Poem for someone that isn’t Felicity.

Question

Warriorz13 · Answer

@tgp

newbie · Answer

Who?

Warriorz13 · Answer

@ThisGirlPretty

newbie · Answer

I like poems :)

Warriorz13 · Answer

TGP is helping me write a poem to give to Felicity e.e

newbie · Answer

Who de felicity

Warriorz13 · Answer

My girlfriend.

newbie · Answer

is she du annoying one  no offence

Warriorz13 · Answer

No she is not annoying.

newbie · Answer

Eh. In someone's perspective, ofc

Warriorz13 · Answer

Jay I have a first line, but that’s it,.

ThisGirlPretty · Answer

Can you post it

Warriorz13 · Answer

As I see in our tree, gazing at the moonlight

Warriorz13 · Answer

Sit*

Shadow · Answer

Was about to ask (:

Shadow · Answer

Try her features next. Since the moonlight reveals them, and the two of you are together.

Warriorz13 · Answer

attachment

Shadow · Answer

I mean, how would you describe her

Warriorz13 · Answer

Would you agree her hair is kinda auburn or copper?

Warriorz13 · Answer

I posted that picture for reference

Warriorz13 · Answer

I catch a glimpse of copper through the sky so bright

Shadow · Answer

I would agree. Perhaps  avoid the use of so. You want to strengthen words some other way.

Warriorz13 · Answer

How so?

Shadow · Answer

It’s boring . Use figurative language to strengthen the meaning of words

Warriorz13 · Answer

Fitly?

Shadow · Answer

?

newbie · Answer

You're boring shadow ;)

Warriorz13 · Answer

I don’t know... I suck at writing

newbie · Answer

That poem sounds good though! Good job

Shadow · Answer

I’m on mobile so everything I try to type gets autocorrected into spaghetti . Can better help you in like 15-20min.

Warriorz13 · Answer

As I sit in our tree, gazing in the moonlight
I catch a glimpse of copper in the night fitly bright.

Shadow · Answer

Nice

Warriorz13 · Answer

Don’t know how to continue.

Shadow · Answer

How does that feature make you feel, or what thought does it evoke

Warriorz13 · Answer

Makes me wish I knew what her hair smelled like

Shadow · Answer

Lol

Warriorz13 · Answer

It invoked a feeling of longing, wanting to be closer to her, hold her close.

Shadow · Answer

That’s good.

Warriorz13 · Answer

I feel your hair brush my cheek, shading them red.

Shadow · Answer

Good imagery

Warriorz13 · Answer

And I start to remember why my heart bled

Warriorz13 · Answer

Does that line make sense to you?

Shadow · Answer

K, finally at the laptop

Warriorz13 · Answer

Kk

Shadow · Answer

Bled, why? That connotation can easily swing in the negative direction.

Warriorz13 · Answer

Does the last line make sense to you?

Warriorz13 · Answer

Bled being my heart opening up for her for the first time in a while.

Warriorz13 · Answer

My heart crying out for her.

Warriorz13 · Answer

Yes, no?

Shadow · Answer

what do you think of interchanging bled with wept, since your heart was crying out

Warriorz13 · Answer

I like it.

Warriorz13 · Answer

As I sit in our tree, gazing in the moonlight
I catch a glimpse of copper in the night fitly bright.
I feel your hair brush my cheek, shading them red.
And I start to remember why my heart bled

(How should I proceed?)

Shadow · Answer

Describe why your heart did what it did.

Warriorz13 · Answer

I hear my name slip from your lips, 
Turning my stomach to that of a ships,
I smell the scent of your sleek hair,
Making my heart feel like a eclair

Warriorz13 · Answer

Hmm?

Shadow · Answer

eclair - a small, soft, log-shaped pastry filled with cream and typically topped with chocolate icing.

Shadow · Answer

?

Warriorz13 · Answer

Mhm, sweet and soft

Shadow · Answer

It's your choice, but that meaning isn't clear. Unless she knows what an eclair is. Also, put 'an' instead of 'a'

Warriorz13 · Answer

$\color{#0cbb34}{\text{Originally Posted by}}$ @Warriorz13

As I sit in our tree, gazing in the moonlight
I catch a glimpse of copper in the night fitly bright.
I feel your hair brush my cheek, shading them red.
And I start to remember why my heart bled
I hear my name slip from your lips, 
Turning my stomach to that of a ships,
I smell the scent of your sleek hair,
Making my heart feel like an eclair
$\color{#0cbb34}{\text{End of Quote}}$

Warriorz13 · Answer

I told you I’m trash af writing

Shadow · Answer

'Making my heart feel lighter than air'

May sound better. Ships seems unclear, I assume broad and expansive?

Warriorz13 · Answer

Mhm

Warriorz13 · Answer

$\color{#0cbb34}{\text{Originally Posted by}}$ @Warriorz13
$\color{#0cbb34}{\text{Originally Posted by}}$ @Warriorz13

As I sit in our tree, gazing in the moonlight
I catch a glimpse of copper in the night fitly bright.
I feel your hair brush my cheek, shading them red.
And I start to remember why my heart bled
I hear my name slip from your lips, 
Turning my stomach to that of a ships,
I smell the scent of your sleek hair,
Making my heart feel lighter than air
$\color{#0cbb34}{\text{End of Quote}}$
$\color{#0cbb34}{\text{End of Quote}}$

Shadow · Answer

Still don't understand the stomach -> ship thing

I only bring it up because it may not be clear to her.

Warriorz13 · Answer

I dunno how else to explain et ;~;

Shadow · Answer

Well a ship has a stomach, where it stores stuff. That area is big. So your stomach, becomes large? What are you trying to get at?

Warriorz13 · Answer

Something along the lines of butterflies I suppose.

Shadow · Answer

like fluttering sails?

Warriorz13 · Answer

Ooo that sounds cool

Warriorz13 · Answer

I do hate to cute it short, but I’ve been doing schoolwork for going on 4 hours now after coming home and tilling for 3 hours, I’m in need for sleep, tomorrow I gotta till and plant a garden, hopefully can can finish this up soon.

Shadow · Answer

Alright, get some sleep man. And good luck. I'll be on tomorrow if you need. If there is one more suggestion I'd make, it's that you could listen to music. Every time I write, I do that. Sometimes it helps evoke feelings and helps along the creative thought process.

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