Question

So I wrote this a while ago, feedback?

Answer 1

A long time ago in a land far away
There lived a fair maiden, on a bright sunny day
Her hair was like gold, her skin was like peaches
And she dreamed of spending her days on bright beautiful beaches
She dreamed of love of adventure and romance
And was sure she could find 'him' given the chance
So she set out on a journey far away to find
The One who would love her, be jealous yet kind
So she searched and she searched far and wide
Yet she could not find where The One did hide
Under the rocks, and over the hills
Even under the leaf of every daffodil
Soon home she returned, a hole in her heart
Without her long awaited, heard searched for other part
Feeling lonely and lost she then turned to a Friend
Sitting in the Church were she used to attend
"Father please help me, I fear I do wander
And feeling alone has caused me to ponder
Why did I leave You? I do not remember
I once was a fire, but now im an ember."
She sat there and cried, hearing nothing but silence
But then a voice came and she jumped with such violence
"My Daughter, My love, the one I have chosen
Please trust my plan for it can not be broken
The love that you seek is not to be found
In anyone but he who was laid in the ground
After he died, he rose three days later
You won't find a love like His that is greater."
She sat there in silence with tears in her eyes
And lifted her empty hands up high to the skies
The hole in her heart was no longer bare
For the love of God and Jesus was there
"Thank you God for helping me see
That all I search for is already in me
Forever I shall praise your name on high
Forever I shall stay to your side nigh
I shall give you my life, just like the wise men
And love your forever, in Jesus Amen."

Answer 2

Your poem is wonderful. However, I would suggest a few corrections:
A long time ago in a land far away
There lived a fair maiden, on a bright sunny day
Her hair was like gold, her skin was like peaches
And she dreamed of spending her days on bright beautiful beaches
She dreamed of love of adventure and romance
And was sure she could find 'him' given the chance-----add a "she" after the And was for fluidity
So she set out on a journey far away to find
The One who would love her, be jealous yet kind
So she searched and she searched far and wide
Yet she could not find where The One did hide
Under the rocks, and over the hills
Even under the leaf of every daffodil
Soon home she returned, a hole in her heart
Without her long awaited, heard searched for other part
Feeling lonely and lost she then turned to a Friend
Sitting in the Church were she used to attend
"Father please help me, I fear I do wander
And feeling alone has caused me to ponder
Why did I leave You? I do not remember
I once was a fire, but now im an ember."------------add an ' in between the I and m
She sat there and cried, hearing nothing but silence
But then a voice came and she jumped with such violence
"My Daughter, My love, the one I have chosen
Please trust my plan for it can not be broken
The love that you seek is not to be found
In anyone but he who was laid in the ground
After he died, he rose three days later
You won't find a love like His that is greater."
She sat there in silence with tears in her eyes
And lifted her empty hands up high to the skies
The hole in her heart was no longer bare
For the love of God and Jesus was there
"Thank you God for helping me see
That all I search for is already in me
Forever I shall praise your name on high
Forever I shall stay to your side nigh
I shall give you my life, just like the wise men
And love your forever, in Jesus Amen."


Other than that, I have not seen a more beautiful poem in a very long time. Happy writing! :)

Answer 3

This is beautiful! it really touched me. I believe in God too.

Answer 4

Thank you! :) <3

Answer 5

Some beautiful sentiment here but I'd suggest making some of your writing more explicit. For example, instead of saying her hair was like gold, or her skin like peaches, articulate what you mean. What is like gold about her hair? the color I assume...but is it shiny and valuable like gold also? What about her skin? How is it like peaches? Again, is it just the color, as I suspect you mean...peaches have a variety of shades of color from red to white.

Answer 6

That would help as well. I had not thought about that :)

Answer 7

Okay thanks :)