Question

Please critique this poem! I want real feedback please. What can I fix? is it good? how does it make you feel?

Answer 1

If, Then
I see you, intricate, soft joy, laughter
in your gaze, though thorns adorn your next breath.
You see only marrings, you their crafter
unsure of your place in this dance with death.
I have watched you, struggling to endure strong;
Surreal pressure from around and within.
You have forgotten now how you belong
If this darkness chose you, or you this sin
Single black rose thrown, placed, into fire
After opening yourself to the world.
Now, bright, blooming slowly in your new hour
The same rose -- reborn -- stolen to be hurled
Then we quietly draw near ones we killed
and wondered how their new hearts were then stilled.

Answer 2

@myininaya :)

Answer 3

@Nnesha

Answer 4

@Luigi0210 @ash2326 @sammixboo

Answer 5

Also I want to change the entire first sentence xD
Rules of a sonnet: Iambic, 14 lines, abab cdcd efef gg rhyme, 10 syllables per line

Answer 6

Honestly im more a free writer so i cant tell you much about rules and what not but i can tell you that i loved this. It made me have to think and i felt like it was older sounding which i loved. I have no critics because this was amazing

Answer 7

Thanks so much @ispike !! :)

Answer 8

I changed it quite a bit from this posting, if you're interested in seeing the final version. :)