. It must have dawned on her that she is not in a very good situation for small talk. I can almost see the headlines shes envisioning; [ ‘College girl found slain in alley.’ ]
I grab her arm and she struggles to twist away.
Her fear smells heavenly, I drink it in deeply.

‘I got pepper spray in my purse and i will use it! Ought to be fearful of me, boy, I know ju-jitsu! You’ll regret ehh-vurr messin with me!’ Her voice steadies and she sneers in an attempt to seem fearless.

The hollow feeling in my stomach screams over her words. The longing for a meal bleeds into my brain and clouds over my eyes. I can feel her pulse racing in her wrist, i can smell the sweat running down her back.
‘On the contrary, Miss; you are the one who i’d suggest be fearful, you never know who could be out prowling this time of night. A fine lady like you might be snatched up easily without a sound.’

She throws a punch with her free arm, but isn't quick enough, I catch it and hold it over my still heart.

‘Can you feel a beat, miss? I haven't felt it in a while.’

She shakes her head so quickly i’d think she’d receive whiplash.

‘But do you feel this beat?’ I move her fist over her own chest. She nods and tears begin to well in her eyes.

‘I can't feel it in my chest miss...’

‘S-sarah..’ she squeaks.

‘Miss Sarah, i’d love to feel a heartbeat once more.’

Her tears run freely down her cheeks now and i wipe them away, smiling as my freshly elongated nails slice into her cheek.

‘Might I?’

She shakes her head quickly but I pay no heed. I push her against the wall and shove my hand into her chest, wiry vessels tangle my wrist and hot sticky blood drains around my arm. I pull out her heart and chaw into it. Sweet succulent blood flows down my throat and chunks of flesh swirl in my mouth.

Answer 2

OMG! the last part! xD
Data likes it!

-use of descriptive words, good
-use of vocabulary words, very strong
-suspense, excellent!
-theme, cooloid :P

There are some minor grammatical errors, but it is not too obvious, so thumbs up for that ^_^ all in all good job! what's the title of your story? are there any continuation? if so be sure to tag me or send me the link because I love it <3

Answer 3

I just finished that a few hours ago, but yes there'll be more eventually, ill link you when i get some more up. I was thinking of 'Thicker than blood' or something along those lines for the title. Thank you for reading it (: