Question

"The Dark Ravine" Short Story 2.0

I stood there, peering over the gaping maw that was the dark and ominous ravine below me. Fear filled my heart as I thought about the creature that chased me. His pale, grey skin and glistening fangs. I looked across the ravine and was greeted with an almost mirror image of what was behind me, a dark forest of leafless grey trees and colorless grass. I changed my view to the sky above only for my eyes to be met by a colorless grey void. All hope escaped my mind and body as I thought about what the horrendous undead creature might do to kill me. I turned around to the greyed forest behind me. I saw a hint of movement within the trees’ shadow as my thoughts raced; my mind focused on how I might escape my dire situation - or if such an insane plan might work. I drifted to contemplating about my other ventures into the shadow fell. Gargantuan shadow dragons finding ways to steal the soul of all things living. Dark, scheming hags looking for ways to leech of the life of downtrodden communities. I remembered my trip to the Queen of Undeath’s Fortress of Memories and how the nightmare I experienced there would haunt me beyond death. But this creature was more terrifying to me than all those horrors put together. The look in his eyes told a story of untold corruption, as though all friendship had turned only to jealousy, all love turned into obsession. This horrendous corruption of humanity and virtue terrified me more than one might believe or imagine. The only thing that scared me more was the thought of the beings that created such corruption . . . The Dark Ones. The mysterious, unseen, unheard, rulers of the shadow fell. Their origin completely unknown. My thoughts were interrupted by the deep, growling voice of the once man creature that was chasing me, as a cheetah does a gazelle. “You were quite the chase! I’ll give you that. But that is not enough to save you from me, mortal,” I turned my eyes towards him. He was wearing a cloak making him completely covered, the only parts visible being his pale, fanged mouth. He walked towards me slowly, knowing there was nothing I could do. His prey was caught.

Answer 1

@Shadow Read this for me (this is my second draft (gg helped me with my first one))

Answer 2

@ggmydude look this over again to make sure I got all your changes

Answer 3

I'll read it in a sec, sorry I was pirating videogames

Answer 4

hahaha, Criminal!

Answer 5

WHATT

Answer 6

it kicked me off the post

Answer 7

and now all my writing is gone T_T

Answer 8

Big oof

Answer 9

dang

Answer 10

>grey skin, grey trees, greyed forest

you already know what I'm going to say

Answer 11

+ grey void

Answer 12

yeah I should change it up

Answer 13

@darkknight read this

Answer 14

> Undeath’s and death are used in the same sentence

Answer 15

I know I was going to put "beyond the grave" instead of death so yeah

Answer 16

Nice job Robin

Answer 17

>I turned my eyes towards him. He was wearing a cloak making him completely covered, the only parts visible being his pale, fanged mouth.

>Fear filled my heart as I thought about the creature that chased me. His pale, grey skin and glistening fangs.

basically repeating yourself at the beginning and end of your story

Answer 18

I actually did that on purpose. Should I change it?

Answer 19

I would say "He was wearing a cloak, completely covering him in shadow..." and so on.

Answer 20

Just word it differently

Answer 21

I think you should change it, personally. I try to avoid using the same sentence twice

Answer 22

Is this all meant to be one paragraph?

Answer 23

No but I haven't got to paragraphing it yet because I wrote it in 8 minutes

Answer 24

>I drifted to contemplating

you're using two verb tenses here, "to contemplating" is also an incorrect use of syntax.

Answer 25

> I remembered my trip to the Queen of Undeath’s Fortress of Memories

rearrange the words in this sentence to make it sound less of a mouthful.

Answer 26

I think you made the story concise enough for me to critique your actual writing

Answer 27

Thank You!! I was starting to feel like it sucked because of all the grammar and wording mistakes I made

Answer 28

The material you have right now is a great template for something bigger. You have a lot of choices in a situation like this. I want to see more depth with the main character, I don't really understand him or the motives he has to fight these creatures; if any at all.

? Who is this guy
? Why does he know of these places personally
? Where did he first discover the truth of the ravine
? How much mystery can be shrouded in this excerpt (this is important for a story that's supposed to invoke fear)
? What reason does he have to be there in the first place
? When does he have a character arch

Answer 29

Answer these questions and you'll instantly add a ton more depth to your MC

Answer 30

All of these are meant to be unknown because I wanted the protaganist and antagonist to be the most mysterious character in this part of the story. But later in the story I will tell more about them. I could tell answer all those questions rn if you like or would you rather wait?

Answer 31

ggmydude why are you taking so long

Answer 32

There's different ways to approach character development. Add subtle clues to his origins. Perhaps some tiny bits of lore in between.

I remember the videogame Dead Cells made it extremely fun to discover the events in the world. You're thrown into the role of a prisoner who is immortal and tasked with fighting creatures of unknown origin. You have no idea why you're killing the monsters, you just... do. You soon realize that you're actually a failed science experiment of the Kingdom, also Patient Zero and the one who holds responsibility for turning every single living being into zombies. (And why you're a prisoner in the first place). From the moment you take control, the entire driving plot is to kill the last remaining human on the island, which happens to be the one who imprisoned you in the first place; the King. The entire game you think you're doing something righteous by killing the King, when in fact he was the one who cared the most about protecting his people.

It's sad to know you were senselessly killing innocent people. Yet, that's what makes the mystery elements so intriguing. I'm trying to keep this somewhat brief for the sake of read time. Just understand mystery is implemented not by lack of details, but by lack of context. Introduce evidence of his past out of order, give something for the reader to look forward to. That's the theory behind mystery.

Answer 33

@justus i WaS wRiTiNg

Answer 34

ooh I was just wondering xD

Answer 35

I see what you mean, but I am not far enough in the story to do that I don't think. I wanted the first passage to not have any info on the characters (mainly because the first passage SPOILER is actually MC in a dream) and the following passages will have what you are talking about

Answer 36

Ugh mannnn don't use the dream troupe. Sorry but that's not fun for the reader to find out. It's a smack in the head when you realize all his choices were meaningless

Answer 37

Yeah but it is supposed to add to the character arch. He suddenly wakes up and realizes it was a nightmare assuming it was because of his time in the shadow fell. This passage is supposed to ad little bits of info drops while still keeping the characters mysterious. Strahd Von Zarovich (the vampire antagonist) is a character MC has never met and the nightmare he is having is actually magically induced BY Strahd. When he wakes he realizes he is not where he was when he fell asleep and is instead in a forest (not the same one from the dream however) and he somehow made it to the demiplane Ravenloft (a dark plane within the shadow fell). He is supposed to have more and more magically induced Strahdmares throughout the story as he begins to meet the townfolk ok Ravenloft itself.

Answer 38

Complex but that is how I like it

Answer 39

I like it to.

Answer 40

I also wanna point out that he didn't make any choices and hencefourth finding out it was a dream should have no affect on the reader besides maybe relief to find out MC isn't dead

Answer 41

Idk though

Answer 42

Sounds really ambitious, which is fine, but you should really get the other parts situated out before you dive head first into those plot arches. You're pumping out these drafts every hour. Please, take your time and revise and edit before you consider additional information. Writing a good story doesn't happen overnight. I'll advise you to proofread your grammar and self revise before you post your next draft. I know you weren't happy with all the mistakes I found, but these are simply the rules we follow. I want you to learn how to make adjustments on your own creative scale. Sentence structure, vivid adjectives, good literacy flow; make it smooth as possible, especially if you can narrow down the word count; have faith in your own creativity etc. etc.

These are essential to writing. Without these in your toolbox you'll be going on 10 rough drafts before you get the finished product.

Answer 43

Yeah, well thanks for helping out mydude (love your name. so many possible puns). BTW I think I might be ready to post my next draft (have been working on it this whole time). All I gotta do is some touch up

Answer 44

I swear to god, if I find a single grammar mistake or word repetition, I'm gonna loose it. Please please please PLEASE look over the minor details so I can actually make comments about the story.

Answer 45

There might be a repetition of like two words maybe (only repeats once) and I used a grammar checker website so it'll be ready enough for you and shadow to comment on the ACTUAL story

Answer 46

jesus and i finished a 2 page story in the same amount of drafts its taking you to make a few hundred words

Answer 47

Yeah, but I DID write the whole thing in only eight minutes soooooooo . . . there was a lot to fix

Answer 48

Therein lies the problem, this isn't a speedrun to write a story

Answer 49

I know but I had an idea for a story and wanted you guys to see it. I should have just written the story idea first and THEN posted the short story

Answer 50

poor shadow, you're tagging him in so many posts