can someone help me with this please
In no fewer than three sentences, critique the following paragraph. Explain where it could be improved. Then, in your own words, rewrite the paragraph to make its writing stronger. Make sure you include a hook, supporting evidence, and a topic sentence. Use correct spelling and grammar.

Question

can someone help me with this please 
In no fewer than three sentences, critique the following paragraph. Explain where it could be improved. Then, in your own words, rewrite the paragraph to make its writing stronger. Make sure you include a hook, supporting evidence, and a topic sentence. Use correct spelling and grammar.

jessiet12 · Answer

this is the paragraph


Playing in the snow is one of my happiest childhood memories. The winter offers more than a time for kids to have fun. There are many things to do in the snow. It is unfortunate that so many people find the wintertime annoying. More people should step outside to enjoy the snow. I am glad I grew up where it snows.

snazzyspartan12345678 · Answer

i would post this in writing, bcs they would be able to give you a better answer

jessiet12 · Answer

ok thanks

snazzyspartan12345678 · Answer

your welcome

snazzyspartan12345678 · Answer

Playing in the snow was one of the happiest childhood memories i can remember. The winter is a time for more than just having fun. There are so many activities available in the snow. It is so saddening to know that the winter in miserable for some people. When winter comes 'round, i would think more people would play in the snow. At least i was lucky enough to grow up in a snowy climate. @jessiet12

snazzyspartan12345678 · Answer

I thought i would give it a little try. Hope it helps