Question

Hi!~

So this is my essay for my English class, and I just need grammar checks. ^_^

This particular report deals with comparing the book to the film adaptation, thus my first paragraph will remain with no thesis, though I'm still working on how to word the beginning...and yes there is no firm structure throughout the essay because it's just a draft.

Answer 1

@Jamierox4ev3r onegai shimasu~ :3

Answer 2

It's your lucky day, the writing master is here :3

Answer 3

owh LOL I don't have permission to access, rip ;-;

Answer 4

@EclipsedStar

Answer 5

owh how odd...lemme see e_e

Answer 6

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1EiNk6GzDlhJlvZYEyBarRKt49JNGbmKX6wHZTmFqwIo/edit?usp=sharing

Answer 7

There we go :3

Answer 8

First paragraph edits:
"exploits these topics of chaos in life..."
"it neglects the careful attention to horror that happens within McEwan’s descriptive details: the child’s leg in the tree, the French brothers’ account of their bloody experiences, the random bombing of citizens along the road, the grave for the deceased boy, Flemish mom and son episode, the corpse with flies near boot, the brutal interrogation of the RAF man at Dunkirk, and the pig chasing, to name a few"

Answer 9

basically just two things...add these things for a little less awk. structure

Answer 10

I really couldn't enjoy writing this... *sobs*

I'll fix it on my school email account for docs right away :3

Answer 11

Second paragraph edits:

"Joe Wright is faced with a truly daunting task in attempting to recapture as much of Robbie Turner’s terrifying “passeggio” through France from McEwan’s written work."

"On several occasions, he cannot help but ponder the identity of the French boy whose leg remained severed from his body."

"Most of the violent episodes from McEwan’s text, like the French boy’s story, have a randomness and cruelty about them that communicate the nightmarish quality of war and its corresponding effect on its hapless victims, usually innocent bystanders struck by the chaotic whims of war and the victimized citizens of the countries involved in the fighting."

Answer 12

This is quite good, some of your wording could have been a little less awkward, perhaps. But good! Just a little tweaks here and there, lemme know if you like them.

Okay! Onward, to the third paragraph!

Answer 13

Those moments when you don't know what to add and you end up in roundabout versions of what you were originally thinking about...LOL

Answer 14

LOL xD

Answer 15

Third paragraph edits:

"And just as Robbie cannot stanch the voice in his head that interrupts his story and brings back to his recollection the idea of Cecilia and his strong desire to return to her, so these brothers cannot stop imaginatively recalling “those mutilated bodies” (254)." <--I actually don't quite know how to fix this, but it seems pretty awk...just pointing that out! (Like, try reading it out loud).

**General Note: This paragraph seems kind of short, and I'm not sure if I see a topic sentence/tie-back sentence that could connect to a thesis? Just a thought/suggestion :)

Answer 16

Oh the "brothers" part...I forgot to elaborate on it... :(

and yes I was thinking of adding it into the main first paragraph. Interesting how it would relate to the thesis though, but then again my teacher mentioned a thesis wasn't needed but...why not XD

Answer 17

Sometimes, a thesis helps organize things and what not :P

Answer 18

But like I said, this is really good!

Answer 19

Thank chu senpai~ ^_^
Still quite amateur though, I do have to admit. I really should focus on enjoying what I write, so I don't make vague statements.

Answer 20

Eep this is long, rip x.x But based from the edits I've done thus far, could you say that you have a better idea of how to go about editing the rest of your paper?

(Life Hack #6395839583: Read essays out loud! <3 )

Answer 21

If you want, I can keep going c:

Answer 22

Yeah, I pretty much got it...too many vague statements that don't add up :(

I didn't preview it to be honest...and that was a mistake on my part, immediately wanting grammatical feedback on a paper I didn't take seriously.

Thanks! I think I got it. Your suggestions fit in to what I'm seeing in the other paragraphs. :3

Answer 23

Great! If you revise it and want me to look at it again, let me know dear <3 I'm always here to help my kohais