I need feedback on this story it's for an essay
There was once a kid named James Afton who was the smartest in his grade. He was an a+ student and came from a well-known family of skilled business. His parents fell in love 20 years ago and 16 years later he was born. As he grew up he became lonely his parents loved him but never had time for him and but he could never find the love at his school he tried several times in girls his grade but one day out of the blue a new female student was added into his classroom she was a blond girl with green eyes and had freckles on her face at first he thought she was like the other girls but at there break she went up to him and started to talk to him he thought it was a prank but five minutes later he fell in love with her ever since then that went out on dates every weekend and a few years later had a family James works as an animatronic maker and his wife is a businesswoman for an every well-respected company that helps those who needs jobs

Marry Schmidt- Had lived with her father for the longest time and all she can remember was him always yelling at her, every day she would come home from school do her homework, and listen to her dad scream at her for not doing things when he was home all day. She never wanted to live with her dad but she knew that it was best for her until she could move with her mom. In about 6th grade I got a call that I was going to be with her mom soon and I kept going with all the cuts on her arms, I finally found the light at the end of her tunnel, but when she went to grade 7th that’s when her life changed. As soon as she walked into her new classroom she was a shy type of girl but very smart. On January 12, she fell in love with James Afton and confessed her love for him. That day she had gotten nervous then walked up to him and told him how handsome he was, the way he made her feel, and how she could see herself marrying him and how much of a gentleman he was. After about the 3 dates she asked him if he would like to be her boyfriend He said yes and she was filled with happiness and joy, After that about 7 years went by and they got married, it was a long road but they made it through, and right now we are working to make as much money as we can for the upcoming baby!

Their baby boy’s name is Luke Afton and he loves these parents and he is doing well at school, his parents and he on the weekends go out to places like the mall, parks, restaurants, etc. They had their issues bu

Question

I need feedback on this story it's for an essay
There was once a kid named James Afton who was the smartest in his grade. He was an a+ student and came from a well-known family of skilled business. His parents fell in love 20 years ago and 16 years later he was born. As he grew up he became lonely his parents loved him but never had time for him  and but he could never find the love at his school he tried several times in girls his grade but one day out of the blue a new female student was added into his classroom she was a blond girl with green eyes and had freckles on her face at first he thought she was like the other girls but at there break she went up to him and started to talk to him he thought it was a prank but five minutes later he fell in love with her ever since then that went out on dates every weekend and a few years later had a family James works as an animatronic maker and his wife is a businesswoman for an every well-respected company that helps those who needs jobs

Marry Schmidt- Had lived with her father for the longest time and all she can remember was him always yelling at her, every day she would come home from school do her homework, and listen to her dad scream at her for not doing things when he was home all day. She never wanted to live with her dad but she knew that it was best for her until she could move with her mom. In about 6th grade I got a call that I was going to be with her mom soon and I kept going with all the cuts on her arms, I finally found the light at the end of her tunnel, but when she went to grade 7th that’s when her life changed. As soon as she walked into her new classroom she was a shy type of girl but very smart. On January 12, she fell in love with James Afton and confessed her love for him. That day she had gotten nervous then walked up to him and told him how handsome he was, the way he made her feel, and how she could see herself marrying him and how much of a gentleman he was. After about the 3 dates she asked him if he would like to be her boyfriend He said yes and she was filled with happiness and joy, After that about 7 years went by and they got married, it was a long road but they made it through, and right now we are working to make as much money as we can for the upcoming baby!

Their baby boy’s name is Luke Afton and he loves these parents and he is doing well at school, his parents and he on the weekends go out to places like the mall, parks, restaurants, etc. They had their issues bu

Madiron · Answer

there are some parts in there you might wanna edit

b1az3 · Answer

@madiron wrote:

there are some parts in there you might wanna edit

like?

Madiron · Answer

um like you might wanna re-word certain parts in the second paragraph,is it being told by the narrator or by the character?

Madiron · Answer

the part where it say's " I finally found the light at the end of her tunnel, but when she went to grade 7th that’s when her life changed." in my opinion i would think you should have went with "but when i went to seventh grade",it's things like that i think you should edit

XxXNessalulbaddieXxX · Answer

i like this o:

stopscammingpeople · Answer

fire !

foxy44 · Answer

This essay is dope yo!

Yaboothing · Answer

good essay to me

foxy44 · Answer

@yaboothing wrote:

good essay to me

like i said, "dope yo"

Yaboothing · Answer

yea lol

foxy44 · Answer

teehee

Yaboothing · Answer

teheee

SmokeyBrown · Answer

As Madiron mentioned, make sure that the perspective is consistent. You wrote most of the story from the perspective of a third-person narrator, but it slips into first-person at times, which is confusing. More punctuation would make the writing easier to read as well; I think I counted 8 periods in the entire passage.
All in all, not bad for a FNaF fanfiction. It is decently written, and it is kind of interesting to see different events play out from more than one characters' points of view :)

Yaboothing · Answer

I think it's good maybe just a little bit of fixing

Sock · Answer

In my opinion, you want to put more punctuations in the First paragraph. It seems to have a very long run-on sentence in that passage. Also, you might want to spell check, there are a few misspelled words. Make sure to stay in the same person, most of the time you were in the third person, but every once in a while you went to first person. I don't particularly like the story, I mean this in the nicest way possible, it's a bit stereotypical. Again I'm trying not to be rude, just trying to give my opinion. But I think it would be a well-written passage if you would fix those minor mistakes.

Kelly05 · Answer

Your first paragraph has a huge run-on sentence, and aside from that it'd be good to trim the fat from it

b1az3 · Answer

this story turns dark

b1az3 · Answer

part tow of this essay is underway but I have no motivation :(

Sock · Answer

Nice, I'll make sure to read it when it comes out. :D @b1az3

b1az3 · Answer

part tow of this essay is underway but I have no motivation :(
I need motivation to do it tho

Madiron · Answer

you can do it!!!!!!

b1az3 · Answer

part tow of this essay is underway but I have no motivation :(
I need motivation to do it tho

Madiron · Answer

come one blaze you can do it,i believe in you

b1az3 · Answer

here is a sneck peek of part 2 The curse of this family was immortality but they felt pain when a love one or somthing dies.