Question

Need some help proofreading/revising a letter. I'm asking some physicians at my local hospice if I can shadow them this summer.

Answer 1

Dr: [name]

Hello, my name is ___. I am currently a senior at ___. I have been volunteering at [name of institution] for the past 10 weeks and have been enjoying my service very much.

I am seeking opportunities for shadowing and short-term observing to better understand what being a physician is like. If you are open to letting students shadow, I would be welcome to meet with you and discuss a schedule. I am available to meet starting May and have a flexible schedule this summer.

Attached is my resume. The best way to contact me is through my phone (# here) or my e-mail (e-mail here)

Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to speaking with you soon.

Answer 2

@SmokeyBrown

Answer 3

It looks nice, but I think a line like this would help because it shows you would really appreciate it and would be grateful for the opportunity
"I would really appreciate it if you would allow me to observe you."

I feel like the line "If you are open to.." is a way out for the Dr.
Also if you've seen them/interacted with them at the hospice, it would be better to ask them in person. (All of this is easier said than done hahaa)

Also another struggle is getting that email address

But I think your email is overall nice!

Answer 4

yeah I see them sometimes but I'm kinda afraid to talk to them b/c I don't want to interrupt something important and make a bad impression

Answer 5

and thanks for the advice C:

Answer 6

I feel!! But take that blind leap of faith. Whenever you see them, just smile and say hi. And then eventually ask them. I'm sure even if they want to say no, they'll be hesitant because they see you around, and you're nice

so you don't need to talk with them but just smile and do the nodding your head part lool

(this is all advice that I would be hesitant to do myself but trying to give you some courage)

Answer 7

I agree with @TheSmartOne that asking in person would raise your chances. As for the letter, referencing that you're in a pre-med program and majoring in Chemistry may provide some immediate connection with whoever is reading it. This is straight and to the point, and perhaps that's how it ought to be. But allowing one to shadow is still a time investment and so giving them reasons to be invested in you (maybe one of the docs was a chem major, mentioning med program got them nostalgic, etc).

As a writer I am big on tapping into the readers mind as that's where you get most of the magic. Additionally, I think you could reshape this sentence a bit:

"If you are open to letting students shadow, I would be welcome to meet with you and discuss a schedule. "

to

"If you are open to letting students shadow, I welcome meeting with you and discussing a schedule."

'would be' is a bit submissive in terms of language, and being direct can get you more places. There is definitely a balance though, as absolutely direct would be "meeting with you to discuss a schedule." Of course, we want to divide these two components of the meeting and schedule, as allowing the former to stand off allows for a more cordial and friendly cloud to set over the arrangement.

"I am seeking opportunities for shadowing and short-term observing to better understand what being a physician is like"

I am seeking the opportunity to shadow and do short-term observing to better understand what being a physician is like."

This hits again on the submissive. "Seeking opportunities" has the implied notion of getting whatever you can. "Seeking the opportunity" is being direct in what you're asking. "Allow me to come and see, or not."

"Seeking opportunities" could mean you're looking for multiple instances of shadowing, but that's always something that can be discussed in the meeting after getting "the opportunity."

Answer 8

thank you both C: I think i'm gonna close this now