Question

I wish everything came out like a masterpiece. :/
Please, if you see this....throw your thoughts down and tell what I can improve! ^.^

Answer 1

MELLOW JUNE

In the afternoon of clock and two,
sleep was swayed by sunshine painted through.
Thick hazed under very lace curtains,
Hormones from the sticky sky
upon gardens of certain.

Shadows, now the evening of clock and nine,
raindrops upon the eaves dripping quiet and fine.
Hear them romantically whispering to the cherry tree
saying that secrets must sneak themselves way
by road and branches along down the Ontario stray;
Till all is hushed in timely trust,
Here on a mellow June Day.

Answer 2

It seems like it describes a uhhhh.... cough....
very personal experience +_+

so I'm trying to be careful with my words here lol

Answer 3

No! I swear its not! xDD
I was just trying to frame this whole thing around nature and how beautiful it is.
Ooh my goodness, I didn't expect someone to think that!
#horrified

Answer 4

nature? 0_o
really?

Answer 5

Yess really! I swear!

Answer 6

cherry tree? -_-
come on...

Answer 7

sticky sky -_-

Answer 8

https://tse2.mm.bing.net/th?id=OIP.Mfb9a6aab777ba20c806e85f7d80cd188H0&pid=15.1&P=0&w=225&h=170
THAT is a cherry tree! Thats what I was talking about.....not..........whatever on earth popped into your head. xD
Sticky sky, as in sticky heat......its hot out, the clouds are moving super duper fast and midnight is starting to come on?
I literally can't believe this right now! xDD

Answer 9

sticky heat... yes... hot indeed =O
anyway... hmm let's see

Answer 10

Might I also add, that I'm 17 and anything that happens will be in the future. I am not of that mindset AT ALL right now. I simply love nature, the outdoors, and any kind of beauty that God makes!

Answer 11

k my mistake :) lol

Answer 12

I actually could yell at you right now for that! xD
Now, with that straightened out.....is there anything that needs improvement.

Answer 13

do you like the use of the word clock?
I feel like `time and two` sounds more elegant.
But maybe `clock and two` is more original, your own style.

Answer 14

That was what I was sorta trying to do. I mean I've heard 'time and two' used so seldom but yet so commonly and I wanted to make it different. Does it fit at all to you?

Answer 15

It's just a tad clunkier with clock, but I still like it. :)

Honestly, with what I THOUGHT you were meaning with this poem,
I was going to recommend this for the second line,
`sleep was swayed by sunshine and you.`
lolol

Answer 16

Just a small suggestion for the third line,
`Thick hazed under every lace curtain,`
so you can really nail that rhyme.

No no no that's stupid, ignore that.

Answer 17

xD thats alright! If you got idea's or improvements keep em' comin! ^.^

Answer 18

I was going to suggest you add something for a second line,
so you keep the rhyme structure the same,
where you skip a line in the middle.

But your second line is so long, that I think it works out nicely as is.

Answer 19

Hormones? Mm I don't like this word.
So you're trying to say that the weather and stuff is stirring up a feeling in you?

Answer 20

Grr I dunno, poetry so harrrrd :c

Answer 21

@zepdrix
Yes and no to your question. :P
Hormones from the sticky sky upon gardens of certain......
The sky is hot and sticky as is the atmosphere and the air.
The hormones of the sky is pertaining to the sun and the sun helps plants and everything grow in a garden.
Does that make more sense?

Answer 22

Oh, hmm

Answer 23

I think it was great and yes you described the nature just fine i that and i think a lot of people would see nature like that too.

Answer 24

Thank you @butlertechrules ^.^ I appreciate your feedback. :)

Answer 25

I really love the wording, not too much for me to improve upon, great work!

Answer 26

Quite amusing, I do appreciate it's wording and it's VERY mellow.

Answer 27

Looking forward to your next work of art :)

Answer 28

Haha, it looks good to me as it is. Writing isn't one of my strong subjects :b

Answer 29

@TheSmartOne
@undeadknight26
Thank you both so much! I truly appreciate it! ^.^

Answer 30

@Jadeishere
I didn't see your response till now, but thank you for your kind words! I am most grateful!

Answer 31

I like it! I can easily tell that you are trying to paint a picture when it comes to nature. Aslo have you ever heard of Wattpad? It's an online writing site that my older sister goes on and share's her stories. Their are aslo lots of poems on that as as well ^.^

Answer 32

Oh and to add to that there is a help center on there are people join and they will edit,read, tell you their opinions, co write if you want and a whole lot of other thing's for people who want to improve in their writing as well ^.^

Answer 33

Yes, I have heard of it. :) I used to have one but I deleted it I think...........or I totally forgot the password or account username. xD
I'm so busy these days though that I don't really have time for a Wattpad so I just kinda wing it in the best way possible.
I'm so glad you like it though. ^_^

Answer 34

Very nice. Keep it up :)

Answer 35

Thank you @Pinkybottom67 <3

Answer 36

I love it c: I laughed at the comment the first person made though haha I was like what is he talking about and reread it all and laughed some more but It was a really nice piece and I hope to see more... c: Sorry about being so late to comment I haven't been on OS...

Answer 37

@Adrianna.Gongora
I'm very grateful for you commenting Adrianna. :) And its alright, sometimes life gets crazy and we can't make it on. ^.^ Thanks again!

Answer 38

c: No problem c: ^^

Answer 39

ded X'D

Answer 40

I really need to die...I just reread all these comments! xDD

Answer 41

yeah some of the wording can give people the wrong idea LOLL!

Answer 42

Yessh....I prolly really need to rewrite it, but I SWEAR I didn't mean that!
dang it! Lollz
*cries*