Question

Hey guys! So I’ve been trying to write more poems about my personal and inner thoughts and this poem, if you’d even call it that is the result of that. I know, I know it has a million mistakes and horrible “rhyming”. Which the rhyming doesn’t concern me because I usually prefer free-form but I thought I’d try to use a rhyme scheme for this one, and as you can see I probably screwed that up but eh. Anyhoo, I hope you enjoy my inner thoughts XD

Answer 1

What do I do? What do I say?
How should act when I talk to you? You ask, Are you fine, are you okay?
I answer the question, but you know that I’m lying
You ask me Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong. I dont want to answer, I want to try and be strong.
Everytime I see your name or see your messages it kills me inside. I can’t take it, it reminds me of what I’ve done and what I can’t change. All I want to do is hide.
Why don’t you talk to me I wonder as I stare at your name and ponder.
Did I do something? Was it something I said? The love we had, is it dead?
Where did you go? Why did you leave? Please come back, I need you here with me.
My friends tell me I’m wasting my time wondering why you aren’t here. You saying no longer love me is what I fear.
You telling me you love me is all I want to hear.
I make a big deal about your silence. It really hurts when your quiet.
She tells me Wait until they’re ready. How can I when I feel like everything we have isnt going steady.
I need someone to be there for me, someone to share my feelings with, and someone to care, but I can’t seem to bring myself to say anything to you.
What do I do? What do I say? Please just say something, I can’t keep living this way.

Answer 2

@Atsie @bunnielover948 @tootzrll

Answer 3

*-* Wonderful work, Gracie <3

Answer 4

Thank you!

Answer 5

This is great and the way you did the rhyme scheme is perfectly fine :D Also, I think I know what that poem is ;) heheheh. You are the best pinky in the world :P

Answer 6

Thank you lil one! Oh do ya now? Heheh. And Awwwwwwwwww thank you bunnie! You da best bunnie in da world <3

Answer 7

XD You're welcome. And yep I do heheheh. Thank you! <3 <3 <3

Answer 8

PM me what you think its about...I want to hear your opinion

Answer 9

its really good ^.^

Answer 10

Thank chu!

Answer 11

@Pinkybottom67
I'm gonna be real with you love, okay?
Sorry if I sound mean....

While I have an entire grasp of what your poem is about, and I understand what you feel inside that you tried to convey by words, everything is a bit to much in the form of paragraphs where its to wordy, and to ramble-ly.
Also, it tends to be repetitive in some ways.
I know you are trying to ask a million questions in your dilemma of confusion over someone that you may be with, but its not working well enough in this one to make your point strong enough to hit home of the reader.
In turn, you talked about your rhyme scheme. You say you usually prefer freestyle, but wanted to try a rhyme scheme.
Now, there are a million rhyme schemes that can be used.
But what is making yours not right is your paragraph type writing.
Your writing like your randomly talking and barely rhyming words together which isn't helping the situation.
The key point that I'm trying to get across here is the fact that you need to shorten your lines and learn to be pithier but still understandable.
This poem also lack's organization.
Put simply, all your doing is this.....

"What do I do, what do I say
Your not here
blah blah blah
question"

(I'm really sorry....I'm terrible at trying to explain things over a keyboard <.< )

Also, a point is more understandable to a reader when you use metaphors. When you say something is like something so that way they know how to compare and contrast a meaning.
Last but not least, it lacks flow.
Your putting periods after EACH line which cuts it off and then it feels like it doesn't finish itself.

"Everytime I see your name or see your messages it kills me inside. I can’t take it, it reminds me of what I’ve done and what I can’t change. All I want to do is hide."

See ^^....periods. Stop hacking the sentence off by its throat and FINISH speaking!

"Every time I see your name
it kills me inside
till like a kindling burn
showing what I can't change
but what I'd rather hide."

(Not to be a showoff AT ALL) but look at what I wrote above.
I've combined all points together that I'm trying to make.
I was...
1) pity
2) organized as well as possible
3) uses just one metaphor (aka the kindling burn)
4) it flows without being hacked by the throat and blood spilling everywhere.

Now with all of this meanness stated (I've probably killed you right now XD)
I do seriously think you have potential.
I remember your poem "Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder"
That was more of a freestyle poem that really actually was pretty good!
You seem to get along easier with those forms of poetry, but it does NOT hurt at all to practice rhyming schemes, pithiness, and the use of metaphors. It will make your poem TEN TIMES more outstanding, I promise.
Channel those inner thoughts and make them rhyme and flow sister, because if you don't learn how to you'll be stuck in the same spot for the rest of life.
I have great faith that your going to get better if you keep on trying. Your previous poems held great meaning and potential. This form of a poem is just a bit different a little more challenging. Don't let it scare you. Scare IT back and get better!! ^.^

Answer 12

Thanks for the advice :3 I really appreciate your input. And Im definitely sticking with free-form bc its obvious I suck at any other style XD

Answer 13

Don't always stick with free-form though. It doesn't hurt to practice this form either. I know you can do it if you tried.
Trust me, 4 yrs ago all I did was write paragraphs for poetry. It was actually my dad who gave me the advice of writing pithier lines and that advice has changed my life. I've never practiced so hard before. XD Its totally possible! If I can, you can! ♥

Answer 14

Thank chu so much!

Answer 15

Your welcome ♥

Answer 16

GRAAAAAAAAACCCE ITS AWESOME! I agree with all of them ^^^ but otherwise its AMAZAAAANNGG!!

Answer 17

Thank you! <3