Question

Short story writing dump, finished (?), final draft.

I opened the club room door and stormed outside. Elizabeth was jogging down the corridor with a purse slung carelessly over her shoulder. I stopped in place and turned around. Beth's inhales and exhales were as sharp as they were deep. Her cheeks were terribly flushed, I couldn’t help but notice her pristine makeup peeling from the marathon in high heels. I averted my gaze and waved a hand in front of her face, motioning to back out of my personal space. “You should know I have my problems taking care of Elizabeth.” A visible glint in her eyes told me those were not the words she wanted to hear. I assumed Beth was given everything in life, which is why I urged her to struggle alone. Personally, I felt no more right than wrong telling such a beautiful face a foul truth. Especially when that truth is about her own repulsive boyfriend. Elizabeth clinged onto my muddy, turf-stained dress shirt from behind. I felt her hands sink over my shoulders and down my chest. They wandered to a flimsy button right below my collar bone, one of the many cordless threads pulled apart by Trent’s outburst. Gently, she grazed the surface with her fingers, as if to understand the very atoms within the brass fastener. I could feel a pair of eyes dart around from the head resting on my injured shoulder. The sound of her breathing was amplified from chasing me down the corridor, yet an undeniable warmth came with every rise and fall of her chest. “I’m so ashamed of myself, if only I had stopped my boyfriend from hurting you this much.” Elizabeth’s tender voice gave me every reason to forget the pain I’ve selfishly kept to myself. I knew my injuries would heal with the passing of time. But the grief Trent has caused Beth will remain a burden for a lifetime. I held my breath as I fought back the urge to take responsibility, that I was the one who put my upperclassman in such dire straits. At the same time, I felt compelled to silence Trent’s fearmongering no matter the cost. I was oblivious to the consequences, but I doubt staying quiet would’ve led to a better outcome. If that were to happen, the same responsibility that now plagues Beth would have been passed onto me instead. “In that case we’re both guilty, so please don’t shoulder this alone.” I must’ve sounded quite unconvincing, since she remained silent and continued twirling the fabric in her fingers.

>cont. (1/2)

Answer 1

>cont. (2/2)

I couldn’t blame Beth for feeling that way either. After all, I did just try to run away from her moments earlier. Perhaps the silent treatment is her response to the whole situation. Elizabeth never struck me as the “silent brooding” type though, which goes to show how little I really know about her. Based on what I do know, I found it amusing this was the same girl whose face was scribbled in terror just five minutes prior. At first, the nervous fidgeting was justified, but now Elizabeth was clearly trying to show off the slender build of her fingers. They danced across my front in an expert figure eight; as snake charmer does with their cobra companion. Hypnotized by the sun’s reflection in her nail polish, I realized how oddly satisfied I was with this arrangement. I’ll have to write a mental note to never wash this shirt again. The swirling soon pattered off and Elizabeth’s head lifted from my crux. “I have a request to make, if you don’t mind me asking.” I bit the bottom of my lip, contemplating what in the world she could request of me right now. “Go on then, I’m listening.” She elegantly waltzed around my ragged body, I could only imagine how inferior I must’ve seemed. “Please, my only request is that you look at me. I want you to understand we have more in common than you think.”

Answer 2

I apologize for the text wall, the original is made into paragraphs, but I reached the character limit on QC and had to settle with this layout. Please, bear with me on this one lol.

Answer 3

It's okay. Kinda stupid though how QC has character limits. I really love your short story. It really takes the "reader" into the scene of the writing. Good job keep up the great work.♥♥

Answer 4

Thank you so much for your feedback! I greatly appreciate your response!

Answer 5

It's Great!! I love the verbiage that you used and the little changes you made from before. From the small changes I see, you can more easily see how they both feel. Keep up the good work!!

Answer 6

I'm really glad you said that, because that's exactly what i was going for. I thought the inner dialogue was the most important addition into the minds of the characters. It seems like I was able to draw that out judging by your comment. Thank you so much for your feedback again! You've been extremely helpful in the review process!

Answer 7

No problem!! Thanks for having me apart of it!!

Answer 8

Im not even gonna risk reading this story lmao

Answer 9

?

Answer 10

let me tell ya meh, it's really good

Answer 11

yes indeed lol :D

Answer 12

ayee thank you so much! had me worried for a second that i screwed up somewhere lol

Answer 13

@Shadow took your advice and tried to adjust as much as I could, I think it turned out a lot better than before, would like the opinion of another expert, if you would so kindly indulge me

Answer 14

When you say "I have my problems taking care of Elizabeth.” you mean to tell Elizabeth that you have your own to take care of?

Answer 15

own problems*

Answer 16

Yeah I was confused by that line as well

Answer 17

yes, kind of like "I'm too busy to deal with you" sort of thing

Answer 18

Okay.

“You should know I have my problems taking care of Elizabeth.”

The issue is that the subject of 'taking care of' is 'my problems,' and Elizabeth ends up as the direct object.

First you can splice the clauses.

You have:

You should know Elizabeth

and

I have my problems taking care of.

Add a comma to introduce a pause.

"You should know I have my problems taking care of, Elizabeth."

This maintains the structure and introduces emphasis on her name, whilst properly separating the clauses.

Also, 'I have my problems taking care of' doesn't come across the way you want it to.

I'd recommend, "I have my own problems to take care of." You can also use some other variant to your leisure.

Answer 19

you're right i did make a comma splice, i didn't touch it up in the last draft and i happened to glaze over it in this one. thanks for catching it, would've aggravated my ocd a bit. especially if i left it untouched for even longer.

Answer 20

"They wandered to a flimsy button right below my collar bone, one of the many cordless threads pulled apart by Trent’s outburst."

Button doesn't equal thread?

You could add 'locating' before 'one' then one refers to the thread, instead of now referring to the button.

Answer 21

That's true, I thought the button would naturally be attached to thread which would work without the extra clarification. I was relying on connotation more than anything.

Answer 22

If it doesn't bother you then it's fine.

Answer 23

"I’ll have to write a mental note to never wash this shirt again."

NEET?

Answer 24

I do agree with what you're saying, personally I want to prevent the reader from being confused with my word choice. So you pointing that out is something I'll be taking into account through my minor touch ups.

Answer 25

\(\color{#0cbb34}{\text{Originally Posted by}}\) @Shadow
"I’ll have to write a mental note to never wash this shirt again."

NEET?
\(\color{#0cbb34}{\text{End of Quote}}\)
IT SMELLS LIKE BLONDE GIRL o__O

Answer 26

Lmao

And okay. I didn't want to push. It can be one of those things that the author pushes onto the reader. A diminutive and seeming harmless worldview, that a button and thread are so intertwined, that they are one and the same.

Answer 27

Hmm, how about replacing cordless with disembedded and using clasp instead of threads?

Answer 28

" Elizabeth clinged onto my muddy, turf-stained dress shirt from behind."

She's grabbing the back of his shirt from in front of him?

Answer 29

oh god how do i try and explain this

Answer 30

HAHA

Answer 31

I thought so

Answer 32

sorry that linked more times than i thought

Answer 33

enjoy 3 white couples clinging to each other feelsbadman

Answer 34

"I stopped in place and turned around."

This makes it so that you're facing Beth.

A visible glint in her eyes told me those were not the words she wanted to hear.

This reinforces that you're facing her. Otherwise how would you be able to see this?
It would have to be a 3rd person view as opposed to 1st person.

"Elizabeth clinged onto my muddy, turf-stained dress shirt from behind."

Then this states 'from behind'

And then I'm confused.

Answer 35

Now maybe you can see why I asked: \(\color{#0cbb34}{\text{Originally Posted by}}\) @Shadow
" Elizabeth clinged onto my muddy, turf-stained dress shirt from behind."

She's grabbing the back of his shirt from in front of him?
\(\color{#0cbb34}{\text{End of Quote}}\)

Answer 36

ahh I guess that doesn't make much sense, might have to think of a more accurate description of his movements. ? the eye contact becomes too much for MC and he has to put his back to Elizabeth wip

Answer 37

something like that could be put in, but not sure how meaningful of a gesture i can make it seem, i guess later on i do confirm his guilt. so it could be decent and subtle foreshadowing

Answer 38

Yeah you have this:

"I averted my gaze and waved a hand in front of her face, motioning to back out of my personal space."

But it could just mean you turned your head to the right of her, or downward, and so on..

Answer 39

oh right i forgot i said that, yeah thats what my intention was for that scene

Answer 40

Maybe something to the effect, "Facing the door again to leave."

Answer 41

Then she stops him.

Answer 42

Or a cool breeze exhales through the doors, carrying her perfume.

Answer 43

Can get creative (:

Answer 44

I like that one, I have bad allergies to types of perfume so i wanted to use perfume as a comedic element at some point

Answer 45

"as she closed in on my face, I couldn't help but release an open mouth sneeze"

Answer 46

something dumb like that idk lol

Answer 47

That kind of analytical detail...lol I like it.

Answer 48

Thank you, my mind at 2 am is a force to be reckoned with

Answer 49

I do have gripes about some of the emotional descriptions, especially towards the parts that talk about Elizabeth's silence. I had trouble wording a precise explanation of her feelings. So I kinda jumped from "silent treatment" to "brooding" to "now I'm amused at her cheerfulness."

Answer 50

I mean, this:

"She elegantly waltzed around my ragged body, I could only imagine how inferior I must’ve seemed."

And much more as you have described Beth suggests that she is fulfilling quite the archetype, that of the beautiful woman, or goddess. She is being poised as elegant, "pristine makeup" -> perfection, and beautiful. This is the image which you have built up in the readers mind.

Your earlier quote denotes an aspect of that archetype, which poises that such a woman is dominant, and induces fear. This is where Medusa comes from in mythology. She is female who freezes you.

So 'brooding' and 'silent treatment' come across well in that sense, because it fulfills another part of that archetype, which is the judgement factor. Fear is tantamount to the lack of information, and nothing is more daunting than a judge who you cannot discern.

Answer 51

It's also worth noting that this archetype mostly blossoms in the mind and eye of the male beholder. Even if you find a woman who seems to acknowledge it, it is not likely something to which she fully identifies, or even can be.

My point being, as you've noted with her have having been terrified, Beth is actually quite human. But your character notes how 'inferior' he must be in the face of her, as she 'elegantly waltzes.' It makes for a story worth telling.

Answer 52

You convinced me that my own filler is actually meaningful, and I'm the one who wrote the damn thing lmaoo.

In all honesty I do see how you've nicely explained the archetype I'm aiming for. I wanted Elizabeth to be this spoiled brat on the outside but on the inside she's misunderstood for her exterior. When I tried explaining the events with Trent (how she remained a bystander during MC's hypothetical fight) I wanted to capture the fear she felt in that moment, as well as the guilt.

Of course she doesn't want others to view her as weak because of her lack of action, which is why she had to reaffirm her own ego of the "spoiled brat" by explaining herself to MC. In reality, MC sees straight through this ploy (at first running away and ignoring her then coming to a realization that they're two people cut from the same cloth. Both are burdened with guilt for hurting the other etc. etc.)

I like how you've drawn the conclusion that she is also human besides a walking Barbie doll. I didn't want her character to see shallow so I thought the relatable exterior would work best with a deeper understanding of who Elizabeth really was.

Answer 53

Haha, well I'm glad I could do that. In my opinion, archetypes are like the backboard of our mind. They prevail in our art for a reason, whether consciously or subconsciously.

I think I've pointed out all I can for now. Going to grab some breakfast. Feel free to ping me on Discord if you want me to take another look.

Answer 54

I'm glad to see stuff is making progress here. I can't wait read the whole story when it is finished!

Answer 55

Thanks again, I'll work on the changes and then I'll mark it as the final version. I think it's just a few grammar and word diction adjustments. There's more to this entire world I've tried to flesh out over the course of... a very long time. I'll review another page this week and probably look for feedback once that gets to a reasonable version number.

Also I have a book report this week, I'll be using you as my grammar checker for that now that I know you're a good editor. I'll probably send it on Discord or something on Friday or before its Sunday due date.

Counting on you @Shadow - thanks again mate

Answer 56

god I'm working this poor man to the bone

Answer 57

@TheRobin Stick around for another few years and you might be able to buy a copy LOL

Answer 58

Hahaha, Will do mydude