Question

a few "poems" - feedback would be appreciated

Answer 1

my favorite colour
is a deep, dark, rich blue because it reminds me
of a storm coming upon the ocean
or the way you’d look at me
when I said something you didn’t like
and I knew what would come next

my favorite sound just might be
your laughter, followed by an echo
because it helps me recall
that night you were nothing but nice
and I revelled in it, soaking it up
like a child in the warm summer sunshine

your leather jacket was another favorite
the way you’d sling it over your shoulder
and stand at my front door with your hand in your pocket
and your mouth curved into that devilishly handsome smirk
those things that so clearly spelled out trouble

and we both know I could never resist trouble
especially when it came in the form
of secret laughs shared in dark rooms
and kisses on my cheek while we fell asleep in beds we didn’t own
and the sun peeking through the next morning
shedding light on the horrible mistake I’d made
and the horrible mistake I’d make again the next night

because that trouble you promised?
I was addicted to it
to its aftermath
and to the thrill it would continue to give me
until it ended up killing me

----------------------

you might be the biggest mistake I’ve ever made
but I can’t help but remember the way you used to smile
and somehow stop my train of thought
and stop all those words I should’ve said earlier
from leaving my mouth

I always said I wouldn’t want to remember you
but the memory of how it felt
when your fingers would brush my bare skin
is burned into the back of my mind

and no matter what I try to do to clean you off
your imprint is still there
almost like I can still feel your fingerprints
on my forehead as you tucked hair behind my ears
in that ever so gentle touch that I fell for every damn time

I can still hear the slight tremor in your voice
from that night we spent in that hotel room
I can hear the whisper of my name
strung along after the plea for me to come back to bed

somehow, all of these things now
seem more vibrant than they used to

maybe it’s because we spent last Christmas together
curled up on your couch, exchanging secret gifts
ones I’d hide when I came home that night
and my family asked where I’d gotten that necklace
and why I suddenly owned a sweatshirt from my dream school

maybe it’s because all I have to look forward to this Christmas
is the memories of your ghost
your shining smile in crackling firelight
the way your lips felt on my neck
and all the kind things you told me that turned out to be lies

-----------------------------

getting you out of head
is almost like trying to remove
a year old stain

you and I, we’re not that far in the past
it wasn’t too long ago that I could’ve loved you
it wasn’t too long ago that I thought i knew you

to you, it might seem like days are dragging on
but for me, it couldn’t move faster
I want time to fly, i want you to be as far back as possible
I don’t want to remember you
or all those lies we both told each other

but above all else, above all the things I want
I want you gone
I want you to stop trying to find me
I want you to just forget
I want myself erased from your mind
because as long as you keep finding me,
I can keep hurting you
and haven’t I done that enough already?

-----------------------------

in my years on earth
i’ve come to recognize the various poisons
that you can pour into a glass
and down your throat
and let seep into your brain

you and the love we had shared
were the human toxicity equivalent
of whiskey

your kiss was an addiction
and it tasted like fire
but i couldn’t stop
no matter how hard i tried

the memories of the things we’d share
burned all the way down back then
and, even now, they maintain a dull glaring burn
that i feel in the back of my head

the way you’d stare at me in a group of friends
and the way you’d smirk if i caught you
those were the pieces of you that screwed up my mind
and made me forget even the most important things

i know i must’ve been high on some of you
on those nights i let you convince me
to do some of the Devil’s work with you
and on those nights when your smile
was tinged with some sort of elated sadness
that i couldn’t escape

you were the drug, the poison
the one thing that lingers in my veins
and the one thing i can still feel after all this time

Answer 2

I love them! :P

Answer 3

that is very good it could use capital letters

Answer 4

haha, thanks. it's something about when I'm writing stuff like that where I don't use capital letters. I could go more philosophical about it and how it speaks to my feelings about the situations, but thanks.

Answer 5

Haha no problem. xP Its truly great though. :P

Answer 6

Capital letters and maybe some punctuation has to be revised but it's absolutely great. 😊

Answer 7

It sure is ^.^

Answer 8

this is so good i want more :D XD

Answer 9

Lots of people talking about punctuation here... the same punctuation rules in writing don't always apply to poetry, but I see what you mean. You did a really good job on them btw. Puts my poems to shame XD

Answer 10

I love It!

Answer 11

i love the non use of punctuation it is free writing. i love that its exactly from her mind to paper or screen.. very talented. Writing is art so, it never has to be perfect when you are creating and free writing.

Answer 12

wow!

Answer 13

OMG!! you are amazing i cant wait to read more XD

Answer 14

Nice poems they are cool

Answer 15

These are haunting in a captivating sort of way.
The emotions come straight across.
Straight from the heart.

I can't help but notice that the third poem is a bit different from the other two.
Mainly from this passage:
"but above all else, above all the things
I want I want you gone
I want you to stop trying to find me
I want you to just forget
I want myself erased from your mind
because as long as you keep finding me,
I can keep hurting you
and haven’t I done that enough already?"

In the other three, it appears you are haunted by the past experiences, but are not really moving on from it, because you still hold the good times close. In the third poem, it seems like you're trying to run away from the past experiences associated with it because you don't want to hurt the person involved.

Maybe I just think too much.

Answer 16

Well, that one is about a completely different person. The others are further in the past, this one is a newer ended relationship, one I ended myself with no explanation. I didn't want to hurt him in the way I did, but at least he can heal if he stays away from me. His problem is that he can't stay away from me so he's going to keep getting hurt. And I don't want that to happen.

Answer 17

Ah, I see.

You know, he might not be able to heal until he gets closure. And I think most people need to know what happened to get closure. So perhaps he might need an explanation before he goes on. Maybe it will hurt him. I'm sensing it probably might. The truth may hurt, but at least then he can heal.

However, by being kept in the dark, he may search for something that isn't there for a long time. And when he finally realizes he's pursuing something he can't obtain, that would probably be even more painful than the truth.

Answer 18

Wow, you write with great imagery and definition of whats going on in your poetry. I'm in love with every single one of these!
There are poems that have no rhythm and they can sometimes sound really odd and silly and even out of place. But yours for the most part has no rhymes to it and it flows beautifully in a mesmerizing story manner!

Answer 19

Thank you so much! I'm so happy to have people connect my "poetry" with the word mesmerizing - that's one of my favorite words to describe writing, people, scenes, or life with :-)

Answer 20

Mesmerizing means dreamy and amazing and dreamy leads to thousands of other poetic words that I love. Thats what I call like minded thinking. :) Your welcome