Question

can someone revise my writing?
its evident its not put well together, it was nothing but a 5 minute quick write, i just feel like the topics are so scattered.

Answer 1

What kind of revision are you looking for @migrainebye?

Answer 2

not grammatical-just tips or any input on what i should delete or maybe add to make it flow better. right now its obviously scattered all over.
i am turning this into a bigger writing assignment sometime this week and i like the idea of it, but i feel like it seems a bit scrappy.

Answer 3

I like the magnitude of this. It has a resonating message.
Would it be appropriate to add some kind of metaphor that you could build on throughout? Kind of like a theme to tie the whole thing together? Or would that be too informal for this assignment?

Answer 4

"because trust is damageable, easily fractured, and the most delicate, fragile emotion to be messed with. "
I'm thinking along the lines of using some kind of metaphor like "glass" or a "mirror" in which to compare "trust" to
Or any fragile thing, really

Answer 5

Just kind of to elevate it a bit more (:

Answer 6

it was a 5 minute free write based on the topic of what we felt we were entitled to. i would like that, actually. i feel like it's very flat. it definitely needs something to kind of make it alive.

Answer 7

@AP
i fixed changed a few lines, but didn't do anything major like conform it all around a metaphor like you mentioned earlier.


trust is the fundamental right that everyone should be entitled to feel.
the entrustment that you are safe. that you are whole.
but how can we feel that assurance when family is not family anymore?
when friends are not true friends?
when siblings have up and left?
and when loved ones no longer want to love?
how can we feel safe on this planet when there is no one to latch on to?
no one to hold.
no one to call home.
and no where to run.
how can we love when we have been taught what love is not?
how can we even know who we are when we are taught who to be?
how can we fight our battles when we have been taught that being broken down is better fit to the standards of our society?
some say love is the most powerful emotion.
some even say fear.
but few stress that trust is the most heart-felt emotion.
but how can this be when trust is so easily tossed out of the window?
family tosses it out.
friends toss it out.
society tosses it out.
the trust has and always been broken.
now, how do we confide in anything at all?
trust is damageable, easily fractured, and the most delicate, fragile emotion to be tampered with.
if we cannot trust even our most endeared ones, then how can we be entitled to anything at all?
this life is not ours.
our life is a game and we are mere chess pieces.

Answer 8

Hmm we could turn these messages on their heads and compare them to one big game of chess...
Although, admittedly, I don't know the rules of chess lol so I'm not sure how extensively I can help

Answer 9

lol

Answer 10

I really do think a metaphor like that could elevate, it doesn't have to be chess though, what do you think best symbolizes trust?

Answer 11

i really like your metaphor about glass/mirrors

Answer 12

Well, okay.
So with glass, it means that there is some sort of transperancy in which you can "see through" somebody (and then we build on how fragile, breakable it can be, etc)
While with a mirror, it speaks volumes about reflection and your lines about "how can we even know who we are"... how once a mirror is shattered you cant even see yourself clearly anymore, etc.

Answer 13

Could we use both? Glass and mirrors? Or wouls it be better to just use one in your opinion?

Answer 14

i think both ways would come out good. but i think it would be better to fixate on just one so it highlights whichever one. but if you think both would come out well, we could try that aswell

Answer 15

Actually, I do think it's better to stick with one, it would be too broad otherwise, and still somewhat not completely tied together

Answer 16

alright. bare with my scattered mind tonight. long day. lol

Answer 17

Lol no, dw you're doing great, I'm glad you've followed along with me xD

Answer 18

hhahaha ill do my best

Answer 19

Alright, your pick; glass or mirrors?

Answer 20

oh man - i like both. what do you think?
i think im leaning more towards glass because i think most of the writing if fixated on how trust is breakable and everything that goes along with that. then we can elaborate on
the sort of transparency and fragileness

Answer 21

Sounds good. (: Now, we just have to input it somehow and mopd the lines in a way that wouldn't completely change their meaning but still tie into the "fragile, transparent" theme

Answer 22

Mold the lines*

Answer 23

Okay - glass is: transparent, fragile, sharp (when broken), high maintenance,
- can you think of anything else that we can use in this context?

Answer 24

trust takes cautionary years to sometimes gain back. similar to broken glass, you can fix it, but it will never be fully repaired. there still we be missing pieces.

Answer 25

It can even be beautiful if it is well-kept and even reflective

Answer 26

Yes! Excellent. Now you can discuss what those "broken shards" can do to us a individuals

Answer 27

should i continue this theme all throughout the writing?

Answer 28

That would guarantee that it is tied togtther and not scattered

Answer 29

ok, let me write a little more. how much longer will you be on for?

Answer 30

im also trying to continue the theme that trust is something that everyone should be entitled to, but are not.

Answer 31

I'd advise you to keep most of it as it is because it's already beautifully, powerfully written, just plug the theme in... we don't want it to sound like a poem, right? We just want it to have a consistent theme

-Well, yes, you can say something along the lines of people should be entitled to the possession of something as beautifully crafted as a glass sculpture (which, here emobodies trust, obv)

Answer 32

I'm sure you can word it better though lol

Answer 33

i appreciate that a lot, actually.
im new to this writing thing so it's nice for it to be recognized :o)

Answer 34

That is some high level writing for a beginner lol ofc it deserves to recognized (:

Answer 35

It's wonderful that you have such an inspiration from him that created this new passion. You should always let that inspiration radiate and be reflected in your work from here on out c:

Answer 36

Wow. You've put to words what most fail to acknowledge, let alone convey.
I'm genuinely lost for words right now... "if you have created something, and you know that you’re the only person on this planet that can explain that thing" - I can identify with this beyond the expression of words. Thank you for sharing.

Answer 37

We live in an era in which millennials cannot see things as they are, they don't see life in its three-dimensional form. Everything to them is flat (like the screens of their phones lol) and sadly, they fail to acknowledge depth.
The few that do nowadays are a very rare breed. We're almost extinct, man xD

Answer 38

He sounds like one of those genuinely good people. I think you're both very lucky to have crossed paths. I can tell you're brighter than the majority lol it's not so much "judgement" as it would be a self-awareness for you to realize this about yourself

Answer 39

We're getying side-tracked lol

Answer 40

Okay, remaking the list: glass can be...
transparent, fragile, sharp (when broken), high maintenance, beautiful if it is well-kept, even reflective, solid - despite its fragileness
It can also be...
cloudy, refractive, can even act as a sort of magnifier

Answer 41

im having a hard time fitting these in without the rest of my points getting sidetracked.

Answer 42

and having a hard time making them not sound so blunt or not powerful. i want this writing to sound meaningful, deep, angry even.

Answer 43

Okay, just think of trust in it's best and worst form and the degrees in between
At best, it is pristine and unharmed, bright, even reflective
At worst, it is shattered into millions of pieces and beyond repair
The degrees in between can be described as "hazy, then foggy, then cloudy, then opaque" etc
Think of it as a scale

Answer 44

I know it's late and you've had a long day lol, im sorry if this is too abstract atm

Answer 45

no, no it's great.
if i rewrote this from scratch and removed all these lines about society and family and whatnot im sure i'd be perfect.
but trying to fit them into it is .. difficult

Answer 46

We can mold them in, believe me, definitely more difficult though, but I advise against removing any of them... they're not as scattered as you'd think, each line feeds off the line before it, even though ones about aociety

Answer 47

yeah that's what i meant to say. each line is feeding off the line before it. lol

Answer 48

I don't mind working on brainstorming ideas for fitting them in tonight and picking up where we left off tomorrow. You need to get some rest (:

Answer 49

oops some messed up lines there

and i can stay up another 15-20 minutes if you are down

Answer 50

I have plenty of time. Those lines are excellent, seeing as the lines tie back to the glass symbolism. You can even add a bit about this "glass (sculpture) belonging to us but is put in the hands of people in our lives...

Answer 51

Unless you feel that that's too direct lol

Answer 52

i just tried to word that in and i feel like it just drags on the next line too far lol

Answer 53

i definitely have to remove the chess piece line. so out of place. any ideas on how i could compare that to glass?

Answer 54

Lol I can see why.
Dw about it.
Now to tackle the first lines...

Answer 55

or, i could end it with these lines. i feel like that's a pretty powerful ending.

we should be entitled to the most beautiful glass sculptures.
but instead, we are gifted with nothing but millions of sharp shards beyond repair.
this life is not ours.

Answer 56

oops not that this life is not ours line lol

Answer 57

i actually really like how that would end. or if you have any other ideas, i'd love to hear them.

Answer 58

Actually, it seem like the ideal way to end it. I will brainstorm and list any ideas worth mentioning and you can build on the ones you like. And if you would like me to, I'll try to think up ways to use the words that can describe glass throughout your piece. None of which you should feel the need to us lol

Answer 59

Use*

Answer 60

that'd be great.

i also shot you a message.

Answer 61

i really like how this is going. i'm excited to see what it will look like when it's finished.

Answer 62

I am, too (: you have brilliant ideas

Answer 63

thanks so much! i have to be up in like 3.5 hours for school. tomorrow will be brutal lol. i should probably get some sleep.

Answer 64

Go! Lol