Question

Hey can I get some feedback on my story? It's for a contest. It's just a rough draft so there is no correct punctuation and its not exactly perfect, but I just want some opinions on the story in general. (Story below)

Answer 1

As I boarded the already crowded plane I looked back in shock. Was this really happening? Panicked faces rushed past me. Mothers holding on tightly to their children, bewildered fathers trailing behind them, crying toddlers clutching onto their mothers. My hand tightened around my backpack. I didn’t want to go without looking for my parents, but what choice did I have? They knew that I was safe and they had told me to leave if anything got out of hand. My fingers began to turn slightly purple as I fumbled with the zipper on my jacket. Numbly, I wandered through the aisle to get to my seat. As I sat down I let the tears come to my eyes. Who knew this could be so hard? Thinking seemed impossible for the next few hours. All I could do was look around with a blank and emotionless expression. This seemed so… to put it simply crazy. “Madam, madam?! MADAM?!” a voice brought me back to reality. A pair of indigo blue eyes met mine. “Oh… right.” I got up and shuffled out of the plane. The rush of the airport quickly struck me. My feet seemed to find pace with everyone else’s and I walked out without knowing quite what was going to happen to me. After a couple of seconds, I lifted my eyes away from the pavement. An officer stood just a couple feet away from me. I knew exactly what to do. Tears poured down my face and I walked over to the man sobbing. “I – I don’t know what to do – I – “He quickly placed his arms around me “Woah - hey, hey whats wrong? Where are your parents? You must be one of the refugees.” “I didn’t come with my parents. I – they told me to leave as soon as things went wrong. – I – they – I called – they didn’t pick up. I don’t know what to do.” “Hey. We have some families ready to take you in. We will transfer you to one immediately. We will do our best to contact your parents. Just give us their names.” After 30 minutes of giving information I was rushed into a cab to be dropped off at a home. In the cab I rummaged through my backpack and found my phone. Three rings later, a scratchy voice answered “Honey? Are you there? Are you okay?” “Yes Mama I’m just fine. Tell Papa I love him.” “Start over. Get the chance we never had. Go places sweetie. They won’t find us. We are on the top shelf. We tried and can’t get out of here. A couple minutes more and we’ll be gone forever, and you’ll be free… You can live a better life.” “Okay Mama… I love you! I promise I’ll make you proud.” I let a tear run down my cheek and hung up the phone just as we reached the home. The home was actually a mansion. A gasp escaped my lips as I stepped out of the cab clutching onto the only thing I owned. Within seconds I was pressing my finger against the doorbell. Quickly I straightened up and waited patiently. “Yup, got it mum!” the boy yelled into the house with a thick accent. He was wearing a tight black fitted T-Shirt and a pair of gray sweatpants. The light brown hair a top his head was scattered. His olive eyes looked me up and down and he slightly raised an eyebrow. “Aurelia, I presume?” I bobbed my head up and down and stuck out my hand. Without a thought he grabbed my hand and shook it. As he pulled his hand away I could see a black ashy imprint left on his hand. He led me to my room and showed me the bathroom next door. I thanked him and threw my backpack next to the bed onto the floor. He slid open the closet doors to reveal an assortment of clothes. I walked over and picked out the first thing I could find in my size. A smile found its way to my lips as I waved goodbye to the strange boy and popped into the luscious bathroom for a shower. As I stood in a shower I looked dawn and saw all the dirt that had washed off my body go down the drain. Shaking my head, I snapped back to reality and finished my shower. I slipped on the small pair of booty shorts and the bright yellow tank top. I stepped out of the bathroom and let my wet hair fall into place. Suddenly I bumped into someone and got knocked off my feet. “Oh sorry!” A hand was held out to me and I took it. “Thanks.” I said as I looked up. It was the strange boy and he seemed to be in shock as I stood up. “Aurelia?” he questioned. I realized just then how different I might look. Just minutes ago I was covered in dirt and wearing a pair of baggy sweats and an oversized sweatshirt with holes along the sleeves. “Yes… it’s me.” I replied. Slightly, I raised one brow and walked to my room. Suddenly I turned around. “Your name? I never got your name.” “Leonardo, Leo for short.” “Well then, pleased to meet you Leonardo.” With one swift turn and a couple steps I was gone. The door behind me slammed and the reality had struck. I slid against the slightly gold walls and looked around, finally taking a look at what was around me. A giant bed which seemed to be too soft to be true stood to my right, two off white nightstands on either side of the bed, and a matching vanity table directly across from it. A giant window across the room let in just enough light between the light brown curtains. It hit me so suddenly. I brought my hands to my face and began to cry as I ran my fingers along my forehead, then through my hair. My parents. They really were gone. They had given up everything. Just to save me from living a life in poverty. From living a life trapped for someone’s pleasure. I knew I wasn’t safe yet but, I had gotten far enough that they wouldn’t be looking here. No one could even think I could go to riches. It was a classic Cinderella (as my parents would have called it). Minutes passed, hours passed and recalling every crazy memory seemed to be all I could do. I ripped off the tanktop and booty shorts and found a pair of light gray sweats with the word PINK written in bright pink letters across the pocket and a black loose sweatshirt to throw over my scarred stomach and back. Before I slipped on the sweatshirt I examined the newest scar which seemed to be healing up nicely. I traced my finger across the scar and slipped the sweatshirt on. My scars brought me further back into my past then I cared to admit. I took a deep breath and opened my door just a crack. I could hear voices and laughing downstairs. It was different from the laughing I had heard before. Not sarcastic, not dangerous, but happy. Could that really be? Do families really feel happy? It’s something I wanted to find out. I took another breath and pushed the door open all the way and walked out of the room following the voices. A smile got plastered across my face, I hoped they couldn’t tell that I had been crying. I hoped they wouldn’t ruin their laughter. I walked in and was greeted by two smiling faces. A much older woman (the mother I presume) blonde hair, blue eyes, a smile that was genuine, and wrinkles around her mouth. She must’ve had a wonderful life full of joy. I yearned to have that. Leonardo was also sitting at the table. His eyes sparkled in laughter. I wanted some of that. “Alright you got to listen to this Aurelia, so my husband had called Leo and…” she talked to me as if I had known her for years. I listened to her story intently and laughter bubbled up from inside of me. I smiled. “Well, I would love to meet Mr. Maricho, he seems like a pleasant man.” I replied with a giant smile stuck to my face. The feeling inside me was strange. Like I had drunken a warm drink on a cold day and suddenly felt warm again. I didn’t know how to explain it. You would have to feel it to know it. Joy. Yes, that’s what it was. “He should be home in a couple minutes. I ordered pizza for dinner. Hope you like it.” Mrs. Maricho said, snapping me out of my joy coma. My stomach suddenly reminded me that I hadn’t eaten for the past two days. I nodded my head. “Honey, I’m back.” that gruff voice, stern yet penetrating. My eyelids closed shut. Trying to convince myself that it couldn’t be I opened my eyes to be met with a pair of olive eyes staring at me. “Are you okay?” whispered Leonardo. I nodded my head and readied myself to turn around. It wasn’t him, it couldn’t be. It wasn’t. I turned around and was met with the same brown eyes I had seen before, with the same brown hair, the same face I had seen in Romania is the same face that was standing in front of me. He pulled his hand out of my pocket and quickly I squatted down low to the ground and put my hands over my head. A loud scream echoed through the house, my butt hit the ground and tears poured down my face. Curled into a ball on the ground I continued to scream. “Aurelia! Aurelia! Hey… hey… hey… hush. It’s all right. Hush.” the way he had said hush made me stop screaming and remove my arms from around my head. “Hush.” repeated Leonardo in his husky and comforting. I let my heartbeat slow to a regular rate and leaned my head back onto the floor. My eyes closed for just a minute. As soon as I felt stable I opened my eyes and sat up straight. Wearily I apologized to Leo and Mrs. Maricho. “Mr. Maricho, I’m sorry. I just… it has been a rough week. I think the lack of sleep and stress has gotten to me. My judgement is not right at the moment. They say that you can hallucinate when sleep deprived. I think I’m just going to head into the room to catch some sleep.” He nodded accepting my words. But deep down, he knew, I knew. This was far more than sleep deprivation.

Answer 2

I like the story it is written perfectly and the only thing is the spelling on some words but it is a great story

Answer 3

Thanks! It's only a rough draft so the spelling is something I could fix later!

Answer 4

welcome

Answer 5

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Answer 6

Very interesting story. Keep doing that. I like your style of writing. The only thing is punctuation and spelling. Try to be more careful. Just in case you'll be looking for help in proofreading you can try Supreme essay guys. They usually proofread and edit papers for me. Hope this helps!