Question

This is possibly the strangest thing I've ever written.

Answer 1

LYRICAL OXYGEN

Leavening the bread of vanity
haven't we done it many a much
till grace hath burned furious
in its burning but wrathful touch?
Polished out humility for butter
that the day whispers sin way back
between the folds of our spine
and way back way back
into o' heart yours from mine.

Answer 2

What the poem is about.....

Every breath we take, every other breath becomes the blueprint to the things we wish for, the things we lust at, the wrong for the good we trade, and the temptation of all of these that we subconsciously breath into others.
It is lyrical because it is normal and it is exotic to us as flawed creatures.
It is lyrical also because we sing the words over and over by our own delirious actions.

Answer 3

I know its short, but in a way its intended to be like that.
This is also for my book I'm writing, and I'd love some honest critiquing.
Be as harsh as you please! I need all the help I can get. ^.^

Answer 4

*^*
Fantabulous job Atsie <3 *^*

Answer 5

Really??
Yessh, thank you! :) @YoungStudier

Answer 6

That looks Awesome@atsie great job

Answer 7

Thanks Samantha :)

Answer 8

I myself am not good at understanding or comprehending language written like that but since you wrote what the poem is about after I can undersand it, you write very well, good job (:

Answer 9

Thank you Hayz ^.^ I appreciate your feedback!

Answer 10

I'm the same way as HayHayz.
I'm not very well at critiquing other's work, but I personally think it is very well written and it has meaning to it. That's the best thing for a poem to have. Meaning. It may have different meaning to other people, but that's intended sometimes.
But for me, very well!! <3

Answer 11

:')

Answer 12

Thank you Soph ^.^ @soprano.h.d0816

Answer 13

Good.
I love the ending, ties it all together very nicely.

Some critiques:
I don't like the way the second line reads.
It just doesn't flow with the rest of the poem.
I'm not sure what I would change though, maybe just omitting it.

The repetition of the word "burning" is a little off putting.
I would replace the second instance of it with something else.
Maybe something clever and contradicting like `in its forgiving yet wrathful touch?`
I dunno just an idea...

And honestly, the word butter doesn't belong in any poem, ever.
It's just such a harsh word to read, it doesn't flow off of the tongue.
It cuts, in a bad way.

Obviously these are just opinions :))
So take from it what you will.
Hopefully that wasn't overly critical.

Answer 14

@zepdrix
Thats something like I'm looking for! I'll definitely take those pointers into mind. Thank you so much!! ^.^

Answer 15

I'm not that great will poems. I'm no shakespeare. But i think this is great. It flows perfectly and has an awesome message. Good work! +1'd

Answer 16

Ohhhhh but you were using some word play with bread and butter.
Oh oh oh. I missed that...
Ooo that makes me rethink that comment :p hmm
Bah I still hate that hard R on the word lol

Answer 17

Thank you Rebecca :)) @rebeccaxhawaii

Haha, yes indeed. I was correlating those two concepts together to try and bring the poem out. (I also use metaphors and words fairly weird when I try to make a meaning out of something, so I'm sure its strange anyways)
xD Buterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. @zepdrix

Answer 18

I'll just pretend to be Australian when I read it,
Buttuh!

Answer 19

@zepdrix what a character you are.

Answer 20

Hahahaha, buttuh!
Well I guess that would work seeing as it has nothing else rhyming with it. :D

Answer 21

XD

Answer 22

good work

Answer 23

Tbh, "butter" didn't really satisfy me either.
But other than that the poem is great and once again u got amazing writing skills. :)

Answer 24

Thanks Agl ^.^

Answer 25

Really well written. Try not to repeat words so much, also the second sentence doesn't go well with the rest. Other than that its great!

Answer 26

Thanks @KendrickLamar2014 very much. ^.^

Answer 27

Your welcome :)

Answer 28

I was really confused by what this was saying, but I read the poem and then the explanation and then the poem again and I understood most of it. It's really good, but as others have stated the whole butter thing I got lost. And there are technically no folds in our spine, but crevices. "Leavening the bread of vanity" has to be the most clear line to me and it's a very big thing people should worry about, there is nothing wrong with this when I say that I meant that it has a big meaning to it and people should take it into consideration. The three lines after help people to understand more of how it is affecting you and it's positive but negative ways. "Polished out humility for butter" I think this line describes. Describes on how butter is good with bread XD but humility doesn't go with vanity both are polar opposites. The last three or four lines explain how sin travels from person to person without you knowing and how it etches itself into your heart.

^This is all my guess on dissecting you poem @Atsie

Answer 29

Very good poem Atsie :D <3 <3

Answer 30

You's da bomb Bunnie. ^.^
Thank you for taking the type to write that.
Yeah I've officially made up my mind to take the butter thing out, although my intention was to explain how we trade humility for something that doesn't matter. Butter came to my mind because it doesn't matter.............but that didn't work out. xD
But thank you so much for your thoughts! I appreciate it! ♥

Answer 31

taking the time*
not the type :P

Answer 32

I had originally thought that it was to trade butter for someone's humility XD but it didn't connect in my head XD. I was wondering if you were eating food while writing it XD because of the food based things in it. It's a really good poem, but if you can't find anything to replace butter I suggest you shouldn't remove it.

Answer 33

@bunnielover948
I actually wasn't eating food while writing it, but I was half asleep and up till 1 in the morning......so maybe I just got lazy in my train of thought and put whatever came to mind.
But no no, for sure I see everyone's points about how it doesn't fit and I will definitely find something else to replace it with.
Not everything I write is a masterpiece, so thats why I ask for advice. ^.^

Answer 34

I think it was pretty good.

Answer 35

Thanks :)