Question

Can I get some strict feedback on a piece of mine? I'm trying to make it the best I can.

Answer 1

I can’t beat these instincts
So many things I’ve lost
In this literal hell
Can someone help me through this scuffle
I can’t manage myself

So what if you see the wildest side of me?
Don’t hope that you can alter this devil, so long subdued
Please persuade me, it’s an illusion
Can somebody help me tame this demon
(This devil, this devil)

Can’t beat this devil
So many times I’ve tried
It is out of control
Can someone help me through this scuffle
I can’t manage myself

So what if you can see the wildest side of me?
Don’t hope that you can alter this devil, so long subdued
Please persuade me, it’s an illusion
Can somebody help me tame the devil I released
Please persuade me, it’s an illusion
Can somebody help me tame this demon

Can someone get me through this scuffle
I can’t manage myself
Can someone throw me through this scuffle
I can’t beat these instincts

So what if you can see the wildest side of me?
Don’t hope that you can alter this devil, so long subdued
Please persuade me, it’s an illusion
Can somebody help me tame the devil I released
Please persuade me, it’s an illusion
Can somebody help me tame this demon

The devil I released

Answer 2

I love this. Is this a song?

Answer 3

Or, just a poem.

Answer 4

@gabbyalicorn Do you think it can be a song?

Answer 5

I would think it could be a song. Because it repeats itself. Reminded me of a chorus or something.

Answer 6

Cool. Then this is the first song I've written

Answer 7

Lol, nice. I would also think this is something people can relate to. At least for me.

Answer 8

Most of my poems do that. I usually listen to music when I write them, that might be why they are relatable.

Answer 9

Hmm, interesting thing that you said. The song/poem reminds me of the weekend(abel Tesfaye) because he writes dark but truthful songs. (The ones on the radio are meh but if you listen to his mixtape and albums its really deep like the song you wrote).

Answer 10

Other than his song I Can't feel my Face. I haven't heard much of his music. To be honest I was listening to We Don't Have to Dance by Andy Black as I wrote this

Answer 11

Ah, I see. I can relate. I am an artist an I love to draw and listen to music. It gives me creative ideas and inspiration. We have that in common. ;)

Answer 12

Same here. Drawing is most of my life lol

Answer 13

Lol. Do you have a peeranswer account?

Answer 14

I don't. It is blocked by my school

Answer 15

Wait, your on your school computer rn?

Answer 16

Yeah

Answer 17

Oh. Well the reason i asked was because I made an art group there. No one has joined yet but its for any kind of art (photography, music, drawing and etc). Maybe at home you could join. I could give you the link if you're interested later. Or pm it to you.

Answer 18

Could you send the link to my gmail?

Answer 19

Sure thing.

Answer 20

Okay. I'll pm you it

Answer 21

mk ty

Answer 22

np

Answer 23

its amazing thats what it is

Answer 24

Thank you. Can you notice anything that can be done to it to make it better?

Answer 25

no its perfect and i can see that you listened to andy biersacks new song

Answer 26

Thanks. His new song is my new favourite song

Answer 27

The words literal and scuffle seem a little out of place but otherwise its good.

Answer 28

mine too @4everaddicted2anime

Answer 29

@theriverspirit Would it sound better if I replaced scuffle with struggle?

Answer 30

Let me look up some synonyms for other actions but yeah that would make it flow better.

Answer 31

what is the name of this song/poem?

Answer 32

*synonyms for struggle but yeah

Answer 33

The name is The Devil I Released

Answer 34

I think struggle will work best. What do you mean by "throw me through this scuffle" I don't quite understand that line.

Answer 35

I said that to mean 'get me out of this situation'

Answer 36

I see
Maybe try saying that because it sounds weird if you don't.

Answer 37

So instead of saying "throw me through this scuffle" could I say 'save me from this problem'?

Answer 38

No, thats to far off of the stanza pattern. Try replacing the word "throw" or/and "scuffle/struggle" in the line.

Answer 39

For scuffle/struggle could I use 'hurdle'

Answer 40

I guess but throw still seems a little out of place there.

Answer 41

So then for "throw" does 'guide' sound better?

Answer 42

Whats the genre your going for because guide could seem to gentle.

Answer 43

I haven't decided yet. Maybe rock

Answer 44

Okay so for "throw" what about 'hurl'?

Answer 45

Hurl can't be used in the same sentence as hurdle.

Answer 46

heave?

Answer 47

What about help+struggle

Answer 48

Okay. And for the replacement for "literal" what about 'bittersweet'?

Answer 49

nice yeah

Answer 50

Okay. Was there anything else that needed to be fixed that you noticed?

Answer 51

Nope it all looked good otherwise.

Answer 52

Okay. Thank you so much for your help

Answer 53

Not a problem have a good day

Answer 54

I will. And you too