Question

hi can I please get some feedback on a song a just wrote? It would mean a lot

Answer 1

This is the song hope you like it :)

Answer 2

I'm gonna watch the clouds,
Until the sky is no longer blue.
Until my body can feel you,
And my ears can hear you,
But my eyes can't see you.

Chorus:
My whole life has revolved around your games,
But the games you play aren't worth the pain.
So take my heart and dignity,
All my strength and innocence,
Until they give the the pity,
I deserve.
You know you've got all the nerve,
To take everything I have,
But you can't take away,
How I love you.

I'm gonna watch my faith dissolve in the sky,
The faith I had that you could change your ways,
But your not gonna change.
And still I wish I could feel you,
I wish my ears could hear you,
Even though my eyes can't see you.

Repeat Chorus

So baby you can drive me crazy,
You can take all my comfort and joy.
Oh baby can let me drive you crazy,
Let me love you the way you don't know how to.
I will be all your own.

Repeat chorus (2x)

Answer 3

As a poet, not a songwriter, here are my thoughts:

There is an uneven number of lines between verses one and two. You might want to fix that.
Also, if it was me, I wouldn't rely on "you" as my only rhyme because it gets really repetitive. But, that's just me.

On the other hand, I love the picture you painted with the first two lines "I'm gonna watch the clouds/Until the sky is no longer blue." I really liked that :)

Answer 4

I thought that it was a rather catchy song (even though I don't know the tempo and instruments that you intend for it). I really like the lyrics, but just one question...did you intend to repeat "the" in "the pity I deserve"? I noticed that there were two "the"'s in that line. It confused me a little.

All in all, I think that you did great! (^_^)

Answer 5

I think it's great! This is coming from a person who listens to Adam Lambert, The Beatles, Johnny Cash, Queen, P!nk, Soundtracks, Electronic, and Miranda Lambert, so I have quite the music experience. I think the emotion sounded real, which is something I look for in music. The way you described the emotion in a way I had never heard before, "And my ears can hear you,
But my eyes can't see you." I would definitely listen to this song.

Answer 6

i love this and i would sing it for you.

Answer 7

Hi guys thanks for all your feedback! @lewismoore313 thank you so much that means a lot. @HufflepuffKlaine thank you!!! I'm glad you liked it :). Your username is awesome btw haha i love it. @Seira-kun thank you so much! And thanks for pointing out the "you"s I didn't notice it before. The line is supposed to be "give me the pity I deserve". And thanks @geneticrockhopper247 your criticism helped me a lot. I actually used a lot of other words for rhymes other than "you" but I guess a lot of them were less noticeable since some were slant-rhymes.