Question

"The Dark Ravine" Short Story V3
I stood there, peering over the gaping maw that was the dark and ominous ravine below me. Fear filled my heart as I thought about the creature that chased me. His pale skin and glistening fangs. I looked across the ravine and was greeted with an almost mirror image of what was behind me, a dark forest of leafless, burnt trees and colorless grass. I changed my view to the sky above only for a colorless grey void to meet my eyes. All hope escaped my mind and body as I thought about what the horrendous undead creature might do to kill me. I turned around to the forest behind me. I saw a hint of movement within the trees’ shadow as my thoughts raced; my mind focused on how I might escape my dire situation - or if such an insane plan might work. I began to contemplate my other ventures into the shadow fell. Gargantuan shadow dragons stealing the soul of all things living. Dark, scheming hags looking for ways to leech off the life of downtrodden communities. I remembered my trip to the Raven Queen's Fortress of Memories. How the nightmare I experienced there would haunt me beyond the grave. However, this creature was more terrifying than all those horrors put together. The look in his eyes told a story of untold corruption, as though all friendship had turned only to jealousy, all love turned into obsession. This horrible corruption of humanity and virtue terrified me more than one might believe or imagine. The only thing that scared me more was the thought of the beings that created such an alteration... The Dark Ones. The mysterious, unseen, unheard, rulers of the shadow fell. Their origin unknown. The deep, growling voice of the once man creature that was chasing I interrupted my thoughts, as a cheetah does a gazelle. “You were quite the chase! I’ll give you that. But that is not enough to save you from me, mortal,” I turned my eyes towards him. He was wearing a cloak making him covered in shadow, the only parts visible being his fanged mouth. He walked towards me slowly, knowing there was nothing I could do. He caught his prey.

Answer 1

>my mind focused, My mind drifted


yeah ok, go fix it. I'm not reviewing it any further until you've 100% taken the actual time to write a concise story

Answer 2

damn I saw something else

Answer 3

These are basic grammar rules and modes of writing. You need to put more time into it. Until then, I can't comment any further.

Answer 4

>My mind suddenly drifted from what I was focused on; I contemplated my other ventures into the shadow fell.

semicolon doesn't work here, I don't understand what makes this statement impactful. You can remove it all together

Answer 5

yeah ok, will do

Answer 6

>However, this creature was more terrifying to me than all those horrors put together

this pulls the reader out of the scene

Answer 7

Ok, I thought that Shadow dragons and Witches and Queens of eternal darkness might be scarier to most people so that is why I put "to me"

Answer 8

It's in the first person, you're using this chance as inner monologue. Everything you say is essentially "to me."

Answer 9

Also, there's a lot of heavy work that needs to be done with the vocabulary. "Scared" "terrified" "horrifying" doesn't = the conveyance of fear. I have trouble sympathizing with the MC. I can't really see myself in this situation, nor understand what it's like personally.

Answer 10

It is not supposed to convey fear. I find horror drab because there has never been something I have read that has scared me, not even Stephen King. It is supposed to be ominous and mysterious. To make you question what is going on.

Answer 11

It is technically "Gothic Horror" because of the setting but it is not supposed to be "scary"

Answer 12

Perhaps the atmosphere is too confusing for me to understand. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel. There's nothing else I can say except revise and edit. Take 3 hours of your day to write a fourth draft. If you spent that much time on all of them, you would be done by now. This is the last comment I'm making on the writing. I've left enough feedback to write my own short story 3 times over. Go look at it once again and see what you can change.

Answer 13

Thanks for the help!! I will say that you are not supposed to understand the atmosphere, it is supposed to be subjective and I want the reader to take it however they want (although I also want it to be mysterious). I will do as you suggest and spend as much free time as possible revising and stuff.

Answer 14

@Shadow

Answer 15

Shadow can you read this? Don't comment on the grammar I just wanna know what you think of the story please. (gg already lectured me on grammar a bunch so no thank you)

Answer 16

don't hold back either

Answer 17

Okay.

Answer 18

"Dark, scheming hags looking for ways to leech of the life of downtrodden communities."

of -> off?

Answer 19

I said no grammar comments. . . but thank you for catching that

Answer 20

"The deep, growling voice of the once man creature that was chasing I interrupted my thoughts"

I -> me?

Answer 21

You can't just ask for feedback, then get defensive when there's a reasonable claim. It's just a mistake, goes to show how seriously writers take grammar errors.

Answer 22

I know, I was sure I fixed that but I guess not

Answer 23

Ik gg I was making a joke. GOSH!! hahaha

Answer 24

please use /s next time

Answer 25

"He was wearing a cloak making him covered in shadow"

This seems redundant with two verbs.

"He was wearing a cloak covering him in shadow(s)."

Answer 26

can't sense sarcasm over text

Answer 27

I noticed a few double verb tenses too

Answer 28

Will fix those when I can, but I have a hard time spotting them sometimes so I appreciate you pointing them out

Answer 29

You can read through it a few times before submitting it to us for review, no big deal

Answer 30

I know I just wanted the idea out of my brain

Answer 31

"alteration" -> from "The only thing that scared me more was the thought of the beings that created such an alteration... The Dark Ones. "

I feel like a better word for what you're going for might be 'perversion' or something of the like. To alter is to make slight revisions, whilst this monstrosity is something far more drastic. And shadow is contrasted to light, it is a parallel world (like the Upside Down in Stranger Things, or Giratina's parallel dimension).

Answer 32

yeah I was looking for a word like that but couldn't think of one

Answer 33

He was wearing a cloak making him covered in shadow, the only parts visible being his fanged mouth. He walked towards me slowly, knowing there was nothing I could do. He caught his prey.

using "he" to start a sentence three times in a row, use a different pronoun here

Answer 34

Yeah as Grey pointed out, you want to have variety in your sentence structure and word makeup. This keeps the reader engaged with your writing. This is essential because you do have a good story to tell. You've clearly imagined a world before you, which is of interest. So now all you need to do is make sure you can deliver that world to us, in clear sentences which find us unfettered.

Answer 35

I second this, I find the adjectives leaving me with an indifferent feeling. I don't necessarily dislike the word's you've used, I would rather prefer a deeper bond with the words on the page. Either way, take into account the possibility of minimizing word count in a sentence. Sometimes they feel like run-ons and I lose interest. It's extremely important to grab and keep the reader's attention all the way through the story.