Question

I decided that there is no harm in sharing a snippet of what has become personal to me even if it is the least greatest thing I've ever written.


You may not get this, but I do. You merely giving your critique and opinion is also what helps me down a road that surely becomes straighter over time, so please tell me what you think. :) Be HONEST and be cruel if you'd like! ^.^

Answer 1

THAT ONE ROOM


Its the place where innocence
birthed into curiosity
Out of a baby smaller than
its own philosophy.
Where plastic vegetables were
fed to Maddie the doll
Where Bummer the Bunny took
the first throw up call.
Where mama played dress up
with tangled curls
And daddy tickled what he'd
call his only girl.
Its where seven years went
along with a first poem
and where the bed was used
to play nurse alone.
The pages, how the pages -
all the homework
done sprawled lazily
from a mind spinning berserk.
Where dreams started dreaming
while awake
Peeping from the shadows
out into the make.
Where the first song was
written and sung
Where the ceiling bore holes
from stares smile and smug.
Its the very place I'm
writing in now
Little words that I hope
scream loud.
It'll be the very place I
move from and come back to
Because this one room is
every lesson to be learned anew.

Answer 2

Getting older and thinking about ones future tends to be sobering, maturing, and refreshing all at once.
Cleaning up and going through old things in my room had subconsciously brought this out of me.
I sincerely believe that we all have that one room in our life somewhere.

Answer 3

This is very good Atsie, personally I believe this is one of your best as everyone can relate to (well that is female). But what everyone and anyone can relate to is we all grow up and have cherished memories in our house or even in just one room, and how at some point we leave and then they come back.

Answer 4

Thank you @Ghostelle
Your comment and understanding means a lot to me. :) <3

Answer 5

Awww Your welcome and I enjoy responding to your poems :D They make people smile

Answer 6

That made ME smile! Thank you so much! ^.^

Answer 7

This was nostalgic and touching! Good work @Atsie. Sometimes people get too busy in their lives that they tend to forget the path that led them there. The memories, trifles are all what makes our life worth living for. Be it a room or some deed or anything in the past, these little things are what we all have to treasure in our old days. Thank you for this poem :)

Answer 8

@AravindG
Wow! Thank you so much for your thoughts and for your understanding of this as well! Thats definitely so true.
It seems to be my week for memories and looking back on life that in reality made me who I am. :)
Thanks soo much! ^.^

Answer 9

just smile and wave girls just smile and wave @AravindG

Answer 10

its gud atsie <3

Answer 11

Thanks Pup ^.^ @ILovePuppiesLol

Answer 12

The rhythm feels inconsistent. It's somewhat off putting.
I would like the first four lines to read like this:
`Its the place where innocence birthed`
`into curiosity`
`Out of a baby smaller than`
`its own philosophy.`
or like this:
`Its the place where innocence`
`birthed into curiosity`
`Out of a baby`
`smaller than its own philosophy.`

I like this second version better. Does that make sense?
I just feel like the lines are broken up in weird spots.
So the next lines would read:
`Where plastic vegetables`
`were fed to Maddie the doll`

Just something to consider.

And so I would alter the last pair slightly.
Maybe throw the word `in` into the mix.

`Because in this one room`
`is every lesson to be learned anew.`

The ending is already fantastic though,
so I suppose you don't want to mess with it too much.

Good job :)) I really like a lot of the word choices throughout this one.

Answer 13

This was very touching, @Atsie.

Answer 14

Thank you @zepdrix ^.^
I see your point definitely. Thats one of my weakest points in writing is not knowing the structuring.

Thank you!! @Addy I appreciate you commenting!

Answer 15

@Atsie--I hope you keep writing and maybe send them to me in a message or something. I would be happy to comment on more. ^_^ I really liked this one, and I hope you keep writing.

Answer 16

Thats very encouraging @Addy . It means a lot that you care about my writing. I will fan you so that way I can message you next time around. ^.^ <3

Answer 17

^_^

Answer 18

It was very good. Made me a little teary eyed for some reason. ^-^ I like the simplicity, and complexity of it, if that makes any sense. xD You're poems are always so interesting, and leave me pondering them hours after I have read them. <3 I love it. Amazing job as always. I like all of your work, but this one is the best. I feel I can relate to it.

Answer 19

This really hit home for me. I'm a sucker for anything nostalgic anyways, but what made it perfect was how personal you made it. And to me, that's real poetry. So please, keep writing, I know you will, you've got that drive, you couldn't stop if you wanted. KEEP IT UP.

Answer 20

Such Nostalgia. Very philosophy. Wow! :D

Answer 21

@Ms-Brains
@southernbelle00
@ayeedomo
Thank you all so so much. <3
I'm sincerely shocked that this as received such great feedback and that it touched so many. I really didn't think it was that great in all honesty, but you've all been superb! Thank you ever so much! ♥♥♥

Answer 22

Very well worded, gives a good feeling in the heart c:

Answer 23

Thank you Spenc! ^.^ That means a lot :3

Answer 24

:D

Answer 25

*^* oh my gawd Atsie this is just absolutely beautiful *^*
Wonderful work <3

Answer 26

Thank you Emily @YoungStudier I appreciate that immensely. ♥♥