Question

Can I get some feedback on a story I am working on?

Answer 1

Darkness engulfed the most effervescent town in the area. The person responsible for this stood atop the highest block of brick, looking at the sun in disgust. His hair glimmered with kisses from the sun. That petitely slender build of foreign flesh made him stand out in every crowd. Without giving a thought to who might see him, he waved goodbye to the sun.
“Bye bye Mr. Sun.” A large, almost animal-like, smile slipped across his lips as he witnessed the sun being devoured. Some say he’s insane. Although, he claims to be having a little fun. With the grace of a cat, he jumped from the skyscraper, landing feet first. His feet connected with the ground as if he were landing from a satisfying flight. A ginger girl around 15 watched in awe as she made her way home. How can he jump off of a 50 foot building and survive? She thought to herself. As she walked home the guy’s actions began to scratch at her mind. He seemed to be waiting at the top of the building, for the sun to be cast away by darkness. After the sun had disappeared, he had lept from the building with an other-worldly smile. When she entered her house, her two siblings left with empty eyes. Nothing. Their eyes had no life! The young girl tapped on her siblings shoulders and got shunned. Her siblings kept walking. They had ignored her. She ran to her parents and received their terrified attention.
“What is going on?” Her parents didn’t say a word. Even they didn’t know what was happening. All they could do was open the blinds to show her. Children under the age of 10 were leaving their homes to go into the forest. She was frantic. Why the little ones, she pondered for a minute. Staying home wasn’t possible. Ignoring the situation was impossible. She decided to follow her siblings.
“Please, Bridget, be careful.” Bridget’s mother pleaded. With that Bridget left the house and slyly followed her siblings into the forest. Next to the forest laid a cemetery with an unnerving aura surrounding it. She hid there. An opening at the entrance to the forest revealed the guy that jumped off of that tall building. He wore normal clothing: a shirt, distressed jeans, and a pair of black converse.
A lullaby began to be sung by the children.The lullaby was in a language foreign to Bridget. She became drowsy. Her eyelids heavy with the sound of the song. She grabbed onto the gravestone in front of her, blocking that petite guy’s view of her. With the glance of his eyes, Bridget drifted off into dreamland. She felt the dreamlike grass holding her in mid air. When she opened her eyes she could see the guy that jumped from the building looking down on her. Bridget quickly got away from him.
“Your dreams are intriguing little miss.” A smile grew across his face. He seemed sweet, while at the same time bitter. His alluring, glass orbs glowed a chocolate brown. Bridget felt she could melt away in his dark, seductive, eyes. Fire whirled around her, swallowing everything in sight. The guy was floating in the air. His smirk grew.
“Please help me.” He started laughing at how she begged for his assistance. The fire started to take away all oxygen. Bridget began gasping for air. This guy seemed to be unaffected by the blazing fire. He sighed as he gracefully lifted her from the out-of-control fire. As he looked down at Bridget his gaze softened.
“What is your name?” Bridget asked in the softest voice she could manage.
“Takehiko.” With his name being said, Bridget’s make-believe world vanished. Bridget woke up in her bed, with the covers over her body, not including her head. As she looked around her room for any signs of danger, she noticed that her window was open. That window is never open. In front of her bed laid a dresser with a Tv hung above it, to the left of the room was the bedroom door, to the right of the room was the window, and in between the tv and window was Bridget’s closest. She slowly got off of her bed and began walking to her door. The floor creaked with every step. Other than the creaking, the house was silent. Bridget constantly looked around herself as she looked around her house for anyone. Someone to talk to. She needed to tell someone about her dream. Even after searching the house from top to bottom, she still couldn’t find anyone. All Bridget found were children’s balls. Exhausted from continuously searching for her family, she threw herself onto the couch located in the living room. Where could they possibly be? Maybe they are outside, Bridget thought. Without watching exactly where she was going, she walked outside. To her surprise, she was standing in front of the back door. What is going on! Bridget voiced her thoughts. Suddenly a shadow could be seen through the window next to the front door.

Answer 2

I actually love it!!! lol That is some awesome writing! you got to keep at it.

Answer 3

As she walked home the guy’s actions began to scratch at her mind. i would change it to As she walked home the guy's actions started nagging at her.

Answer 4

thx

Answer 5

Awosome story tho

Answer 6

There are some small grammar errors but other than that it's awesome and mind blowing.

Answer 7

Yeah, I sorta typed this fast

Answer 8

this is a good story.do you need help editing.

Answer 9

Nice work @4everaddicted2anime

Answer 10

Gweat!

Answer 11

"His hair glimmered with kisses from the sun. That petitely slender build of foreign flesh made him stand out in every crowd."

The I don't why, but "glimmered" doesn't strike me as the right word; "shined" is probably something you wanted to avoid, because of over-usage, right? Maybe it's personal preference that makes it off-sounding for me. The real kicker is the second sentence--the word "that" doesn't seem to fit, likely because you hadn't referred to his general build before, and I recommend replacing it with "His" or "Complementing his shimmering hair," though I'm more concerned with "petitely slender build of foreign flesh". The latter part of that isn't very troubling, maybe just awkward to read aloud, but "petitely slender" might be better off as "petite, slender". Flows a little better that way, I think, and it also makes the tone a little more...consistently "sultry", so to speak. If that's not what you're going for, then I apologize.

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"...he waved goodbye to the sun." “Bye bye Mr. Sun.”

With the use of "Bye bye..." in the next line, a different word should probably be used for the first sentence, so as to give a little more variety to the text. Perhaps, "...he waved farewell to the Sun/sun (your choice on the capitalization, or lack thereof; it isn't really an issue, as plenty of people use either spelling.)" As for the "Bye bye..." itself, Commas are your friends. The line, when spoken, typically has pauses. Unless you're going for a character that talks without pauses, it should be something to the effect of, "Bye, bye, Mr. Sun."

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"A large, almost animal-like, smile slipped across his lips as he witnessed the sun being devoured." This is mostly fine, honestly, but it's probably flow better as, "A large--almost animal-like--smile slipped across his lips as he witnessed the sun being devoured." If you don't want to use it because of the way the Em Dashes (if you're using a version of Word, those two Dashes/Hyphens should become a singular line that is longer than the singular Dash/Hyphen and En Dash) and...either the Hyphen or the En Dash (I'm not exactly sure) match up, that's understandable.

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"A ginger girl around 15 watched in awe as she made her way home." "A ginger girl..." sounds kind of awkward--replacing it with something akin to, "A ginger-haired girl..." or "A girl with ginger hair..." sounds less like you're calling her that in a way like, "A brown girl..." or "A red girl", both due to the odd, almost negative connotations, as well as clearly stating that her hair is ginger, not her eyes, skin, or entire being, as I believe you're going for.

To be continued!

Answer 12

Ugh, I keep overestimating the space I've been given for the line breaks.

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"She thought to herself. As she walked home the guy’s actions began to scratch at her mind." These two are essentially just the split parts of one sentence--replace the period with a Comma, place "and" before the "As", and turn "As" into "as". You should place a Comma after "home", too, and add an adjective before "guy". Something like this, but with just one adjective, be it one of the examples or something else: "How can he jump off of a 50 foot building and survive? She thought to herself, and as she walked home, the mysterious/bizarre/strange/perplexing/superhuman/unknown guy’s actions began to scratch at her mind."

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"He seemed to be waiting at the top of the building, for the sun to be cast away by darkness. After the sun had disappeared, he had lept from the building with an other-worldly smile." This is actually a case in which adding a Comma is not only unnecessary but also somewhat detrimental. You can say that sentence without a pause, and it'd be fine, so you can cast the Comma away. As for the second sentence, "lept" should be "leapt", or alternatively, "leaped". I'm guessing that this is more of a typo, if anything.

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"The young girl tapped on her siblings shoulders and got shunned." "She was frantic. Why the little ones, she pondered for a minute. Staying home wasn’t possible. Ignoring the situation was impossible. She decided to follow her siblings." After the "s" of "siblings", there should be an Apostrophe, like so: "...her siblings' shoulders..." See the second set of quotes? Might be better off as, "She was frantic, pondering, 'why the little ones?' (with or without the Single Quote Marks)" or "She was frantic; why the little ones? She pondered for a minute--staying home wouldn't help, and ignoring the situation was impossible. She decided to follow her siblings." Note that "possible" was changed to allow for variety.

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I'll get back to you on the rest tomorrow.