Question

Please be completely honest and give critique on this poem! Will give medals!

Answer 1

They Broke My Heart

When I was suffering,
He held me tight.
When I fell down,
He pulled me up.
When I cried,
He understood.
When I needed to talk,
He listened to me.
When I felt like dying,
He helped me survive.
When I loved him,
He loved me back.

You grabbed my arms,
Said I was wrong.
That I needed to leave,
Not giving me a chance
to say goodbye.
You pushed me over
The line,
Saying I needed to go back home.
I tried to tell you this was my home,
But you wouldn’t listen.
When you took me away,
You broke my heart.
You pulled me from him,
The love of my life.
You made us suffer,
We couldn’t survive.

Answer 2

@Yinshy

Answer 3

it seems like there are two different people a boyfriend and a dad

Answer 4

but this sounds great looks good but the end could be a little different i think

Answer 5

@Yinshy Thanks! The assignment was that we were all given a slip of paper that someone else wrote. We had to write a poem about it. Mine was "an international student who needs to go home".

Answer 6

We couldn't survive
because of you

sounds better to me with the proper punctuation of course.

Answer 7

well it sounds/looks great

Answer 8

@Yinshy Thanks!

Answer 9

no problem

Answer 10

i'm going to save this poem because i love it so much

Answer 11

@yinshy thanks! but please don't use it until you say i wrote it!

Answer 12

I think you did a masterful job of playing the game of compare contrast that was subtly asked for in your assignment. I really appreciate this actually and would encourage you of your own accord to write more! <3

Answer 13

@Atsie Thanks a lot! Do you have any ideas of what kind of poetry I might be good at?

Answer 14

I highly encourage you to experiment and try all different kinds. Some people can persuade their creative abilities through a universal mind concept of taking the pen, writing in metaphors, in pithy sentences, or even paragraph's through free writing. And then there are others that naturally can be fancy and rhyme as well as have meaning all at once. And THEN there are some that can say something with literally 5 words and get a concept across that no other can.
It's all different and WE are all different. Merely explore and find yourself and never fear a single thing, because fear is motivation to NOT fear. :)

Answer 15

@Atsie Wow, thanks. Are you an English teacher or something?

Answer 16

Heh, no I'm not. I'm 17 and I just happen to be an English fanatic. ^.^

Answer 17

@Atsie Wow. No one would be able to tell from your writing and wisdom! Have you ever thought of publishing?

Answer 18

I intend to someday. I'm writing a 365 day poetic journey book at the moment actually and although I will have to do so much editing, I hope to at least get some of them published if not all of them. It depends how things work out I guess. :)
Thank you for your kind words though! I appreciate that! ^.^

Answer 19

i asked my English teacher about your master work and she said it was great and a little dark and that where it says over the line you could do some thing different or add to it

Answer 20

This is very good! It needs a little bit of work on some parts but the story as a whole is amazing! I suggest you re-read it very carefully, (out loud) and listen to some sentences that could be worked on to make more sense.

Answer 21

On first reading I got the image of kidnapping or abduction. The person grabbing arms would be the the abductor.
Then I read somebody's comment about father/daughter. I reread it with different eyes. It occurs to me that the actions of somebody ending your relationship out of love may look the same as someone acting on hate.
The dichotomy of protector/attacker may be a theme you'd want to develop.

The last two lines is a powerful idea but I'd change "couldn't" to "didn't".
The "us" and "We" is a relationship of course. Putting a definite end to a relationship makes it more powerful.
Also, "us" and "We" are wonderfully used here. Which relationship is it? The narrator/lover? or the narrator/father,
It causes the reader to consider: If a father, even acting on love for the daughter, forces her away from her lover, can that end their loving relationship while her longing for the lover continues? Or can strong feelings between lovers really be ended simply by removing them to separate places on the Earth?

Anyway, if you choose to develop it further, it could stand on it's own as a strong piece.

Answer 22

i agree completely

Answer 23

I 100 percent agree with the poem and I felt the happiness and sorrow from the bottom of my heart.