Do i need to make changes to this short story?

Question

mtzmario8612 · Answer

It was late at night. probably eleven-thirty-seven, when i was woken up by a loud, CRASH!, in the kitchen. I stood up and headed to the kitchen. My heart was pounding. My entire body was shaking. When i finally reached the kitchen my heart returned to it's normal speed. It was just mu roommate Justin.

"You scared me half to death!" 
"Oh well, I was hungry." he said like the smart-alek he was.
"I thouht someone had broken in!"
"You really are over-dramatic Veronica."
"Oh, shush"
"Hey veronica?"
"yeah?"
"Want to go watch a scary movie, IT perhaps?"
"No not really, it'll scare me too much!"
"you are such a scardey-cat!"
"No i'm not!"
"Yes, you are!"
"fine, we can watch IT." I said then shivered.
"Alright!" 
I could swear he liked me. We always end up watching a movie. Truth is, i like him too. He is as cute as a button, really nice too. We watched our movie then fell asleep together.

mtzmario8612 · Answer

i have more
give me time to type it!

o0xMindyx0o · Answer

It's not too bad, but there are mistakes in the first sentence. U should add quotation marks on crash and get rid of the comma. Also, capitalize the letter "I."

mtzmario8612 · Answer

We woke up at about seven-thirty-two. I had a job and Justin had to visit his sister. Justin's sister is really nice. Her name is Lucy and I love her to death! When I first met her and Justin I knew we were bound to be friends, but someday I hope Justin may be more.

o0xMindyx0o · Answer

And there's another mistake. The sentence "Oh well, I was hungry." he said like the smart-alek he was. It should be like this: "Oh well, I was hungry," he said like the smart-Alek he was.

mtzmario8612 · Answer

Oh so capitalize the a?

mtzmario8612 · Answer

thx

mtzmario8612 · Answer

i have more tho

mtzmario8612 · Answer

The next day Justin and I went on a walk. It was the best day ever. 
"Veronica?" He said curiously 
"yeah?"
"May I ask you a question?"
"Of course!"
"D-do you like me?" he darted his eyes away for a split second.
I really did not know how to respond so i just asked "Why?"
"B-because I like y-you!"
"Wow, really?"
"Y-yes!"
"Well, I love you!"
"R-really?"
"Mm-Hmm!"
"Want to go on a date later for dinner?
"Sure!"
We went to dinner later.

mtzmario8612 · Answer

I was in the middle of getting ready when he yelled "Veronica! Are you ready yet?!"
"No, not yet!" I yelled back while putting on makeup.
"I don't want to be rude but please hurry!"
"Alright!" I finished up.
When i stepped out of the room he blushed. 
"W-wow, you look stunning!"
"Do I? So do you!" He was wearing a blue suit and a powder-blue tie, he looked great.
"Shall we go then?"He said as he reached out his hand to me.
"Yes we shall."

o0xMindyx0o · Answer

I was in the middle of getting ready when he yelled "Veronica! Are you ready yet?!"
Correction: I was in the middle of getting ready when he yelled, "Veronica! Are you ready yet!?"

o0xMindyx0o · Answer

"No, not yet!" I yelled back while putting on makeup.
Correction: "No not yet!" I yelled back while putting on my makeup.

o0xMindyx0o · Answer

When i stepped out of the room he blushed. 
Correction: When I stepped out of the room, he blushed.

o0xMindyx0o · Answer

"Shall we go then?"He said as he reached out his hand to me.
Correction: "Shall we go then?" he said as he reached out his hand to me.

Alhamdulilliah · Answer

@mtzmario8612 wrote:

It was late at night. probably eleven-thirty-seven, when i was woken up by a loud, CRASH!, in the kitchen. I stood up and headed to the kitchen. My heart was pounding. My entire body was shaking. When i finally reached the kitchen my heart returned to it's normal speed. It was just mu roommate Justin. "You scared me half to death!" "Oh well, I was hungry." he said like the smart-alek he was. "I thouht someone had broken in!" "You really are over-dramatic Veronica." "Oh, shush" "Hey veronica?" "yeah?" "Want to go watch a scary movie, IT perhaps?" "No not really, it'll scare me too much!" "you are such a scardey-cat!" "No i'm not!" "Yes, you are!" "fine, we can watch IT." I said then shivered. "Alright!" I could swear he liked me. We always end up watching a movie. Truth is, i like him too. He is as cute as a button, really nice too. We watched our movie then fell asleep together.

For this one I saw 21 errors. For where it says "probably" I think it would be better to write "I was probably" and for where it says "eleven-thirty-seven," I don't think a comma would belong there. Something else I noticed is a few "i" are not capitalized. For where it says "loud, CRASH" I think if you kept "" around the word "CRASH" it'd be better also the comma beside it, it'd be good if you'd remove that as well. For where it says "kitchen" I believe if you add a comma there it'd be perfect. Another thing is for where it says "it's" I think if you wrote its it would be better. If you look at where it says "mu roommate" "mu" is spelled wrong which I believe you wanted to spell "my" and for the word "roommate" it'd be wonderful to add a comma there. Okay now if we look at "he said" it'd be amazing to be a comma after "said" because they would pause then go on and read about what "he said". For where you wrote "thouht" that word is spelled incorrectly it'd actually be spelled like "thought", Now where it says "shush" if you kept a "." period there it would fit in perfect! For where it says "Hey veronica?" I think it would be good if there was a comma after the word "Hey" and I believe "veronica" is a name so he v would be capitalized. Now for where it says "No not really" I think after the word "No" a comma would go there. Something else I saw is for where it says "you" are such a" the word "you" y would be capitalized. Another thing I see is where it says "No i'm" I think if the I was capitalized it'd make more sense so like "I'm" and for the word "No" a comma would fit in there too. I think for where it says "Truth" if you added like "The truth" it'd made more sense. Finally the last thing I saw is where it says "movie then fell asleep" I think if you added and like "movie and then fell asleep" it'd be amazing! So the way I'd write it is ... It was late at night. I was probably eleven-thirty-seven when I was woken up by a loud, "CRASH!" in the kitchen. I stood up and headed to the kitchen. My heart was pounding. My entire body was shaking. When I finally reached the kitchen, my heart returned to its normal speed. It was just me and my roommate, Justin. "You scared me half to death!" "Oh well, I was hungry." he said, like the smart-alek he was. "I thought someone had broken in!" "You really are over-dramatic Veronica." "Oh, shush." "Hey, Veronica?" "yeah?" "Want to go watch a scary movie, IT perhaps?" "No, not really, it'll scare me too much!" "You are such a scardey-cat!" "No, I'm not!" "Yes, you are!" "fine, we can watch IT." I said then shivered. "Alright!" I could swear he liked me. We always end up watching a movie. The truth is, I like him too. He is as cute as a button and really nice too. We watched our movie and then fell asleep together.

mtzmario8612 · Answer

@alhamdulilliah wrote:

@mtzmario8612 wrote:

It was late at night. probably eleven-thirty-seven, when i was woken up by a loud, CRASH!, in the kitchen. I stood up and headed to the kitchen. My heart was pounding. My entire body was shaking. When i finally reached the kitchen my heart returned to it's normal speed. It was just mu roommate Justin. "You scared me half to death!" "Oh well, I was hungry." he said like the smart-alek he was. "I thouht someone had broken in!" "You really are over-dramatic Veronica." "Oh, shush" "Hey veronica?" "yeah?" "Want to go watch a scary movie, IT perhaps?" "No not really, it'll scare me too much!" "you are such a scardey-cat!" "No i'm not!" "Yes, you are!" "fine, we can watch IT." I said then shivered. "Alright!" I could swear he liked me. We always end up watching a movie. Truth is, i like him too. He is as cute as a button, really nice too. We watched our movie then fell asleep together.

For this one I saw 21 errors. For where it says "probably" I think it would be better to write "I was probably" and for where it says "eleven-thirty-seven," I don't think a comma would belong there. Something else I noticed is a few "i" are not capitalized. For where it says "loud, CRASH" I think if you kept "" around the word "CRASH" it'd be better also the comma beside it, it'd be good if you'd remove that as well. For where it says "kitchen" I believe if you add a comma there it'd be perfect. Another thing is for where it says "it's" I think if you wrote its it would be better. If you look at where it says "mu roommate" "mu" is spelled wrong which I believe you wanted to spell "my" and for the word "roommate" it'd be wonderful to add a comma there. Okay now if we look at "he said" it'd be amazing to be a comma after "said" because they would pause then go on and read about what "he said". For where you wrote "thouht" that word is spelled incorrectly it'd actually be spelled like "thought", Now where it says "shush" if you kept a "." period there it would fit in perfect! For where it says "Hey veronica?" I think it would be good if there was a comma after the word "Hey" and I believe "veronica" is a name so he v would be capitalized. Now for where it says "No not really" I think after the word "No" a comma would go there. Something else I saw is for where it says "you" are such a" the word "you" y would be capitalized. Another thing I see is where it says "No i'm" I think if the I was capitalized it'd make more sense so like "I'm" and for the word "No" a comma would fit in there too. I think for where it says "Truth" if you added like "The truth" it'd made more sense. Finally the last thing I saw is where it says "movie then fell asleep" I think if you added and like "movie and then fell asleep" it'd be amazing! So the way I'd write it is ... It was late at night. I was probably eleven-thirty-seven when I was woken up by a loud, "CRASH!" in the kitchen. I stood up and headed to the kitchen. My heart was pounding. My entire body was shaking. When I finally reached the kitchen, my heart returned to its normal speed. It was just me and my roommate, Justin. "You scared me half to death!" "Oh well, I was hungry." he said, like the smart-alek he was. "I thought someone had broken in!" "You really are over-dramatic Veronica." "Oh, shush." "Hey, Veronica?" "yeah?" "Want to go watch a scary movie, IT perhaps?" "No, not really, it'll scare me too much!" "You are such a scardey-cat!" "No, I'm not!" "Yes, you are!" "fine, we can watch IT." I said then shivered. "Alright!" I could swear he liked me. We always end up watching a movie. The truth is, I like him too. He is as cute as a button and really nice too. We watched our movie and then fell asleep together.

Your version has some mistakes too! Plus some of those mistakes were typos. The part that says "I was probably eleven-thirty-seven" makes mo sense and i meant to put a comma there.

Arieonna · Answer

i don't think you need to make changes to it

Alhamdulilliah · Answer

@mtzmario8612 wrote:

@alhamdulilliah wrote:

@mtzmario8612 wrote:

It was late at night. probably eleven-thirty-seven, when i was woken up by a loud, CRASH!, in the kitchen. I stood up and headed to the kitchen. My heart was pounding. My entire body was shaking. When i finally reached the kitchen my heart returned to it's normal speed. It was just mu roommate Justin. "You scared me half to death!" "Oh well, I was hungry." he said like the smart-alek he was. "I thouht someone had broken in!" "You really are over-dramatic Veronica." "Oh, shush" "Hey veronica?" "yeah?" "Want to go watch a scary movie, IT perhaps?" "No not really, it'll scare me too much!" "you are such a scardey-cat!" "No i'm not!" "Yes, you are!" "fine, we can watch IT." I said then shivered. "Alright!" I could swear he liked me. We always end up watching a movie. Truth is, i like him too. He is as cute as a button, really nice too. We watched our movie then fell asleep together.

For this one I saw 21 errors. For where it says "probably" I think it would be better to write "I was probably" and for where it says "eleven-thirty-seven," I don't think a comma would belong there. Something else I noticed is a few "i" are not capitalized. For where it says "loud, CRASH" I think if you kept "" around the word "CRASH" it'd be better also the comma beside it, it'd be good if you'd remove that as well. For where it says "kitchen" I believe if you add a comma there it'd be perfect. Another thing is for where it says "it's" I think if you wrote its it would be better. If you look at where it says "mu roommate" "mu" is spelled wrong which I believe you wanted to spell "my" and for the word "roommate" it'd be wonderful to add a comma there. Okay now if we look at "he said" it'd be amazing to be a comma after "said" because they would pause then go on and read about what "he said". For where you wrote "thouht" that word is spelled incorrectly it'd actually be spelled like "thought", Now where it says "shush" if you kept a "." period there it would fit in perfect! For where it says "Hey veronica?" I think it would be good if there was a comma after the word "Hey" and I believe "veronica" is a name so he v would be capitalized. Now for where it says "No not really" I think after the word "No" a comma would go there. Something else I saw is for where it says "you" are such a" the word "you" y would be capitalized. Another thing I see is where it says "No i'm" I think if the I was capitalized it'd make more sense so like "I'm" and for the word "No" a comma would fit in there too. I think for where it says "Truth" if you added like "The truth" it'd made more sense. Finally the last thing I saw is where it says "movie then fell asleep" I think if you added and like "movie and then fell asleep" it'd be amazing! So the way I'd write it is ... It was late at night. I was probably eleven-thirty-seven when I was woken up by a loud, "CRASH!" in the kitchen. I stood up and headed to the kitchen. My heart was pounding. My entire body was shaking. When I finally reached the kitchen, my heart returned to its normal speed. It was just me and my roommate, Justin. "You scared me half to death!" "Oh well, I was hungry." he said, like the smart-alek he was. "I thought someone had broken in!" "You really are over-dramatic Veronica." "Oh, shush." "Hey, Veronica?" "yeah?" "Want to go watch a scary movie, IT perhaps?" "No, not really, it'll scare me too much!" "You are such a scardey-cat!" "No, I'm not!" "Yes, you are!" "fine, we can watch IT." I said then shivered. "Alright!" I could swear he liked me. We always end up watching a movie. The truth is, I like him too. He is as cute as a button and really nice too. We watched our movie and then fell asleep together.

Your version has some mistakes too! Plus some of those mistakes were typos. The part that says "I was probably eleven-thirty-seven" makes mo sense and i meant to put a comma there.

Just trying to help xD

mtzmario8612 · Answer

Thanks guys!

Arieonna · Answer

you welcome

Arieonna · Answer

i give you a medal

mtzmario8612 · Answer

ty