Question

PLZ im writing a book if someone can read it and tell me what u think i'd like that! Plz! http://www.wattpad.com/story/33514302-the-lost-kingdom

Answer 1

Anyone???

Answer 2

ok, so I can't get through much more than the first few sentences, I'm distracted and the grammar isn't the best, I've read worse but like I said, I'm distracted. I'll try again when I'm not distracted but for now do you have any friends who would be willing to proofread and stuff? it's great for making sure you have good flowing ideas and good grammar and sentence structure. Although you don't seem too bad you could still get better with practice. I did read the summary as well and it seemed like a good idea that you have. I will try to finish reading it tonight if not sometime this week and give you a more complete response on your overall product. Don't feel bad about bad descriptions or sentence structure or grammar though, I had a friend whose ...well everything but the idea was pretty bad and shes a decent writer now. It just takes practice, time and patience

Answer 3

ok thx

Answer 4

hi new_me

Answer 5

welkstome :D

Answer 6

she has the link in the question @ispike

Answer 7

oh wow i feel dumb lol

Answer 8

@safire21 okay so im gonna read the first chapter and edit it for you. Tell you what i think. I'm not editing anymore just because it's to long

Answer 9

ok thx @ispike

Answer 10

Okay so if I’ve already heard of you then I should know what you look like. Obviously the reader doesn’t know what the character looks like but by your opening sentence we should. So that means either take away the first sentence and change it into a different intro or work out appearance in a different way. So like instead of saying “I have black hair.” Try saying something like “As I walked through the ally my hair blended in with the night sky.” Now I know that’s prob not how youre going to say it put theres an example. Honestly even if you change your beginning sentence you should still change how you introduce your characters appearance. Reason being is that your just listing and you never want to listen. Take your time.
I would also try coming up with a better hook. This hook doesn’t really draw me in.
Also when babies are born there eyes are blue and they soon change to your current color so when you were born your dad couldn’t have known you eye color.
Don’t start with a conjunction unless you have to. You start with because. Either make that part of the last sentence and put in a comma or change the word to like since or something.
I think it would be cool if you put quotation marks around Sarah because then that would emphasize the sarcasm.
Change he to my dad or something like that. Your introducing a lot of characters so try and use names.
I feel like your too busy introducing everyone. I have no idea what this story is about and quite frankly im starting to get bored. Start telling me interesting things like whats going on now. Introduce your characters when they are brought up. So when you say “I’m hanging out with Jade” or whatever that’s when you tell me who jade is.
You have a few runnons and awkward sentencing.
Where is here?
Okay towards the end just slow it down I feel like you’ve taken so much time to get to this point that now youre rushing
The entire letter thing seems really cliché. Put your own little flare into it!
Also the letter just confused me. Like I have no idea whats going on.
Also you switch a lot between present and past tense. Pick one
Okay so I obviously had a lot to say and you have a lot of edits to make, but that’s okay because that’s just the way writing is. You keep editing and editing and editing. So don’t think that this means youre a bad writer. Because youre actual quite good. This is a great starting point. Just keep working on it and I can see your story turning from goodto amazing!

Answer 11

THX SO MUCH @ispike!!!!!!

Answer 12

i hope that helps and its no problem. When you edit the first chapter tag me. I'm on wattpad as well my user is Noting Society

Answer 13

ok i will thx

Answer 14

I will try! I have tried to write a few myself! (Not To Publish) :b

Answer 15

I like it, but there are a few grammar problems and the chapters need to all be like the first, no small ones!